Man at the theatre asks the usher: β€œwhat’s my seat number?”

Usher responds: β€œ10-Q”

Man responds: β€œYou’re welcome. Now what’s my seat number?”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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It occurred to me today that I would have loved to see two of my favorite bands from the 90s, led respectively by David Usher and Gavin Rossdale, on the same ticket. The sign on the theatre would have been epic.

Moist Bush.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/average_legend
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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I put original copies of "The Fall of the House of Usher", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue", "The Pit and the Pendulum" and "The Tell-Tale Heart" on credit hoping to pay them off slowly. Unfortunately, I couldn't make all payments...

He re-Poe-ed them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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Growing up, what was Usher's favourite food his mom made ?

Her peas

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/music_snobbbb
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
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If you go to an Usher concert...

does he show you to your seat?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/superstoreman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2014
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Usher was playing some chess

Usher at a baseball game last night was telling some of us that he had gone to play chess with his son, but some of the small pieces were missing.

Turns to a couple ladies, "do either of you know where I can find a pawn shop?"

They groaned. My girlfriend groaned. I laughed hysterically and shot water out of my nose.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quixotic_Ryan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2015
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Near the end of my wife's pregnancy she suddenly began yelling out "can't!", "won't!", "shan't!", "mustn't!", and suddenly it dawned on me..

I think she's having contractions!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
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Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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I visited my friend in jail the other day and there was a jailbreak.

Suddenly there was pandemonium everywhere. The guards on duty ushered us out of the gates just as a horde of inmates began climbing over the barrier wall.

One by one they dropped down disappearing into the brush. Just as I looked up, a midget in an orange jumpsuit stuck his tongue out at me and gave me the finger as he came down.

I thought to myself, "Well that's a little con descending."

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ‘€︎ u/garrettbtm22
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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Me: Can you direct me to a seat, Please

Usher: YEAH

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
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An orchestra goes to a rock concert.

They leave in disgust, the usher asks what's wrong and they replies: We just can't Handel this.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/meibolite
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2018
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Fred Flintstone was driving to work one day...

...and accidentally hit a curb going around a corner. Since then, any time he loosens his grip on the steering wheel, his car drifts to the right. Knowing he needed to have it serviced anyway, Fred goes to the local dealership to figure out what's going on. At the service desk, Fred talks to the manager about how his steering wheel is acting funny.

Service manager: "Oh, that's pretty common. You just need an alignment."

Puzzled, Fred asks, "What's wrong with it that an alignment can fix?"

Ushering Fred over to his car, the service manager answers, "It's pretty obvious, actually. If you look right there, your front driver-side wheel has too much toe."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/Faerco
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2016
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Trying to teach my friend how to be a Dad.

Me: You're an usher?

Friend: I'm one of the overall supervisors.

Me: We get overalls for this? What kind?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChargedCable
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2014
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