What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no Time.”
One time I posted 10 jokes in a row, hoping at least one would make Dads laugh on r/dadjokes
Sadly, no pun in ten did.
My wife called me at work and said “it’s time, the baby is coming”
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
My sister becomes physically ill when I burn her toast.
It turns out she's black-toast-intilerant.
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
Becoming a sushi chef requires a lot of physics.
How else will you learn fission.
A collection of physical dadjokes
A collection of physical dad-jokes (click the link).
What do you call an Egyptian physical therapist?
In the best Dadjoke move of all time..
Stephen King actually named his son Joe.
I just had a physical.
The Doctor said "don't eat anything fatty".
I said "you mean avoid burgers and bacon, that sort of thing?"
He said "no Fatty, don't eat anything".
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Farmers are leaving Facebook in droves. Every time they put down a post
I’ve been building play structures for kids in my spare time...
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
A long time bachelor met a girl in a bar with a glass eye.
As she sat down next to him her glass eye fell to the floor next to his stoll. He picked it up and handed it back to her.
They chatted all night and hit it off pretty well and eventually started dating.
One day while lying in bed, he turns to her and asks:
"Why me? Out of all the guys that were at the bar that night, why did you choose me?"
She looked at him surprised and said:
"Well, you caught my eye."
In case I don’t have time to say this tomorrow
I was thinking of joining the space force until I heard about the ridiculous physical requirements!
Turns out I'm a little short for a stormtrooper.
There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.
And then you will all be sorry.
In time for warm weather
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A Zucchini!
How many times in a day can you look at a clock?
In surgery my doctor said, "So what do we have here?" I replied that I broke my arm in 12 places."
He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"
In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d just like to say,
“thank you for your cervix.”
A physics textbook walks into a bar...
A physics textbook book walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of whiskey. The bartender looks up and says, “Sure pal, it looks like you have a lot of problems.”
I've started a boat building business in my attic...
...sails are going through the roof.
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that you’d get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
Coffee has a rough time in our house.
It gets mugged every single morning.
Why do people from West Russia take their time in the bathroom?
Because you don't wanna be Russian while European
He gave the toy horses a home in his ___
Do you want to hear a physics joke?
Wait, I forgot watt was it.
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit--
I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit--
Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
I have a jar where I put 50 cents in for every time I have a negative thought
Doc, every time I smell Mexican food my heart races.
Doc: Sounds like tacocardia.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
I remember a time when plastic surgery was a taboo subject, but nowadays when you mention botox..
..no one even raises an eyebrow.
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?
I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".
Feel blessed to live in Hawai'i but apparently, I'm just not a funny guy. Every time I tell a joke, all I get is...
Once upon a time a broken sword told me it was the best weapon in the world...
You picked a fine time to leave me...
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
I have created living numbers! In fact, one of them is psychic and told me that certain things will continue to happen for a long time.
At least for the four-seeable future.
We got a new microwave at work. After heating my food for the first time in the new microwave I go to my colleagues and say to them "I just cut my fingers on the new microwave!"
They all startled "what happened?"
I reply "it's Sharp!"
They murmured something and left the room...
Are physical puns a thing here? I'm just gonna leave this here
Falling in love is dangerous.
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