...but the reviews said it's only good on paper
Mom: Yea, they have a new daycare and really love it. It's only three doors down from their house so it's very convenient.
Dad: Huh... That'd be a good band name.
Mom: What?
Dad: Three Doors Down. That'd be a good band name.
Me: Sure, tell me one son. My Son: Did you know that Lincoln had a guard with him at the theater where he was shot, but that the guard left to go across the street to have a drink and that's why Lincoln wasn't guarded when he was shot? Me: No, son, I had no idea. My Son: But that's not all. It was the same bar that John Wilkes Booth was waiting in before going to kill the president. Me: So did they see each other? My Son: I'm not sure dad. I'm thinking Booth might have been waiting to see if he would come in before he went over to shoot Lincoln. Me: I wonder if the guard came in, and Booth ask him if he could buy him a shot?!?!? My Son: audibly smacks head
I work in an office with 2 other guys and we all get along very well. Once every other week, a cleaning crew comes in to sweep, dust, mop etc.
One of the cleaning crew had a duster out and was dusting my coworkers desk. He told the lady to hit me with the duster as I was acting silly as usual. She said she couldn't as she would go to jail for battery. I said, "No. You would go to jail for assault with a dusty weapon."
The audible groans and chuckles were fuel to my dad humoured fire.
This is an audible joke so just typing the name here won't be funny.
Because all the other vowels are in audible.
I was visiting my folks, and decided to take em out to dinner when Ma got home. We go for a feed, all is well. I'm standing up at the end of the table, leaning on its edge with me phone out as Ma was organising herself. Da came back from the loo, and asked me what I was doing on me phone.
"Checking me balance." I replied, showing him my bank app. I had just been paid and was moving money around to savings and such, after paying for dinner by phone NFC.
Without warning he gives me a good hip n shoulder, not hard enough to send me flying but enough to shift me a bit.
"Ya balance looks shit, boy."
He smirks at me as Ma groans audibly. Cheeky old bugger.
This is why he's going in a crooked retirement home you always see on the News.
My wife and I were having a late dinner after we put my son to bed. She asked me, "Do you know what all prime rib really is?" I replied "A rib divisible only by itself and one?" The eye roll was audible.
I'm a fairly new dad and my wife was chopping up walnuts:
Me: my respect for walnuts has really changed for the better recently.
Wife: (looks at me funny...) Why?
Me: they've really come out of their shell...
There was an audible groan and sadly, I had to high five myself..
You know how you can tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? ...One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
Me being the only other dad in the room silently chuckled while the other 3 non-dad executives let out an audible groan.
I waved at it as I walked by and replied "Bye-Biscus"
If her audible groan was not satisfaction enough, the amused chuckle of the older gentleman walking in the other direction certainly was.
All the others are in audible...
I’ve never been so happy to make everyone at a table hate me.
Another player and I were getting into a pretty big pot at the Texas Hold Em table at my local casino last night.
Towards the end of the hand, he went “all-in” meaning he bet all of the rest of his chips.
When he pushed his stacks of chips in the middle, there was a really long hair hanging off of the chips that stayed attached to the top of his chip stack.
When the dealer counted up his stack he said “the bet is $205”
And I replied “ah, so just a hair over 200 dollars then??”
I’ve never wanted kids, but the audible groans I was rewarded with are now making me think I might be ignoring my calling.
So in Canberra people are picking their own mushrooms; which would be fine except for the rather hazardous Death Caps that seem to be plentiful right now. A local radio station asked their listeners whether hey thought mushroom sales at stores or restaurants would go down, and what people thought of the whole issue. With a decade of experience in hospitality I thought I'd call and while waiting to go on air, the presenters joked about calling up the head 'mushroom guy' for Australia and asking their opinion.
I go on air and assure them that no restaurant worth their salt would risk their name and business by buying mushrooms that weren't from an official farm. But just before They bid me farewell I said; "I hope you do get to talk to the head mushroom person, I bet he's a real Fungi".
There was silence followed by barely audible raucous laughter from what sounded like either outside their booth or over the intercom, I'm not sure. The presenters denied me an on air groan or laugh and just pretended like I had said nothing. But someone laughed... Someone...
[Edit: Wow, unable to log in to reddit for a day and I miss getting nearly eight times more up votes than I have since joining Reddit last year. Thanks all! I knew having a 1 yr old would pay off.]
