Why doesn't Steven Seagal swim in the bay?

Because he's fat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iMakeCrap
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30
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What type of haircut does Steven Spielberg get?

The director's cut.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ExUltra02
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09
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My middle name is Stevenson because my dads name is Steven and I’m his son.

So I guess you could say dad jokes are my middle name.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scottyboiii97
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26
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What’s the prequel to Steven King’s β€œIt”?

Shhhh

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
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Steven Seagull
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dunkinbiskits
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
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Steven Hawking made lots of discoveries

He must have always been speechless

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dankpenguin69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 Β  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2Β Β  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3Β Β  - Half the people you know are below average.

4Β Β  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 Β  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7Β Β  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 Β  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 Β  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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This guy lives in our back garden, we call him Steven... Steven Seagull
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pretend-its-good
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
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Fun Fact: Steven King's 'It' is actually the story of a financially-responsible clown.

He's really penny-wise.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/paintedforfilth
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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Steven Wright - β€œWhen I was a kid I heard the First Lady was married to the President...”

My only thought was ”Wow! I wonder if she ever got to see dinosaurs?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nborders
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
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It took me forever, but I finally finished Steven Hawking’s book.

It’s about time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
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Hey have you heard about Steven Tyler's new line of sweetened mayonnaise?

No? Well maybe you've heard the jingle "Sweet Emulsion."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FancySkunk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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A pun from Michael Stevens

When asked which law of physics was his favorite, he told us about Cole's law.

Cole's law states that one part cabbage mixed with one part mayonnaise will yield a delicious dish

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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_pugsley
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2017
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