There’s two astronauts on a shuttle. It’s going smoothly when one astronaut noticed something wrong with the engine. He turns to the other and says “Hey, something seems to be wrong with the engine. You think this could be fatal?” The other astronaut replies:
“As tro hope naut.”
It was easier said then done.
"Who's there?"
"Europe"
"Europe who?"
"NO you're a poo!"
Her: Can you believe he's going to be 60? How did I marry such an old man?
Me: Well, I mean, aren't you gonna...
Her: What, are you going to say in 2 years I'll be 60 too?
Dad: Well no dear that's not right. In 2 years you'll be 60, in 4 years you'll be 62.
Everyone groans, I chuckle as I reach for my phone. So proud of the old-timer.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
Dad: Hey, what does M•O (pause) P•H•E (pause) A•D spell?
13 years old Bokanovsky: "mowfeeadd?"
Dad: shit eating grin Mophead!
Bokanovsky: hangs head in shame
A pizza shit
My favourite 'dad joke' is purposefully misunderstanding the kids and watching their disbelief as they try and reword things so even an idiot can understand. We have a family app so they need permission to download some apps onto their devices (because we are "controlling" 🙂).
So every now and then this will happen:
Child : Can I get an app?
Me : sure, if you're tired just go and lie down.
Child: no, an APP
Me: yes, lie DOWN
Child: No, I need an... I want a...I just want...an app.
Me: or an early night?
Child: weary sigh
Me: you do look tired
- thinking I'm the best joker in history*
That was a short version. If it didn't make sense, read it aloud.
The kids will put me in a home at the first opportunity.
Because stealing is not aloud
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
Because it's not aloud.
I tried to explain to them that I was just reading a book but the librarian said there's no reading aloud.
The bartender shook his head, “Here comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, “What’s wrong?” The bartender replied, “Those guys get together and they become cantankeros.”
it wasn't aloud
A doctor is driving home one night along a lonely road when a rabbit suddenly bolted in front of his car. The doctor swerved and tried his best to stop, but it wasn't possible and the car hit the bunny.
He immediately pulled the car to the side of the road and got out to see if he could help the poor bunny. It didn't look good. He raced back to the car to retrieve his bag, but realized almost instantly that he was driving his wife's car and so his bag wouldn't be there.
He frantically rooted through the glovebox, trying to find gauze or water - anything that could be useful. He found a bottle of what he expected was water and brought it back to where the bunny was laying. With great care, he poured a cap full and let the bunny drink.
To the doctor's amazement, the rabbit sprang back to life - jumping up on his hind legs and wiggling his tail. He smiled at the doctor and waved as he began to prance back toward the woods. He hopped a couple of feet, paused, turned and waved again. Hopped another few feet, turned and waved yet again. He reached the edge of the trees and again, he turned and waved at the doctor.
Stunned, the doctor brought the bottle up to the light to see what magic potion he had discovered. Squinting his eyes, he read the label aloud, "Hair restorer with permanent wave".
Currently staying at a hotel with my dad. Next to the parking lot there’s a sign that says “pet grounds”, pointing to where you can walk your dog.
My dad reads it aloud, “pet grounds”, so I say “alright then”.
I crouched down, pet the grass a little bit and said, “good grounds”.
Got a good laugh out of it.
I was at a restaurant with a friend and my girlfriend yesterday for an early dinner and we started discussing the difficulties of being a teacher. My friend then said "i just don't have the patience to be a teacher." I hesitated for a second, out of cowardice, but then replied with "teachers have students, not patients." There were lots of cringes. My girlfriend actually laughed and then said aloud that she hated herself for doing so. I think she's a keeper. :)
Two high school students named Steve and Josh found themselves broke on a saturday afternoon while strolling around in the city mall. They hadn't eaten lunch and they were getting hungry, but alas, they had no money for food and they were hours away from home.
"I heard there's a place downtown where you can get a sandwich for free" Steve said to Josh.
"That sounds great, let's check it out" Josh replied, and they headed downtown.
They soon found the place. It was a small shop, too small to feel like a real business. The place had no tables or chairs, and not really much furniture at all. An old man stood behind a small counter and eyed them as they entered.
"Welcome to the Laughing Hoagie" he said.
"What is a laughing hoagie?" Josh wondered.
"It's the name of this sandwich place. This is not a regular sandwich shop. We have a special offer here for people who can't afford to pay for their food." the man said as he smiled a toothy smile at them.
"So it's true then," Josh blurted out, "we can get free food here?"
"Not so fast." The old man said. "There is a condition."
"What is it?" Steve wondered aloud.
"Well," the man started "you have to listen to one of my jokes, and the one of you who laughs the most genuine laugh gets a free sandwhich. The other one gets nothing."
As he said this, the old man opened a small refrigerator that stood behind the counter and produced a large, footlong sandwhich with ham, cheese, bacon, lettuce and tomatoes. It was covered in a white dressing and gave off a faint peppery aroma. The boys' mouths started watering at the sight of it.
"What? So only one of us gets a sandwhich?" Steve asked, taken aback.
"Those are the rules," the old man grinned, "if you don't like it, you may leave."
"Nah, we'll hear the joke." Josh said. Steve looked at him, and then nodded to the old man.
"All right." the old man rubbed his hands together as if preparing to dig into a strenuous task.
"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?" he asked, and looked expectantly at the teens. They both stared at him with blank expressions.