I just got up to take a piss (at two in the morning, mind you), and farted while I was peeing. Lo and behold, from across the house, I hear an audible "Ha!" Thanks, dad.
I was making food, beating an egg with a fork and the missus said
"Add salt in the egg"
So I replied
"I'm already assaulting the egg"
My wife let out an audible groan and left me chuckling in the kitchen.
So today in anthro we were discussing what methods are used in dating fossils and fossil sites. We started talking about using rock layers to date and he said "this reminds me of one of the colleagues I had. He was pretty young and when ever we had our get togethers he would bring this beautiful woman, different every time, that always turned out to be his cousin. Anyways this method is an example of relative dating."
There were a couple laughs and one audible groan.
So my daughter is in a group that lets one kid take home a stuffed owl for a week, and write in a book about what activities they did with the owl, and return it for the next kid to take home.
This past week was her turn, and it’s due to go back tomorrow evening. So tonight while getting ready for bed I casually remind my wife that tomorrow was the deadline and to remember to write in the journal.
I say “I wrote it on the white board so that we all have a chance to remember”
She replies “You may have to text me from work “remember the owl””
So I go to the next room and text right then and there: “Remember the Owl-amo!”
I could hear an audible groan
Where I work, we have a honeybee hive and sell the honey in our market.
A pair of beekeepers were in the other day to extract some combs and before they left, they asked us (my Hispanic coworkers and myself) if we wanted to see them.
Both of my coworkers exclaimed, "Si, si!" and I promptly chimed in, "No, they aren't c's - they're bees!"
Audibly groans were had, I am ready for fatherhood.
First day of summer vacation, pack up the family and bring them to Canobie Lake Park, a local amusement park.
We all get on the Ferris Wheel and the listen to the instructions:
Operator: "Please keep you arms and legs in the cart at all times, remain seated until the ride comes to a complete stop and please NO ROCKING!"
Me: "Awwww man, I was just abut to crank some AC/DC"
My family and the family in line behind us: ::audible groans::
We were in the meat section of food world, picking up some food for dinner.
I ask, "what's the cheapest meat you can buy?"
He looks up from the grocery list and says, "I don't know?"
"Deer testicles. They're under a buck."
He audibly groaned and was not amused. Needless to say, I think I'll be doing the grocery shopping on my own for a little while.
F: "You know, I was born with 3 knees. So were you. Your brother too. I asked the doctor about it when you were born.. Sorry i didn't tell you."
Me: "That seems like important information."
Brother: "Why wait until now?"
F: "Well, i figured you'd notice yous by now. The right knee, the left knee, and the wee knee."
very audible groans were had.
Edit: words
To which I replied, "Unless it's exothermic, in which case it's hot"
The eye roll was audible.
My brother (a new dad) bought Thanksgiving pies from a fancy bakery.
Bro: they were a really hipster bakery. Tattoos and piercings and all.
Me: Oh, and did they give you the pies still warm?
Bro: no...
Me: well, they should've given it to you before it was cool.
I got several audible groans!
It was kind of hard to spot, and I slowed down. My wife was impressed that I had spotted it so far away. As we went past it, the horns were visible.
"Good thing I passed the buck!", I said, to audible groans.
In the shops
Pick up a carton of eggs
Open the carton to check for broken eggs
Say audibly "Yep, they're eggs"
Sometimes get a chuckle from an obvious dad
so the events manager was coordinating with the head chef at my job (i work at a hotel).
they were discussing the three types of fish they currently had in stock and people's receptions. the general consensus regarding the first was positive. they moved on to the second which also received rave reviews. they left out discussion of the third. from my chair about 20 yards away i proclaim;
"i guess the third is a whole other fish to fry!"
audible groan from everyone in the office. success.
my dad would be proud.
Growing up if I ever asked my dad to move out of the way he would start dancing (moving) his body and not get out of the way. I hated it and eventually trained myself to never say the word "move" to my dad. Now that I'm married I can't help but to dance around when my husband asks me to move. The audible sigh he makes should be enough for me to stop but I can't.
So we were driving downtown and there was a manikin standing in front of a second hand clothing store with a "50% off" sign around its neck.
"She's not wearing any pants!" said my wife.
"Well it says right on the sign there's half off today..."
