My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle /r/Jokes/comments/g7nncw/…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikelb5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
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The firehouse pole is tilted...

I guess I'll just let it slide.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VTSvsAlucard
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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I got a new donkey today, I named him Hote

Donkey Hote

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aercturius
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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If I was the director of admissions at Hogwarts...

I would walk into every room while giving tours with my arms outstretched, head tilted slightly upwards, eyes shining, just admiring the beauty of the space and then spin around slowly and proudly state, "And this? THIS is where the magic happens!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/expertn00b
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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Tilt shift is a hard skill to master
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hookedonbrooke
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2018
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There’s a tool for every job

At work, Gary has to cut holes in sheet metal and has to use a de-burring hook to remove the sharp edges of the cutout. He always catches someone with their guard down and ask to borrow their heater. Gary works inside in a warm clean building, so it’s an odd request.

Their head tilts sideways like a confused dog, and they say puzzled β€œHeater?”.

Gary replies, β€œYeah, your de-BUrRRrRR-ing tool” as he crosses his arms and shivers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nuclear-juniper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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Joke by my wife

There we were, sitting by the hearth last night.

Man on the television set: "Vote blue, no matter who."

Mother: "Father, do you think he means our darling pooch"?

Blue: Snoring on the rug, fat and lavish

Me: "Mother, you are a sensational one. Outrageous!"

Mother: With her head tilted back, unleashes a hearty guffaw

I thought you might enjoy this roguish exchange as much as mother and I did πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trenlow12
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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My Chinese friend can't ride the Tilt-a-Whirl.

It makes him disoriented.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Newbosterone
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2017
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Everyone told Sam not to sing,

but Samsung anyway.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/askGoat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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Told myself this one today

I've been sick with a fever for the last few days.

I was trying to get a drink from a water bottle, but I tilted it up too far and spilled it all over myself. I thought, "Great. Not only am I sick, but now I have a drinking problem."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/croccrazy98
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2016
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I'm a pony

Having breakfast with the family and telling them I'm not feeling well this morning.

Me: "I've got a sore throat and my voice is kind of raspy. I think I'm a pony."

Daughter: tilts head and looks quizzically at me. "huh?"

Me: "You know, a little horse."

Wife: rolls eyes...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/taterlaser
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2014
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Got my dad whilst eating a box celebrations chocolates.

I took one of the chocolates without him noticing and placed it upon my head. I then turned to him with a very stern face and said "Dad i need to talk to you about something"

dad: "what son?"

me: "I am actually really afraid for my life"

dad: "what are you talking about?"

me: "i think someone has been payed to kill me"

dad: "what , why?"

me: "I guess you could say someone has" tilting head forward to reveal the chocolate "placed a bounty on my head"

He cried a little with laughter and said he missed having me around (he recently moved country with my mum) because mum dosn't make those kind of jokes. It was a beautiful father son bonding moment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeanCGuest
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2015
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Barber got me yesterday

Getting my beard trimmed, and she asked me to "tilt my head back just a hair"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jconnolly5
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2015
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Drinking wine with my parents when my dad duped me

My dad asked my mother to pour him another glass. She poured the wine the same way you would pour water into a bottle, but it is common knowledge that you must tilt the wine glass for a proper pour.

Me: "Aren't you supposed to pour it on an angle?"

Dad: "Why yes, how else would the wine come out?"

I nodded and silently wished I could be half the man he is one day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mitharris
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2014
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I just made a dad joke to a hospital patient.

So I work in a hospital, doing tilt table tests (for people that faint). The test sucks for the patients, because it's uncomfortable and makes people feel anxious.

Anyway, my patient earlier was an awesome young lady, who happens to have cerebral palsy, so her legs are different lengths, and her arms draw up and are very rigid. She had the best attitude, and was very charming.

So, while she's standing upright, strapped to the table, she was getting pretty anxious, and uncomfortable, since she keeps sliding to one side since one leg leg is longer than the other...

I thought I'd lighten the mood, so I said: "Well, I guess your mom should have named you Ilene huh"?

The nurse looked at me like I was a COMPLETE asshole... But the patient, she laughed her ass off! It was great. After that point she was a lot less tense, and we were able to finish up.

And no, I wasn't being mean when I said it, because I knew she could take the joke. :D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Totally_Bradical
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2015
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More of a prank than a joke

I was sitting in a local Mexican food place with my wife having a late lunch and spot my 19yo daughter in the parking lot driving in her car with my 16yo daughter in the passenger seat. They were just returning from Vidcon.

They drove in front of the restaurant not noticing my wife's parked truck. I bolted out of the door of the restaurant and ran full tilt 500 yards across the parking lot following them all while ducking and weaving around cars so as not to be spotted. They pulled into a gas station on the other side of the parking lot from the restaurant just as I was able to sneak between the pumps and slam myself against her windshield and fall to the ground as if I had been hit. Then I flopped around on the ground like a fish.

It scared my 19yo daughter so bad she actually pee'd a little and couldn't stop crying. My 16yo was laughing so hard she couldn't breath.

I'm a bad Dad.

TL;DR: Bad father scared teenage daughter so bad she pee'd then cried.

Edit: Words

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imdickie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2014
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