"Bye Son!" he exclaimed, and struggled not to burst out giggling at his own quip. Josh chuckled a bit, but Steve just frowned.
"That was the worst joke I ever heard!" he exclaimed.
"Well," the old man said as he handed the sandwich over to Josh, "if you don't like jokes with really bad punchlines, then this sub is not for you."
Because of all the sand which is there. (Read aloud)
My three + 1/2 year old came home from childcare with this gem.
Knock knock - who's there - I smell mop - I smell mop who (say it aloud)...
A man is writing a book, and wants his friend's opinion on it.
The man begins to read aloud "it was the time of the year when storms can take hold of a house within seconds. A small family is preparing their house, when a wail is heard in the distance.
'Father,' began the child 'will we survive the storms?'
'Only time will tell' said the worried father.
Suddenly, a massive wind picks up and nearly blows the house down. The family barely survives".
The man asks "what do you think so far?"
The friend replies "i think you went into the action too quickly. I hardly have a vested interest. I think it needs work"
The man simply says "but it's only the first draft."
My dad looks at a sign hanging on the wall and reads aloud "Fresh fish and chips, caught locally."
Turns to me and says, 'I wonder how they catch the chips.'
A few minutes ago, I was pretty thirsty, so I said aloud to myself, "I feel like a glass of milk," and went to get some from the fridge.
My dad of course heard me say this, and he came up to me as I was pouring myself a glass. He just patted my arm a few times and said "No".
I groaned because I knew exactly what he was thinking as soon as I was his eyes light up with that "this is gonna be hilarious" look.
. . . my dad exclaims, "For later? But I don't even know her!" (say it aloud)
We're riding our bikes to a local nature center. As we were getting close to a bridge, aloud, he reads the sign:
"Draw Bridge Ahead"
He turns to me and says "got pen and paper?"
Really?!
I came out under par, wondered aloud what my handicap is.
Pops: "Usually it's your sense of humor!"
..."I could really go for an aural massage right now" I said.
I didn't realize I'd spoken aloud until I felt everyone silently staring at me.
Dad: "I went to this zoo the other day. It only had one animal, a dog. It was a shih tzu."
This one is performed best when spoken aloud.
I was driving with my girlfriend and saw a Pepsi delivery van get pulled over by two cops. My girlfriend wondered aloud why two cops were needed for a Pepsi van.
My response: "He's probably smuggling some Coke..."
My parents visited me last weekend. Short on ideas, we decided to hit up a widely-respected art museum. They had some new exhibitions, some of which were a little outside our personal tastes and expectations.
We walked into a photography exhibit and saw, along one wall, a sheet of green. This sheet of green was a little higher and taller than the average door, and stretched all the way down that bit of wall plus a few feet onto the floor.
"Oh," I said, "a green screen. That's kind of a neat little thing to have here. Sort of an homage to that style of film, I guess?"
Little did I know. In hindsight, I don't know why I expected anything different.
My father and I approached the plaque beside it. There we learned the truth: This was not a green screen. No. No, this was a specially printed photograph.
A photograph... of a green screen.
There we stood, astonished at the audacity of the thing before us. "My God," I said aloud, "This, right here, this is something else. This is just plain genius. Can you imagine getting money for something like this? Why didn't we come up with this? This is gold!"
To which my dad simply responded, "No, son...
... it's green."
I work at a zoo on weekends. We were feeding the King Vultures their meat diets today.
The female almost always gets her meat stolen by the male, so we have to keep the male away while she eats the meat off the exhibit floor.
The other keeper wondered aloud why the male would want her food when he has the same thing waiting on his perch. I said "He must prefer ground beef."
Thank you.
So, I was sitting in the family room with my girlfriend's family. She just got a new kitten today, so we're all pretty excited.
She just experienced a little running around spell before settling underneath a table.
When I asked what she was doing, my girlfriend chimed in with: "I think she had the runs!"
She immediately followed this up with asking everyone if we'd heard her joke and laughing aloud about it.
I'm pretty proud, despite the groans.
Today I was at a friends place. Somehow my friend slipped and fell in the kitchen and hit his head on the table. He obviously started cursing and yelling aloud, blood was flowing as well. Then his dad comes storming into the kitchen having been alarmed by the commotion, seeing spots of blood on the table, he then yells. "DON'T BREAK THE BLOODY TABLE!"
I was listening to NPR, and the host was interviewing some astro science major, talking about Steven Hawking's black hole theory.
Then the host asks "what are gravity waves?" During the guests NPR require pause, I said aloud to myself "...this is some heavy shit."
She got a twig stuck to her foot and she wondered aloud how it got there.
I told her it was a little sticky.
My roommate was comparing two SD memory cards last night. He uses them for GoPro cameras for racing. He observed aloud that there was a 50MB difference in their read speeds. I chimed in, "But you're not interested in read speed, write?" You know it's bad when you have to explain the joke..
A Mexican magician announces his next magic trick. He covers himself with a large cloak and counts aloud "Uno.... Dos...." then he disappeared without a tres.
We're catching up on Agents of SHIELD tonight, and I commented that Agent Gonzales always seems to be conspicuously drinking a glass of water. My husband agreed that he does seem suspicious, and wondered aloud if he was actually a traitor.
I responded, "He may just be trying to stay Hydra-ated," and proceeded to fall over laughing on the couch while the husband slowly shook his head and sighed. Somewhere, my dad is glowing with pride.
