Christian Bale
I call it the 0k boomer experiment.
...but the reviews said it's only good on paper
Me: Sure, tell me one son. My Son: Did you know that Lincoln had a guard with him at the theater where he was shot, but that the guard left to go across the street to have a drink and that's why Lincoln wasn't guarded when he was shot? Me: No, son, I had no idea. My Son: But that's not all. It was the same bar that John Wilkes Booth was waiting in before going to kill the president. Me: So did they see each other? My Son: I'm not sure dad. I'm thinking Booth might have been waiting to see if he would come in before he went over to shoot Lincoln. Me: I wonder if the guard came in, and Booth ask him if he could buy him a shot?!?!? My Son: audibly smacks head
Every time I walk by she says, “What an Ass.”
Excali-buuurrrrr
It was a No Bell Prize.
She came into my office with a box of highlighters for me and as a dad, I felt compelled to say "thanks, this will be the highlight of my day"
She sighed, groaned, and left, questioning her life choice to work here. :(
r/dadjokes on you!
and fruit flies like a banana.
They saw the signs before anyone else
He said: "No sir, Ill need it back tomorrow night"
http://imgur.com/fm36oJ1
Last night I was at a bar with a couple buddies and a girl I've been seeing (we'll call her Melissa). We're playing 2v2 pool and I'm on Melissa's team when my other buddy shoots and misses. Being fairly new to pool, Melissa perks up and says "Is it my turn?"
To which I said "That would be your cue" as I handed her her pool stick.
I feel good from my head tomatoes.
Jack and the beans talk!!!
Wrong number lady: "I'm looking for a, uh, Victor?"
Me: "Nice, wha'd I win?"
WNL: (audible confusion and realization)
I know it's bad but I felt like my dad today.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
It's a nice little place that serves Indian food, and some Canadian stuff, like pizza. We ordered their Hawaiian special, and loved it. I told my wife the texture of the crust lead me to think they used Indian flatbread for it.
She replied "So that is the secret ingredient?"
"Could be," I answered. "But it's naan of your business what their recipe is."
Mom: Yea, they have a new daycare and really love it. It's only three doors down from their house so it's very convenient.
Dad: Huh... That'd be a good band name.
Mom: What?
Dad: Three Doors Down. That'd be a good band name.
It’s a gift.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
I work in an office with 2 other guys and we all get along very well. Once every other week, a cleaning crew comes in to sweep, dust, mop etc.
One of the cleaning crew had a duster out and was dusting my coworkers desk. He told the lady to hit me with the duster as I was acting silly as usual. She said she couldn't as she would go to jail for battery. I said, "No. You would go to jail for assault with a dusty weapon."
The audible groans and chuckles were fuel to my dad humoured fire.
Mom: "It's clearly not."
Dad: Sits down "It is now!"
Because all the other vowels are in audible.
Because you can’t c in the dark.
And he said "no whey!"
..It’s a shame they’ll never meet each other.
I guess you could say she Scandinavian.
I have a Czech one too...
This is an audible joke so just typing the name here won't be funny.
It's called AD/BC
It's my thirty second birthday.
if every fifth caller was a winner
Now, you’ve read it.
I was visiting my folks, and decided to take em out to dinner when Ma got home. We go for a feed, all is well. I'm standing up at the end of the table, leaning on its edge with me phone out as Ma was organising herself. Da came back from the loo, and asked me what I was doing on me phone.
"Checking me balance." I replied, showing him my bank app. I had just been paid and was moving money around to savings and such, after paying for dinner by phone NFC.
Without warning he gives me a good hip n shoulder, not hard enough to send me flying but enough to shift me a bit.
"Ya balance looks shit, boy."
He smirks at me as Ma groans audibly. Cheeky old bugger.
This is why he's going in a crooked retirement home you always see on the News.
Because they are snow dens.
I keep getting ab-duct-taped by aliens.
You know how you can tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? ...One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
Me being the only other dad in the room silently chuckled while the other 3 non-dad executives let out an audible groan.
