I just made my secretary audibly groan.

She came into my office with a box of highlighters for me and as a dad, I felt compelled to say "thanks, this will be the highlight of my day"

She sighed, groaned, and left, questioning her life choice to work here. :(

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToonaTheCat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad sent this to me this morning. i was caught groaning quite audibly at work.

http://imgur.com/fm36oJ1

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xmeggiex
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2016
🚨︎ report
I was audibly boo'd me after this one

Last night I was at a bar with a couple buddies and a girl I've been seeing (we'll call her Melissa). We're playing 2v2 pool and I'm on Melissa's team when my other buddy shoots and misses. Being fairly new to pool, Melissa perks up and says "Is it my turn?"

To which I said "That would be your cue" as I handed her her pool stick.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaconStorf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2015
🚨︎ report
38

I was just watching a movie ( yes im that kind of person ) and my dad just walks up to me laughing. I was like "Dad are you good?", and my dad said "What do 30 do if he is hungry?". I was like "What?", and he said "38" and he started laughing his butt off. Again, i was watching a movie so i was brain dead. And a few minutes passed, and i got the joke. And i audibly said, "God dammit dad..." I love my dad...

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlumQwarty
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
How did Vikings send secret messages?

Norse code.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
When I saw the price of the audiobook I let out an Audible gasp
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/riz_lemon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
🚨︎ report
As we were at the top of the Eiffel Tower watching a beautiful sunset, I got down on one knee and said, β€œHoney?”

She gasped audibly and said, β€œYeah?”

I said, β€œHelp! My knee is made of magnets!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to go download the Communist Manifesto on Audible

...but the reviews said it's only good on paper

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slognabologna
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2017
🚨︎ report
The sponsor was Audible.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarLun00
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I have started freezing different objects at -273.15Β°c and blowing them up. Seeing with items reacted differently.

I call it the 0k boomer experiment.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Amazon should rename the Kindle the In-Audible.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/resmungomandinga
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I received an award simply for not having an audible device on my bicycle.

It was a No Bell Prize.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MelkorHimself
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
πŸ‘︎ 563
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.

Every time I walk by she says, β€œWhat an Ass.”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weiderman316
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Time flies like an arrow,

and fruit flies like a banana.

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/client_blue
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My Son: Want to hear a fun fact?

Me: Sure, tell me one son. My Son: Did you know that Lincoln had a guard with him at the theater where he was shot, but that the guard left to go across the street to have a drink and that's why Lincoln wasn't guarded when he was shot? Me: No, son, I had no idea. My Son: But that's not all. It was the same bar that John Wilkes Booth was waiting in before going to kill the president. Me: So did they see each other? My Son: I'm not sure dad. I'm thinking Booth might have been waiting to see if he would come in before he went over to shoot Lincoln. Me: I wonder if the guard came in, and Booth ask him if he could buy him a shot?!?!? My Son: audibly smacks head

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackrabbits1im
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
No coronavirus for the Astros yet

They saw the signs before anyone else

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bkeets3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What would you call a sword made of ice?

Excali-buuurrrrr

πŸ‘︎ 237
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onthedown_lough
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
🚨︎ report
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

πŸ‘︎ 808
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmmaTR2002
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Browsing reddit on mobile? Place your device on your body.

r/dadjokes on you!

πŸ‘︎ 212
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neloc1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
We were eating supper from a local Indo-Canadian restaurant and my wife's eyes rolled so hard it was audible.

It's a nice little place that serves Indian food, and some Canadian stuff, like pizza. We ordered their Hawaiian special, and loved it. I told my wife the texture of the crust lead me to think they used Indian flatbread for it.

She replied "So that is the secret ingredient?"

"Could be," I answered. "But it's naan of your business what their recipe is."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xayoz306
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad dropped a good one to my mom and garnered an audible groan from the rest of us in the room.

Mom: Yea, they have a new daycare and really love it. It's only three doors down from their house so it's very convenient.

Dad: Huh... That'd be a good band name.

Mom: What?

