A list of puns related to "The Tube"
It’s been a week now and she’s still not talking to me.
It'd make cents off so many levels.
/edit:rephrased punchline
"URETHRA!"
It was a vial substance.
You get a womb with a view.
Catherine.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
He went from barking to tooting in 15 minutes
"just put it on my bill"
Nope. There's a vas deferens.
(For those who skipped HS Biology - NSFW)
A boy and girl (about 14/15) were arguing about what trains they should take to get to their destination. Although friendly the argument got pretty loud and their other friend (boy, same age) says:
"Hey, no need to go off the rails....geddit?"
He looked really pleased with himself they didn't even laugh.
As I got off I looked at him, nodded and said "Nice" and he said "Thank you".
I forgot to mention that his girl friend might be pregnant.
Hey dad are you alright?
Yeah, but that sure was some strong cough-ee!
DAD!!!
Him: "Should we take this way out or that way out?"
Me: "That way out looks way out"
...wife mentions getting off at Barking. "That's where all the dogs live." Goes completely over his young kids head, wife gives him the 'you're an idiot' stare.
I got you covered my totally tubular friend.
I Wanna Be Deflated.
Twice dragons.
Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use “Wreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyou‘s for the kind words and awards.
After she makes and edits her video she starts to take pictures of her hands. Her mom walks by seeing this and asks "Why are you taking so many pictures of your thumbs?". The blond girl replies " If you want people to watch your YouTube videos you gotta have great thumbnail pictures."
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
I know this isn't strictly a Dad joke, but I feel it is in the spirit of the thing. My dad is getting is getting his leg amputated in January. Essentially he has no cartilage in his ankle, and it causes him severe pain all the time. He has an amazing sense of humor, so I wanted to get him a gift basket of foot-based things. So far I have: -fruit by the foot -Happy Feet -Footloose -an Ihop gift card -pack of tube socks (since now he gets 2 for 1) -Bologna (because his amputation is below knee) -a card saying congrats on the weight loss -all put inside of a stocking
What other foot based pun items would you include in the gift basket?
Me: While I was in the shower the water pressure wasn’t right, and I noticed the tubing on the handheld shower head is bent out of shape.
Wife: OK. Are you going to fix it?
Me: Eventually. But I have to confess something. I went ahead and used it this morning the way it is. Are you upset?
Wife: Upset? No. Why?
Me: Well, I think most wives would be pretty mad if they heard their husband had been taking a shower with some kinky hose.
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues
Shamelessly stolen from @techconnectify on Twitter and YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCy0tKL1T7wFoYcxCe0xjN6Q)
It was the best YouTube content I had seen up to date.
Buffet the Vampire Slayer
Not my joke! Citation Needed by Tom Scott on YouTube
What did the toothpaste wear to the club? --A tube top!
I'm on vacation with my girlfriend, and I've been crafting a lot more puns than usual. I wish I'd known about this subreddit sooner because I immediately forget them.
The latest was that we were on the Jubilee line on the London tube, and I asked her what Harry Potter's stop would be.
"Jubilee and Magic."
But I sung it to the tune of "do you believe in magic." She hates me.
my dad had these tubes in his nose, with oxygen when he woke up, and the nurse was around doing medical stuff..
Dad: Is these tubes necessary? can I take them out?
Nurse: I can try turning them off?
nurse is turning the medical ventilator off ...
My dad grasps for air
Nurse jumps in shock turning the ventilator on again and turns to look at my stupid father laughing
Nurse: "YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE, DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!"
My dad was pretty woozy at the time and still he made the practical joke of the year
Haha! ahh I love that old bastard..
Greeting punny people, I require your services to name an upcoming show on my YouTube channel.
The show will be about my first impressions on indie games that have been provided to me by developers. I need a humorous name that includes the word "indie" somehow.
Example: I have another show where I cover games over on Itch.io that I call "Scratching The Itch.io".
Thou shalt be credited for the name during the first episode.
This bull had won best in show awards. Groomed daily, perfect stance, it was a great bull.
One day the farmer goes out and sees the bull has gone cross-eyed. This was going to ruin ant chance of future awards, so he called the livestock vet out.
The veterinarian gets there and examines the bull, realizes he's seen this happen before and grabs a narrow metal tube from the back of his truck.
He brings the tube over and jams the tip of it into the bulls hind end and proceeds to blow as hard as he can through the end of it.
The farmer looks at the bulls eyes as the vet is blowing into the bulls backside and says "it's working! I see his eyes straightening right up, keep doing it!"
The vet blows and blows his face and cheeks turning red and finally says, "I'm out of breath I can't do it anymore, his eyes are almost straight you'll have to finish"
The farmer comes over and grabs the tube, pulls it out, turns it around and puts it back in the other way, the vet stops him and says, "What on Earth are you doing?"
The farmer says, "Well I don't want to put my mouth on the same end you did!"
She was busy slicing the watermelon when I mentioned a YouTube video I had seen recently that talks about how you can grill it.
She asked about it and I told her how they basically cooked it like a steak.
"I guess that would make it filet MELON."
Her face got immediately red and she shook her head trying not to laugh.
…when we hit the meat and dairy section he threw both arms out wide, gesturing to the tubed meat, and asked me, "you ever sausage a place?!"
I installed a new router at our home and of course it is only prudent to rename the SSID to something other than the default. I named it "BasicallyASeriesOfTubes".
Which, when I explained it to the family, I showed them an iPad connected to
>The Internet, which is BasicallyASeriesOfTubes.
A Retiree's Last Trip to Sam's Club
Yesterday I was at Sam's Club, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two handfuls every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care,because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
So he was blowing into an inflatable floating tube for the swimming pool. Me: "Maybe someone should punch you while you blow into it." Him: "Why?" Me: "So that you can get the wind knocked out of you" Him: Silent stare.
Son asked how to spell "Chocolate Rain" because he heard he should watch it on YouTube.
Wife is not internet savvy and has never heard of it. I have to explain the meme, write it down so kid can google it.
Couple of minutes later, Wife says "I really thought that googling 'Chocolate Rain' could make for a real shitstorm!"
We were talking about her cat and it went something like this:
Me: Is your cat spayed?
Her: Yep, poor Tubbie (the cat's name) has no uterus.
Me: Really? I thought they would have just tied her tubes instead of giving her a full "Hiss-terectomy"
Her: Groans for days
I am not yet a dad but one day I think I'll be decent at it.
Edit: formatting
Last night, my wife invited her cousin over the house to hang out, as it was her cousins birthday. About an hour after her cousin showed up, my wife was still sitting on the couch watching YouTube videos.
I told her to stop being anti-social.
Without missing a beat she says "That would make you Uncle Social!"
When I was a young kid, I'd say "HI!" to my Dad in the morning, and he'd always respond, " 'lo! "
I didn't get it until I was about 11.
===
he would also keep boxes and cardboard tubes (for mailing/keeping large posters/mailers) in his workroom for all kinds of things. When we were cleaning out the room, we found all these cardboard tubes that said "MT" on them. When we opened them up, there was nothing inside. We should have known he had them properly labeled......"MT" = "empty".
It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.
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