An Asshole
Women can hold grudges for a long time, about a week ago I swapped out my wife's lipstick for super glue, she hasn't spoken to me since!
My wife and I were having a late dinner after we put my son to bed. She asked me, "Do you know what all prime rib really is?" I replied "A rib divisible only by itself and one?" The eye roll was audible.
My boyfriend said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
I'm a fairly new dad and my wife was chopping up walnuts:
Me: my respect for walnuts has really changed for the better recently.
Wife: (looks at me funny...) Why?
Me: they've really come out of their shell...
There was an audible groan and sadly, I had to high five myself..
I’ve never been so happy to make everyone at a table hate me.
Another player and I were getting into a pretty big pot at the Texas Hold Em table at my local casino last night.
Towards the end of the hand, he went “all-in” meaning he bet all of the rest of his chips.
When he pushed his stacks of chips in the middle, there was a really long hair hanging off of the chips that stayed attached to the top of his chip stack.
When the dealer counted up his stack he said “the bet is $205”
And I replied “ah, so just a hair over 200 dollars then??”
I’ve never wanted kids, but the audible groans I was rewarded with are now making me think I might be ignoring my calling.
lol
All the others are in audible...
My daughter said this while discussing Valentine’s Day card ideas.
“We could put Swedish fish in them” “Yeah and?” “Then you write, you’re my SWEETEST fish”
I audibly exhaled. And I’ve never been more proud.
I waved at it as I walked by and replied "Bye-Biscus"
If her audible groan was not satisfaction enough, the amused chuckle of the older gentleman walking in the other direction certainly was.
Me: I ain't taking your ash anywhere!
So in Canberra people are picking their own mushrooms; which would be fine except for the rather hazardous Death Caps that seem to be plentiful right now. A local radio station asked their listeners whether hey thought mushroom sales at stores or restaurants would go down, and what people thought of the whole issue. With a decade of experience in hospitality I thought I'd call and while waiting to go on air, the presenters joked about calling up the head 'mushroom guy' for Australia and asking their opinion.
I go on air and assure them that no restaurant worth their salt would risk their name and business by buying mushrooms that weren't from an official farm. But just before They bid me farewell I said; "I hope you do get to talk to the head mushroom person, I bet he's a real Fungi".
There was silence followed by barely audible raucous laughter from what sounded like either outside their booth or over the intercom, I'm not sure. The presenters denied me an on air groan or laugh and just pretended like I had said nothing. But someone laughed... Someone...
[Edit: Wow, unable to log in to reddit for a day and I miss getting nearly eight times more up votes than I have since joining Reddit last year. Thanks all! I knew having a 1 yr old would pay off.]
I was making food, beating an egg with a fork and the missus said
"Add salt in the egg"
So I replied
"I'm already assaulting the egg"
My wife let out an audible groan and left me chuckling in the kitchen.
So my daughter is in a group that lets one kid take home a stuffed owl for a week, and write in a book about what activities they did with the owl, and return it for the next kid to take home.
This past week was her turn, and it’s due to go back tomorrow evening. So tonight while getting ready for bed I casually remind my wife that tomorrow was the deadline and to remember to write in the journal.
I say “I wrote it on the white board so that we all have a chance to remember”
She replies “You may have to text me from work “remember the owl””
So I go to the next room and text right then and there: “Remember the Owl-amo!”
I could hear an audible groan
I just got up to take a piss (at two in the morning, mind you), and farted while I was peeing. Lo and behold, from across the house, I hear an audible "Ha!" Thanks, dad.
Yeah, his name is Sean Splicer.
So today in anthro we were discussing what methods are used in dating fossils and fossil sites. We started talking about using rock layers to date and he said "this reminds me of one of the colleagues I had. He was pretty young and when ever we had our get togethers he would bring this beautiful woman, different every time, that always turned out to be his cousin. Anyways this method is an example of relative dating."
There were a couple laughs and one audible groan.
<audibly groans> there?
Little old lady
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!!
Backstory: I'm a flight instructor, and I was teaching one of my students about the "Area Forecast". We were going through which areas of the country the forecast covered, and in addition to a bunch of states, there's a few lakes, like Lake Superior, Lake Michigan, Lake Huron, etc.