Dad: Three Doors Down. That'd be a good band name.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billyBIGtyme
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2015
🚨︎ report
I have a Polish friend who has a job as a sound engineer...

I have a Czech one too...

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2017
🚨︎ report
What did the vegetarian say to the doctor?

I feel good from my head tomatoes.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PurplePyrate
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My Norwegian girlfriend works at the pet store and I saw her checkout a pet bird today.

I guess you could say she Scandinavian.

πŸ‘︎ 191
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bryanBr
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Parallel lines have so much in common!

..It’s a shame they’ll never meet each other.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spicyoolong
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I was telling my friend about this dairy-free protein powder I found.

And he said "no whey!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punk_Rock_Chef
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Not to brag, but I have this incredible talent in predicting what’s inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift.

πŸ‘︎ 984
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a friend named Jack that can talk to vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk!!!

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PinkDG
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
"That's what." -She
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RichNCrispy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad: *Rubs couch* "Is this satin?"

Mom: "It's clearly not."

Dad: Sits down "It is now!"

πŸ‘︎ 296
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lWoooooOl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
🚨︎ report
I was at the grocery store, confused about how much lettuce to buy. So I called my wife for advice.

Turns out two heads are better than one.

πŸ‘︎ 215
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better

if every fifth caller was a winner

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Paladium9999
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Pulled this one on a wrong number today.

Wrong number lady: "I'm looking for a, uh, Victor?"

Me: "Nice, wha'd I win?"

WNL: (audible confusion and realization)

I know it's bad but I felt like my dad today.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CebidaeForeplay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is "o" the loudest vowel?

Because all the other vowels are in audible.

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBritishSnob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
🚨︎ report
I have this recurring dream that E.T. tackles me, puts grey tape on my belly, and runs away.

I keep getting ab-duct-taped by aliens.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c?

Because you can’t c in the dark.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theperrywinkle05
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Where do poor Italians live?

In the spaghetto.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Exos_VII
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2018
🚨︎ report
I got to celebrate my birthday for half a minute today!

It's my thirty second birthday.

πŸ‘︎ 221
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotfoffeemomma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Me Dad got me with this one at dinner...

I was visiting my folks, and decided to take em out to dinner when Ma got home. We go for a feed, all is well. I'm standing up at the end of the table, leaning on its edge with me phone out as Ma was organising herself. Da came back from the loo, and asked me what I was doing on me phone.

"Checking me balance." I replied, showing him my bank app. I had just been paid and was moving money around to savings and such, after paying for dinner by phone NFC.

Without warning he gives me a good hip n shoulder, not hard enough to send me flying but enough to shift me a bit.

"Ya balance looks shit, boy."

He smirks at me as Ma groans audibly. Cheeky old bugger.

This is why he's going in a crooked retirement home you always see on the News.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oi-FatBeard
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm in a time traveling rock band

It's called AD/BC

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhilmaxDCSwagger
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
The cleaning crew stopped by my office to dust

I work in an office with 2 other guys and we all get along very well. Once every other week, a cleaning crew comes in to sweep, dust, mop etc.

One of the cleaning crew had a duster out and was dusting my coworkers desk. He told the lady to hit me with the duster as I was acting silly as usual. She said she couldn't as she would go to jail for battery. I said, "No. You would go to jail for assault with a dusty weapon."

The audible groans and chuckles were fuel to my dad humoured fire.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarFlipJudge
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does the NSA hate igloos?

Because they are snow dens.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TehNewDrummer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2014
🚨︎ report
You’ve probably heard this joke before.

Now, you’ve read it.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shurdddd
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the DJ name his son?

This is an audible joke so just typing the name here won't be funny.

My video of the joke, 4 seconds.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PropDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a donkey that falls in ditch?

An Asshole

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IUserThisName
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2018
🚨︎ report
There’s still time!

My daughter said this while discussing Valentine’s Day card ideas.

β€œWe could put Swedish fish in them” β€œYeah and?” β€œThen you write, you’re my SWEETEST fish”

I audibly exhaled. And I’ve never been more proud.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/platypus_eyes
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today

My boyfriend said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Legal_Fiction
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2017
🚨︎ report

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