...but the reviews said it's only good on paper
She gasped audibly and said, “Yeah?”
I said, “Help! My knee is made of magnets!”
I call it the 0k boomer experiment.
She came into my office with a box of highlighters for me and as a dad, I felt compelled to say "thanks, this will be the highlight of my day"
She sighed, groaned, and left, questioning her life choice to work here. :(
It was a No Bell Prize.
Every time I walk by she says, “What an Ass.”
Excali-buuurrrrr
http://imgur.com/fm36oJ1
Last night I was at a bar with a couple buddies and a girl I've been seeing (we'll call her Melissa). We're playing 2v2 pool and I'm on Melissa's team when my other buddy shoots and misses. Being fairly new to pool, Melissa perks up and says "Is it my turn?"
To which I said "That would be your cue" as I handed her her pool stick.
Me: Sure, tell me one son. My Son: Did you know that Lincoln had a guard with him at the theater where he was shot, but that the guard left to go across the street to have a drink and that's why Lincoln wasn't guarded when he was shot? Me: No, son, I had no idea. My Son: But that's not all. It was the same bar that John Wilkes Booth was waiting in before going to kill the president. Me: So did they see each other? My Son: I'm not sure dad. I'm thinking Booth might have been waiting to see if he would come in before he went over to shoot Lincoln. Me: I wonder if the guard came in, and Booth ask him if he could buy him a shot?!?!? My Son: audibly smacks head
r/dadjokes on you!
and fruit flies like a banana.
It's a nice little place that serves Indian food, and some Canadian stuff, like pizza. We ordered their Hawaiian special, and loved it. I told my wife the texture of the crust lead me to think they used Indian flatbread for it.
She replied "So that is the secret ingredient?"
"Could be," I answered. "But it's naan of your business what their recipe is."
They saw the signs before anyone else
Mom: Yea, they have a new daycare and really love it. It's only three doors down from their house so it's very convenient.
Dad: Huh... That'd be a good band name.
Mom: What?
Dad: Three Doors Down. That'd be a good band name.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I feel good from my head tomatoes.
Jack and the beans talk!!!
It’s a gift.
Mom: "It's clearly not."
Dad: Sits down "It is now!"
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Wrong number lady: "I'm looking for a, uh, Victor?"
Me: "Nice, wha'd I win?"
WNL: (audible confusion and realization)
I know it's bad but I felt like my dad today.
Because all the other vowels are in audible.
I have a Czech one too...
Because you can’t c in the dark.
I guess you could say she Scandinavian.
And he said "no whey!"
..It’s a shame they’ll never meet each other.
It's my thirty second birthday.
I work in an office with 2 other guys and we all get along very well. Once every other week, a cleaning crew comes in to sweep, dust, mop etc.
One of the cleaning crew had a duster out and was dusting my coworkers desk. He told the lady to hit me with the duster as I was acting silly as usual. She said she couldn't as she would go to jail for battery. I said, "No. You would go to jail for assault with a dusty weapon."
The audible groans and chuckles were fuel to my dad humoured fire.
It's called AD/BC
Because they are snow dens.
This is an audible joke so just typing the name here won't be funny.
if every fifth caller was a winner
Now, you’ve read it.
I keep getting ab-duct-taped by aliens.
An Asshole
I was visiting my folks, and decided to take em out to dinner when Ma got home. We go for a feed, all is well. I'm standing up at the end of the table, leaning on its edge with me phone out as Ma was organising herself. Da came back from the loo, and asked me what I was doing on me phone.
"Checking me balance." I replied, showing him my bank app. I had just been paid and was moving money around to savings and such, after paying for dinner by phone NFC.
Without warning he gives me a good hip n shoulder, not hard enough to send me flying but enough to shift me a bit.
"Ya balance looks shit, boy."
He smirks at me as Ma groans audibly. Cheeky old bugger.
This is why he's going in a crooked retirement home you always see on the News.
My boyfriend said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
Women can hold grudges for a long time, about a week ago I swapped out my wife's lipstick for super glue, she hasn't spoken to me since!
My wife and I were having a late dinner after we put my son to bed. She asked me, "Do you know what all prime rib really is?" I replied "A rib divisible only by itself and one?" The eye roll was audible.
