The government just banned the fifth month of the calendar year.

Everyone was dismayed.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xnphls
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the fraction one fifth go to the chiropractor?

Because he was two tenths.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nkortega21
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Gordan Ramsey just had his fifth kid

I guess we found something he likes raw

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
🚨︎ report
One fifth of people are just too tense
πŸ‘︎ 281
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gsarge28
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2016
🚨︎ report
β€œHey Yoda, what should we name the fifth month?”

β€œMay I suggest..”

β€œDone”.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A chef found that the second, third, fifth, seventh, 11th, etc. batches of broth he made would turn into simple organic molecules

Turns out it was prime ordinal soup!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Orlen86
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the the fifth captain drop out of the sailing race?

He had a sense of four boating.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Crotchfirefly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2011
🚨︎ report
Jesus told Peter, "Come forth and ye shall have eternal life"

But Peter came fifth and won a toaster

πŸ‘︎ 96
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ImmaMess13
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
And god said to John β€œcome forth and ye shall receive eternal life.”

But John came in fifth and only got a toaster.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Arthur24
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.

But the fifth oneβ€” dead Sirius.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Help in the Comments
πŸ‘︎ 158
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShadyNite
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the fraction that was arrested for drinking whiskey in public?

He pled the fifth.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Last night at dinner, we were eating sushi, so I asked my wife, "What do you call refusing to incriminate your salmon?"

She swung and missed (getting to "Pleading the fifth" before eventually ending up at "Salmon the fifth?").

Then my 5-year-old daughter asked, "What was the first word you said?" and when told it was "Pleading," she said, "It would be 'Pleading the FISH'!"

I've never been so proud of her.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshSamBob
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Say it out loud if you don't get it
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nlevercickname
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Hmmm...
πŸ‘︎ 390
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ReadReadReedRed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2017
🚨︎ report
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.

He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

πŸ‘︎ 372
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Banks need to get better at restocking these ATMs

This is now the fifth one that has insufficient funds.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
At the local cafe, the waitress always calls me "hun"...

I don't know whether it's because she likes me or because I dress like a fifth century nomad...

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
A List of Puns (and other excuses for good humor)

Me: You got the goods?

Dealer: I have an alloy of iron and carbon for only $1.

Me: My, what a steel!

Guy: Hey, wanna hear my joke?

Boxer: I dunno, man. People always say I ruin their punchline.

Teacher: What are the four components of DNA?

Student: Actually, there are five: Adenine, cytosine, guanine, thymine--

Teacher: Oh? And the fifth one?

Student: I got I got I got I got...

Me (metric): Why does America use the imperial system? It's stupid.

Friend (imperial): Actually, other places use the imperial system.

Me: Which other places?

Friend: The Galactic Empire.

Guy: I hate spam.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

Me: I like sushi.

...

Someone: Son of a gun...

Someone Else: Now you've just pistoled me off!

Okay, I know these are not the greatest puns ever, but this is my first post in this subreddit. Anyway, now here are the explanations:

Joke 1 - An alloy of carbon and iron is popularly referred to as steel, and stainless steel costs $2.41, in which the item receives a 58.51% reduction in cost, which is a mighty bargain, also known as a steal.

Joke 2 - Boxing is a sport in which your only goal is to knock your opponent out through a series of punches. The ending or twist of a joke is commonly referred to as the punchline of said joke.

Joke 3 - Check out Kendrick Lamar's DNA song.

Joke 4 - Troops and personnel of the Galactic Empire from Star Wars are commonly referred to as the Imperials.

Joke 5 - Spam musubi, or just spam, is a type of sushi. On the internet, spam is referred to as the repetition of a specific message, especially when emailing, to annoy or advertise a product/website to someone.

Joke 6 - The phrase, "Son of a gun", is a friendlier alternative to the phrase, "Son of a bitch!" Also, when you annoy someone, that means that you pissed them off, which sounds a bit like "pistoled".

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/U2BURR
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
🚨︎ report
[Request] Tubas and Classic Rock

Every year for the past few years, I’ve written music for a tuba ensemble for a summer band camp. Last year’s music was titled β€œTubaChristmas in July,” which had β€œHallelujah” by Pentatonix, β€œCarol of the Bells,” β€œYou’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch,” and β€œHave Yourself a Merry TubaChristmas.” This year I’m about 90% sure we’re doing rock/classic rock. So far I have β€œBohemian Rhapsody” by Queen, β€œPaint It, Black” by The Rolling Stones, β€œLivin’ on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi, β€œDon’t Stop Believin’” by Journey, and some fifth song I haven’t chosen yet (BTW I’m open to song ideas).

