"Length times width times height. Pi times r-squared times h. Four-thirds times pi times r-cubed."

This really speaks volumes.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
What should they have named the third Matrix movie?

Revenge of the Smith

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBatJ3w
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Don’t know how to properly share with this but I have included the name of the original, most people didn’t get it(third line)
πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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My girlfriend and I only watch the first two-thirds of every Great British Baking Show episode.

The final challenge is a real showstopper.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lanman33
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Why is every country a Third world Country?

Because we’re all the third world from the sun!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stalin_Best_Waifu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a chord that has its third moved up a half-step?

A little sus

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/P8ntballz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Bilbo Baggins wakes up to hear β€œI’m a Loser Baby” for the third day in a row.

It was There and Beck again.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maxgroover
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to choose between three cats. The first was super affectionate, like a dog. The second prefers to be alone all the time. I picked the third, whose personality is somewhere in between.

I named him Meat Loaf because he would do anything for love, but he won’t do that.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My son is saying that I keep alluding to the Third Reich.

Personally, I just do Nazi it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrFillywonk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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My calculus professor was 16 minutes late for the first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, he will never be there on time.

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend recently confessed to me that he got his third nipple surgically removed.

He really needed to get that off his chest.

πŸ‘︎ 124
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A half, a third, and a sixth all walk into a bar...

The bartender sees them and immediately yells at the bouncer, β€œHey!! Stop putting wholes in my bar!!”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LegendairySauce
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I are currently due our third, and I don't remember the other pregnancies being this long.

This one seems to be lasting a maternity.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JediWithBenefits
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Shout out to the guy who just got a third strike in baseball.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AVeryCredibleHulk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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The project to restore Big Ben was a bit behind schedule, so the construction company put on a third shift...

Men are now working around the clock.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
The mods have a new way of improving the jokes we submit. They now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odour. One mod adds some floral funniness, another tweaks them with sweet smile appeal and a third makes sure they contain a few obnoxious puns.

From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
When the third zero came up, I promptly bet my money against another one appearing...

...and quickly lost everything.

It was all four naughts.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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My friend used to get so nervous that he peed his pants every time he had to stand up in his third grade class.

Finally he quit his job as a teacher.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Even though I’m my wife’s third husband

She still treats me like number two.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ventanaman
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A man was arrested at the beach for feeding pot brownies to the seagulls. It was his third such arrest because, as he put it,...

β€œI shall leave no tern unstoned.”

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zeroing-in
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Currently in the hospital after the birth of our third child. Wife talking to lactation consultant about supply vs demand.

I chime in, "Sounds like MILKroeconomics 101."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshSamBob
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
finding knee-mole, third part in the trilogy
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billyonthereddit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
🚨︎ report
There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I just discovered what first, second, third and home plates were in baseball...

That's the bases of the sport.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A king sat on his throne in his beautiful kingdom. Before him were three glasses set on a table. The first two are filled with water, but the third one is empty. What is the name of the king?

Phillip the 3rd

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/some-tortel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the third derivative of a cow?

Jerky

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πŸ‘€︎ u/censored_count
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/420_esketit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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I used to own 3 ski lodges, one in the Alps, one in Aspen and one in France. When I got divorced the first 2 times, my exes each got a lodge as part of the settlement. The third marriage, I decided I needed a prenuptial agreement to cover my assets. It was all I could do!

It's my last resort!

Edit: changed "it was" to "it's"

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
The funniest things are always said in the third person.

, dad jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DestroyermattUK
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Decided against removing the third wheel on my son's trike

Would have been two tiring...

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pogchamphyena
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
There’s third wheeling, then there’s...
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/el_machisimo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
🚨︎ report
As my dad was walking me down the aisle of my third wedding he goes...

You know Erin, I keep giving you away but they keep giving you back

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chygurl
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the ninth branch of the tree say to the third branch ?

You are my root

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fakipo2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
They've announced the plot for the third spiderman movie!

Spiderman is sent to Australia to combat a new deadly villian and is being called "Spiderman Home and Away"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/John-Waters
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Technically we're all third wheeling our footwear

You could say they're your sole mates

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/one_panj_man
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Funny quotes from Blackadder the Third

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Morning, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.

[Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries]

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): I’m glad to say you won’t be needing that pill, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words β€œI have a cunning plan” marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): They certainly are.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Well, forgive me if I don’t do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): We do nothing …

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Yup, it’s another world-beater.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): No, wait. We do nothing … until our heads have actually been cut off.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): And then we … spring into action?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): [to Baldrick] Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Sounds like a bag of grapefruits to me, Mr B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): The phrase, Baldrick, is β€œa case of sour grapes” – and yes it bloody well is.

Mrs. Miggins: The Scarlet Pimpernel, Mr. Blackadder! He’s so exciting, don’t you think?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Actually, I think he’s the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Competition.

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/funny-quotes-from-blackadder-the-third/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
🚨︎ report
When you only do a third of your "8 minute abs" exercise...
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoahTheProtozoa
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
🚨︎ report
My son crashed his car for the third time this week.

I said "Give it a break, will you?".

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lurker_wolfie
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I can't stand the third letter of the alphabet.

I'm so c sick.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudecancode
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call the third letter of the alphabet when it's invisible?

Transparency.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZorroMeansFox
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know during the third Reich there was a project to produce energy from a certain type of grain

I'm surprised you never heard of Hitler's rice to power

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PinappleGecko
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Why doesn't a coffee maker need that third prong on its electrical plug?

The beans are ground.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Two guys walked into a bar... the third one ducked
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/big-milf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
🚨︎ report
My friend just told me that he has a third nipple, and he has decided to get surgery to remove it.

He really needed to get it off his chest.

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late to his first class, 8 minutes late to his second, and 4 minutes late to the third.

At this rate, he will never be in class on time.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
My math professor was late 16 minutes for the first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.

πŸ‘︎ 221
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report

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