A facepalm and audible groan ensued. I may not be a dad yet but I'm going to be ready.
Was at dinner tonight with my girlfriends family and her sister brought her new puppy over. Their step dad left the room momentarily and the puppy followed him.
GF: Oh, jeeze <step dad>, you've got a little stalker!!
Me: Oh no!!! We better call the pawlice!
Rest of table: <audible groans>
I'm only 22, but I like to think I have a bit of dad in me already.
My character and his companions are walking around a dwarven ruin when a conversation occurs between two of them that goes something like this:
"You hadn't written me since the day that explosion happened! If you had died in that I would've come and dug up your corpse just to kick your ass."
The NPC in question says "what would you have done if I had been cremated?"
"I would have kicked your ash"
No groans from the other NPCs occurred but mine was certainly audible from my room.
Made the comment after the movie that it was 'grizzly'. Followed it up by saying I 'bearly' made it thru the movie. I then apologized for the 'big paws' between my jokes.
There were audible groans by the couple walking out in front of us.
So a little back story, I work at a fitness center as a lifeguard. I'm on a pretty friendly basis with a lot of the regulars because the same group usually comes and swim laps around the same time. I usually like to joke with them as they come in, catch up, comment on new swim suits or haircuts or whatever.
Anyway the joke, so a woman comes in wearing a new blue suit with black trim.
I threw my hands up in the air and ask from across the pool, "oh no! Did you get into a fight??"
When she looked at me confused, I then followed up with "You're all black and blue!"
Her audible groan couldn't have been more perfectly timed.
We had a good laugh after that though.
So we were engaging in adult sodas last evening, and someone raised their beer and said, "Let's toast!" And I said, "To cooked bread!" The eyerolls were almost audible, but I laughed too hard.
GF: "Hey blakinola, Why would the pope be a good businessman?"
Me: "I dunno, why would he be a good businessman?"
GF: "Because he would be running a Holy-owned subsidiary"
*audible groan*
my girlfriend and her coworker were discussing the differences between the night shift and day shift.
me: Would you say the difference is night and day?
them: (Audible groans)
Bro: I don't know why they call it the stare-io, I always just listen to it.
Me: audible groan
Yesterday, while sitting in a restaurant, a little girl at the table next to us ordered chicken fingers. Her dad scolded her, saying "I can't believe you'd get those, do you realize just how rare chickens with fingers actually are?" To which, I couldn't help but reply "Probably about as rare as Buffalo with wings!" We both mentally high fived each other, while our wives and his kids rolled their eyes and audibly groaned.
So I was in Sonic last night, since I was in the mood for a shake, and I'm sure y'all know that when you're ready to order, you push a red button then wait for the person to take your order via speaker. Well, after a few minutes, a guy came to the speaker and said "welcome to Sonic, sorry for the wait" to which I responded by saying "Weight? What? I'm not fat" then I bursted out laughing while the attendant let out an audible groan. In my mind, I said "victory is mine!"
I am the father in this situation, but I'll phrase what I say as 'dad'.
for context my daughter is half Japanese and her mother is Japanese, the Japanese for idiot is 'baka'
Daughter/Mother: "I'm going out with my friends I'll be back later"
Dad "OK, what time will you be baka?"
Daughter/mother "maybe 9 or 10"
Dad " *sniggers to himself "
Daughter/Mother " *audible sigh "
As long as they keep falling for it, I'll keep saying it.
I spent a busy week working and was aching all over. During that week, a friend of mine had managed to slip some laxatives into my diet. After a few days of rest, another friend asked how I was feeling. I replied, "I'm not aching as much now, just my arse really. I've had a lot of crap to deal with". This friend knew of the laxatives and groaned audibly.
My little brother was fascinated by the picture of the 466 lb flounder that has been going around lately and I told him my dad would be interested. Little bro: "Look at how big this fish is dad!" Pops: "That is an absolute shame, you shouldn't be supporting that." Little bro: "Why? Are they not going to eat it?" Pops: "No. They do it just for the halibut." Me: [audible sigh]
I rolled over on the bed and laid my head down during the Grammys tonight. Following conversation ensued- Boyfriend- hey! Watch the Grammys!
Me- why? Stevie wonder isn't even watching and he's on stage!
Boyfriend- snorts air audibly and rolls eyes.
Success.