I need a pun that mixes Tuba with Rock or with Classic Rock. Similar to how TubaChristmas in July doesn’t include song names, but you know it’s Christmas music on tubas.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Leo_1110
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better

if every fifth caller was a winner

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Paladium9999
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Brainstorming food/movie theme nights. It es-kale-lated quickly. Only thing in my Bumble profile now.

When Harry Met Salad

What About Ke-Bob

Cumin to America

Weekend at Bearneaise II

Steakin I, II, & III

A Few Good Salmon

You’ve Got Kale

Shawshank Re-Dim Sum

Romancing the Scone

An Γ‰clair to Remember

Roman Hollandaise

Glazed and Confused

Bill & Ted’s Eggcellent Adventure

The Evil Bread

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Shrimp

Fondue the Right Thing

Ribeyes Wide Shut

Mignons

Plante of the Grapes

Spider Manchu

Sushis All That

A Wok to Remember

Marsala-la Land

Apocalypse Cow

Die Chard

Die Chard with a Vinaigrette

Hogan’s Gyros

The Sand Latkes

A League of their Macaroni

Revenge of the Curds

Rush S’More

Braising Arizona

Demolition Ham

10 Things I hate About Ewe

Saladin

Oliver and Com-penne

Dirty Rotten Chanterelles

Sex and the Satay

The Truth About Cats & Hotdogs

Morella Enchanted

Provolone Together

Clear and Pheasant Danger

The Big Chili

LΓ©mon: The Professional

Ava-Tartare

Hocous Pocous

High Fi-Deli Meat

Madagascargot

The Fifth Elementos

Muensters Inc.

There’s Something About Rosemary

I Am Ham

Quiche Lorraine Man

Barley & Me

Lentil Giants

Peggy SoufflΓ© Got Married

Face Stroganoff

Con GruyΓ©re

Fast Times at Porridgemont High

Bok Choys in the Hood

Papillonion

Requinoa for a Dream

Serial Cardamom

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kat_fogg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Jesus said unto John. Come forth and receive eternal life.

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JSmithy46
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.

The fifth one was dead sirius.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
And god said to John, come forth and receive eternal life

But he cane fifth and won a toaster

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dildo_Swaginns
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
And the Lord said unto John "come fourth and receive eternal life"

But he came fifth and won a toaster.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IwantaWeasel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
...and God said "come forth and I will grant you eternal life."

But I came fifth and just got a toaster.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.

He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

πŸ‘︎ 255
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
And the Lord said unto John: Come forth and you will receive eternal life.

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
And Jesus said "Come forth and receive eternal life."

But Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.

πŸ‘︎ 89
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kennedystyle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I found the first four books in the Harry Potter series to be quite light hearted.

The fifth was dead Sirius.

πŸ‘︎ 217
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
🚨︎ report
God said to John " come forth and receive eternal life"

But he came fifth and won a toaster

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pg13saisgoodbye
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Jesus said "come forth and receive eternal life"

But Paul came fifth and got a toaster

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MarkTheBag112
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
🚨︎ report
The Lord told John to come forth and he will receive eternal life

He came fifth and got a toaster

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sarinreach-L
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
The lord told John to come forth and he shall have eternal life.

But he came in fifth and got a toaster.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Noobmaster69696
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report
And god said to John come forth and receive eternal life

But he came fifth and won a toaster

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/camilodmoreno
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life".

John came fifth and won a toaster.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrKrabs7382
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
And the Lord said onto John " Come Forth and ye shall receive eternal life."

But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stewie19
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Then God said to John "Come forth and receive eternal life"

He came fifth and won a toaster.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ryuushinng
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
God said to John, "come fourth and you will receive eternal life",

John came fifth and won a toaster.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LeJash
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
🚨︎ report
God said: come fourth John and win eternal life

John came fifth and won a toaster!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommyBoi69696969
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
🚨︎ report
God told John come fourth and receive eternal life...

But John came fifth and got a toaster

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ARandomGuy678
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2018
🚨︎ report
God said to Tom "Come fourth and receive eternal life."

Instead Tom came fifth and received a toaster

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/twizzlerwhipped
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Jesus said to John,

"Come forth and receive eternal life", but John came fifth, so all he got was a toaster.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Richboy12345
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2018
🚨︎ report

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