Steven Seagull
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dunkinbiskits
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03
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Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 Β  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2Β Β  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3Β Β  - Half the people you know are below average.

4Β Β  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 Β  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7Β Β  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 Β  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 Β  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have o

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30
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This guy lives in our back garden, we call him Steven... Steven Seagull
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pretend-its-good
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
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Fun Fact: Steven King's 'It' is actually the story of a financially-responsible clown.

He's really penny-wise.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/paintedforfilth
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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Steven Wright - β€œWhen I was a kid I heard the First Lady was married to the President...”

My only thought was ”Wow! I wonder if she ever got to see dinosaurs?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nborders
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
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Rest In Peace Steven hawking
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πŸ‘€︎ u/warturtle27
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2018
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It took me forever, but I finally finished Steven Hawking’s book.

It’s about time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
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Hey have you heard about Steven Tyler's new line of sweetened mayonnaise?

No? Well maybe you've heard the jingle "Sweet Emulsion."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FancySkunk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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A pun from Michael Stevens

When asked which law of physics was his favorite, he told us about Cole's law.

Cole's law states that one part cabbage mixed with one part mayonnaise will yield a delicious dish

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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_pugsley
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2017
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A magician was driving down the road

Then he turned into a driveway.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBackstreetNet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26
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I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RLalaggin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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blursed yearbook quote
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πŸ‘€︎ u/farrukhsshah
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
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teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, 8, 10...?

steven: even numbers

stephen: ephen numbers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ravireads
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
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I bought some powdered water...

But I wasn’t sure what to add to it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wingstorm0
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
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I once played poker with a deck of tarot cards.

I got a full house and 3 people died.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RichNCrispy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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My son was born by C-section.

You can't tell by looking at him but when he gets out the car he always goes out the sun roof.

(Buddy of mine told me that one)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Exile_545
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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Scared...

I found a Steven King novel written in braille.....something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2018
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I am well acquainted with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I am well acquainted with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

Steven Wright

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Intagvalley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
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How many dyslexics does it take to change a light bulb?

Steven.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrScotty15
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2018
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So theres these two beavers

one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks. Steven runs over and says "Joe what are you doing?" And says "im just grilling up some sticks." Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says "JOE THATS A NON STICK PAN"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sparksio
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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We got a new guy at work

His name is Steven. We already had a Steven. The other day they both walked in together. I ask >"Which one of you guys is taller?"

>"He is."

>"Oh, so you aren't Even Stevens."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shadow321337
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2016
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When I worked for a design agency, I had two adamant higher-ups... (Long Pun)

When I worked for a design agency, I had two adamant higher-ups. There was a brand identity project for a new company, and I was in charge of typography, but those two disagreed with my choice of font.

The first one was this stony-looking Peruvian-American man named Esteban Ferrero, but since that's Spanish for Steven Smith, and our company had a rule that everyone has to call each other using nicknames instead of last names, everyone, including himself, just called him Steve. The second one was a Dutch woman with a sharp glare named Evelien van der Berg. She was famous for giving designers a hard time convincing her that their design choices work better than hers. In accordance with the company rules, we called her Eve.

Anyway, I showed Steve my first draft, and he wasn't convinced that I chose LinoLetter as the main font, and told me that I should use a sans-serif font. But I stood by my position that serifs add legibility to printed and digital material, that it fits the company's

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2016
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Cousin's 3 year old daughter is going to be a great dad one day.

My cousin and his wife have a 3 year old daughter, and they're traveling to visit us cross-country for Thanksgiving. In the hotel last night, cousin (Steven) was discussing breakfast with his daughter (Emily).

Steven: "Tomorrow morning, before we leave, the hotel is going to cook us breakfast!"

Emily: "Daddy, how is the hotel going to cook us breakfast? It doesn't even have hands!"

Steven said he's never been prouder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justinerwin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2015
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I dadjoked myself today. I was alone.

I was listening to NPR, and the host was interviewing some astro science major, talking about Steven Hawking's black hole theory.

Then the host asks "what are gravity waves?" During the guests NPR require pause, I said aloud to myself "...this is some heavy shit."

My immediate, stupid reaction

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πŸ‘€︎ u/suckitifly
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2015
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