I remember standing in solitude, at the end of the long landing overlooking the Pacific Ocean - this disembodied voice was urging me to jump, so I did...

I never could stand up to pier pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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A psychotic criminal stole a train. He said the reason was the voices in the head told him to.

It was a locomotive.

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ensiform
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
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Got offered a voice-acting role in the new Emoji movie sequel. They want me to play the Poop Emoji. People say I should accept the role and be grateful, but I’m holding out for a classier part...

...I will not be deterred!!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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My wife tells me not to listen to the voices that bring me down and make me feel worthless.

She also complains that I never listen to her.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoodHippo9
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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What's the drug that changes your voice?

Voice crack.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tommy-2005
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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"Okay rookie, the first thing you've got to learn about making pornography for the blind is: Voice Projection."

"That sounds hard."

"Thank you. I'm a professional."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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I just changed the audio of my GPS to a man's voice...

Now it just says, "It's around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while. "

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
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Which brand of computer has the best singing voice?

A Dell

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dougtheinfonut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Pirates of yore would get a treasure chest off a looted vessel and often hear voices coming from the chest saying "yoo hoo!"

It was the booty calls.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
🚨︎ report
If a judge loves the sound of his own voice,

expect a long sentence.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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The moment I realise I lost my voice __________

I was speechless.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cyb3rbot2003
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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In the Disney animated picture, Ratatouille, Remy controls Linguini actions by pulling his hair, giving him a perfect palette. The little chef’s squeak is the only other voice Linguini ever really hears at home.

I guess you could say Remy is Linguini’s voice of season

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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A man sits down at a bar. After a moment, he hears a voice behind him say "Hey, that shirt looks great on you!" He turns around, and nobody is there. Confused, he asks the bartender, "Where did that voice come from?" The bartender says...

"Oh, it's the peanuts.

They're complimentary."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elawn
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I remember when I made a joke about a kid dying. My dad sat me down on the couch and told me in a serious voice "jokes about kids dying young...

never get old."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the snail say to his voice activated vehicle when it asked him if he was ready to go for a drive

Yes car go

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/absurd-bird-turd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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β€ͺCAN you raise your voice unto the malt, sing songs and Heineken of glory‬
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_improviser
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
If you have a satnav that you can change the voice on, please do not use Bono from U2!

I did this last week and now the streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/victor_devito
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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I was surprised when I lost my voice for the first time

I was speechless

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
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Priam, the mythological ruler of Troy, was infamous for yelling at his subjects until he lost his voice

Perhaps that's why they called him the hoarse Trojan.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChargingTiger
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I was walking by the dump and heard voices yelling at each other,

Trash talk

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VaiterZen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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Why was the foals voice so scratchy...

It was a little horse

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BLOCKHEAD13REAL
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
If you’re trying to get your point across about something, try adjusting the decibel level of your voice up and down while talking.

It will speak volumes to people.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend called me last night. She wanted to talk, but I couldn't hear her voice because of the static noise

She was breaking up.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebubno
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
🚨︎ report
If I ever lose my voice I want to have the Stephen Hawking voice modulator.

I’ve always wanted to speak intelligently.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
The bro with the tribal tattoos that is blasting Nickleback and is vaping all the time, has an annoying voice.

But it's mostly his axe-scent.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MexElf
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I love my career at the voice recording studio.

I don't know what it is, but the job just really speaks to me

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majike03
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A voice at the back of my head keeps telling me...

That the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
So I found this talking train and asked it why it just went back and forth on the same tracks for its whole life. It responded saying β€œthe voices in my head tell me to”.

It was a loco motive

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheGunslinger215
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
🚨︎ report
I told my wife that I thought that the Grinch's voice was a little strange...

But the wife said "Who?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TurtleLoMein
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
🚨︎ report
The doctor told me that my voice box is damaged and I might not speak again for a while.

I can’t tell you how much this upsets me.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2018
🚨︎ report
My old English teacher used to flunk us just for not using the active voice

He was very passive aggressive

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the foal say when he lost his voice?

I'm sorry, I'm a little horse.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AverNL
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2016
🚨︎ report
TIL in the late 2000s RIM was developing a voice interface to compete with Apple’s soon-to-be revealed Siri.

Hal-E-Berry.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
🚨︎ report
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

πŸ‘︎ 81
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Which computer has the best voice?

A Dell.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bwdan82
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A voice at the back of my head keeps telling me...

..that the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again...

I can’t tell you how upset I am...

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2017
🚨︎ report

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