Her: "Why are these lakes included in the forecast?"
Me: "Because they're pretty great."
Additional backstory: I will be a dad of 2 in less than a month.
Where I work, we have a honeybee hive and sell the honey in our market.
A pair of beekeepers were in the other day to extract some combs and before they left, they asked us (my Hispanic coworkers and myself) if we wanted to see them.
Both of my coworkers exclaimed, "Si, si!" and I promptly chimed in, "No, they aren't c's - they're bees!"
Audibly groans were had, I am ready for fatherhood.
Its all the pressure the oranges are exposed to.
First day of summer vacation, pack up the family and bring them to Canobie Lake Park, a local amusement park.
We all get on the Ferris Wheel and the listen to the instructions:
Operator: "Please keep you arms and legs in the cart at all times, remain seated until the ride comes to a complete stop and please NO ROCKING!"
Me: "Awwww man, I was just abut to crank some AC/DC"
My family and the family in line behind us: ::audible groans::
Me: Nah. They they all have holes in 'em.
Everyone in room: Audible groan.
We were in the meat section of food world, picking up some food for dinner.
I ask, "what's the cheapest meat you can buy?"
He looks up from the grocery list and says, "I don't know?"
"Deer testicles. They're under a buck."
He audibly groaned and was not amused. Needless to say, I think I'll be doing the grocery shopping on my own for a little while.
To which I replied, "Unless it's exothermic, in which case it's hot"
The eye roll was audible.
F: "You know, I was born with 3 knees. So were you. Your brother too. I asked the doctor about it when you were born.. Sorry i didn't tell you."
Me: "That seems like important information."
Brother: "Why wait until now?"
F: "Well, i figured you'd notice yous by now. The right knee, the left knee, and the wee knee."
very audible groans were had.
Edit: words
My brother (a new dad) bought Thanksgiving pies from a fancy bakery.
Bro: they were a really hipster bakery. Tattoos and piercings and all.
Me: Oh, and did they give you the pies still warm?
Bro: no...
Me: well, they should've given it to you before it was cool.
I got several audible groans!
In the shops
Pick up a carton of eggs
Open the carton to check for broken eggs
Say audibly "Yep, they're eggs"
Sometimes get a chuckle from an obvious dad
It was kind of hard to spot, and I slowed down. My wife was impressed that I had spotted it so far away. As we went past it, the horns were visible.
"Good thing I passed the buck!", I said, to audible groans.
so the events manager was coordinating with the head chef at my job (i work at a hotel).
they were discussing the three types of fish they currently had in stock and people's receptions. the general consensus regarding the first was positive. they moved on to the second which also received rave reviews. they left out discussion of the third. from my chair about 20 yards away i proclaim;
"i guess the third is a whole other fish to fry!"
audible groan from everyone in the office. success.
my dad would be proud.
So we were driving downtown and there was a manikin standing in front of a second hand clothing store with a "50% off" sign around its neck.
"She's not wearing any pants!" said my wife.
"Well it says right on the sign there's half off today..."
A facepalm and audible groan ensued. I may not be a dad yet but I'm going to be ready.
Growing up if I ever asked my dad to move out of the way he would start dancing (moving) his body and not get out of the way. I hated it and eventually trained myself to never say the word "move" to my dad. Now that I'm married I can't help but to dance around when my husband asks me to move. The audible sigh he makes should be enough for me to stop but I can't.
Was at dinner tonight with my girlfriends family and her sister brought her new puppy over. Their step dad left the room momentarily and the puppy followed him.
GF: Oh, jeeze <step dad>, you've got a little stalker!!
Me: Oh no!!! We better call the pawlice!
Rest of table: <audible groans>
I'm only 22, but I like to think I have a bit of dad in me already.
... we were just passing a middle eastern resteraunt when she says "Felafel?"
"No I feel fine, just a bit hungry."
audible moan
I was getting my hair cut today and told her how I started blacksmithing this summer and made my own forge.
Barber: "Oh that's really cool!"
Me: "Actually, it's really hot!"
Barber audibly groans.
Thanks for raising me right Dad!
English teacher: Great work. Have a week off.
Pupil: ....
English teacher: choughs quietly
Class: audible groans
Made the comment after the movie that it was 'grizzly'. Followed it up by saying I 'bearly' made it thru the movie. I then apologized for the 'big paws' between my jokes.
There were audible groans by the couple walking out in front of us.
My character and his companions are walking around a dwarven ruin when a conversation occurs between two of them that goes something like this:
"You hadn't written me since the day that explosion happened! If you had died in that I would've come and dug up your corpse just to kick your ass."
The NPC in question says "what would you have done if I had been cremated?"
"I would have kicked your ash"
No groans from the other NPCs occurred but mine was certainly audible from my room.
So a little back story, I work at a fitness center as a lifeguard. I'm on a pretty friendly basis with a lot of the regulars because the same group usually comes and swim laps around the same time. I usually like to joke with them as they come in, catch up, comment on new swim suits or haircuts or whatever.
Anyway the joke, so a woman comes in wearing a new blue suit with black trim.
I threw my hands up in the air and ask from across the pool, "oh no! Did you get into a fight??"
When she looked at me confused, I then followed up with "You're all black and blue!"
Her audible groan couldn't have been more perfectly timed.
We had a good laugh after that though.
"All day!" Followed by an audible groan from me.
Every goddamn time.
We belong to a Hindu family.
Sister: Mom, I don't feel so good.
Mother: What's wrong?
Sister: I'm sick.
Father: No, you're Hindu. What is wrong with you?
Muffled laughter and audible groans were heard.
Yesterday, while sitting in a restaurant, a little girl at the table next to us ordered chicken fingers. Her dad scolded her, saying "I can't believe you'd get those, do you realize just how rare chickens with fingers actually are?" To which, I couldn't help but reply "Probably about as rare as Buffalo with wings!" We both mentally high fived each other, while our wives and his kids rolled their eyes and audibly groaned.
Her: "Haha, I tend to go off on tangents"
Me: "I actually go off on secants myself..."
Her: audible groan and eye roll
Still went pretty well I'd say
GF: "Hey blakinola, Why would the pope be a good businessman?"
Me: "I dunno, why would he be a good businessman?"
GF: "Because he would be running a Holy-owned subsidiary"
*audible groan*
So I'm getting a tattoo done of my dog's paw print and his name.
I messaged my dad telling him it's today and he replies back with.
"Paws to consider what you're about to do."
I audibly groaned
So we were engaging in adult sodas last evening, and someone raised their beer and said, "Let's toast!" And I said, "To cooked bread!" The eyerolls were almost audible, but I laughed too hard.
Bro: I don't know why they call it the stare-io, I always just listen to it.
Me: audible groan
my girlfriend and her coworker were discussing the differences between the night shift and day shift.
me: Would you say the difference is night and day?
them: (Audible groans)
So I was in Sonic last night, since I was in the mood for a shake, and I'm sure y'all know that when you're ready to order, you push a red button then wait for the person to take your order via speaker. Well, after a few minutes, a guy came to the speaker and said "welcome to Sonic, sorry for the wait" to which I responded by saying "Weight? What? I'm not fat" then I bursted out laughing while the attendant let out an audible groan. In my mind, I said "victory is mine!"
Professor: What does everyone say about borque? Class: confused looks* Professor: If it's borque, don't fix it! Class: audible groans*
I spent a busy week working and was aching all over. During that week, a friend of mine had managed to slip some laxatives into my diet. After a few days of rest, another friend asked how I was feeling. I replied, "I'm not aching as much now, just my arse really. I've had a lot of crap to deal with". This friend knew of the laxatives and groaned audibly.
I rolled over on the bed and laid my head down during the Grammys tonight. Following conversation ensued- Boyfriend- hey! Watch the Grammys!
Me- why? Stevie wonder isn't even watching and he's on stage!
Boyfriend- snorts air audibly and rolls eyes.
Success.
