A friend offered to sell me their TV for five bucks but said the volume dial was broken.

I couldn't turn it down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twiglet91
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
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After years of using dial up, I finally upgraded to high speed internet. I didn't realize the internet traffic!

But I was able to e-merge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
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Did you hear about the watchmaker invented a chronometer with 11 different dials on it?

He must have had a lot of time on his hands.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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My uncle drink dialed me the other night and told me he was going on an exclusively almond diet.

I said, "That's just nuts."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boodahbellie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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An old guy was confused and called me with the wrong number, so as a joke I gave him my brother's number. He called my brother, who ingeniously played the joke back and gave him my number. After the old guy dialed me again, my wife asked, "Who called?"

A boomer rang.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrimeMvr
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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I love dialing the phone.

I think it's my calling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mondonodo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2015
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I was trying to call the local drive-thru Taco restaurant today, but I kept dialing the wrong place...

...In retrospect, I should've realized it when the number didn't ring a Bell.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoyoteBible
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2016
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Can I post here if i need help coming up with a pun? I’m a high school teacher and am implementing a β€œphone hotel”. I wanted to name it something clever. Like a name that sounds similar to a real hotel or even name it β€œPhone Hotel” with a clever slogan. Any ideas?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winnieloo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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I was walking by a yard sale the other day

I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew i couldn’t turn that down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MightyOwl121
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Thought you'd appreciate my dadjoke marriage proposal

Back when i got engaged in 2009, my now-wife and i went for a picnic. I had the engagement ring wrapped in tinfoil in the picnic bag.

When we were done eating, i took it out but didn't unwrap it, and then i sneakily dialed her cell number. This was a bit we would do every now and then (call each other in the same room) so it wasn't that unusual.

She picks up the phone and says, "oh hello, why are you calling?"

To which i respond, "Oh i just felt like... [Unwraps tinfoil] Giving you a ring"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2017
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Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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Call that person you really like at 2 in the morning...

You hope they don't answer, you can even hang up after 1 ring.

They text you the next morning 'what's up?'

You text 'Oh, I didn't realize I called you, must have been a butt dial.'

You text 'I guess you didn't answer huh?'

You text 'You must have known.... it was a booty call.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dontinquire
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
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Butt dial

It's very risky when you butt dial somebody and they pick up, because then it's your ass on the line

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sprtoad80
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
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What do you call a reptile that ruins household appliances?

A crack-a-dial.

EDIT: The real joke is how much time and effort was spent thinking this joke up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tasty_Anthrax
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2017
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Dadjoked my dad, overheard him proudly repeating this one to family members...

Someone knocked the dial in the fridge and everything froze, dinner was ruined for the next couple of nights and a lot had to be thrown out, my dad pulled a lettuce out and handed me it, saying: "look at that, it's frozen"

to which my reply was "what do you expect, it's an iceberg"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebenprocter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2016
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Dad joke that almost ended in 911 call.

I came downstairs from taking a shower. Everything was going great ... Until I looked out in the kitchen and saw my dad sprawled out facedown on the floor. I only saw his bottom half, and I was too afraid to look through the doorway and see what the hell happened. I instantly freaked out and started yelling. I don't even remember what I said, but it was something like "What's going on?!?" or "What happened here?!?!" I don't even know what was going on in my head. I thought he passed out or had a heart attack or something. My dog was standing over him staring, looking really confused.

I pulled out my phone and tried to dial my mom, but I was too nervous. Then I realized that was stupid and I should call 911. (Keep in mind I was so panicked/freaked out that I hadn't even seen his face... If he died or something I didn't want to see it. I was terrified.) The whole time I was yelling "What happened??! What's going on?!?!" I dialed the 9, maybe the 1...

And he stands up, laughing. He wanted to see how I would handle the situation. His explanation was he "thought it would be funny to see how I'd act."

I can't unsee it. I honestly thought he collapsed from a heart attack or something. He thought the whole thing was hilarious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saarnath
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2014
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Turned the tables on my Dad!

Dad pocket dialed me while I was at work. This was the conversation afterwards. http://i.imgur.com/5i3mGE9.png

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πŸ‘€︎ u/silenoz_676
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2015
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Just made my first work related dad joke

A coworker of mine is telecommuting today because his daughter has the flue. We have an hour long team meeting today and I figured it'd be a pain for him to call in and sit and listen to a meeting that long while dealing with a sick kid so I let him know he didn't have to dial in but I told him he could if he wanted. Then comes this:

Him: My daughter is asleep at the moment, but I hear her stirring, so I'll probably duck it.

Me: What's she doing cooking if she's that sick?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ebadamageplan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2015
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I was in a car with my friends

We were talking about the topic of phone calls when one of my friends says Friend: I butt dial people all of the time. Me: So technically, you always make booty calls... Rest of the car: groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Justinian9572
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2014
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Conference call at work

When we dial in and enter our conference code, it then says, "after the tone, please say your name, followed by the pound sign." I am always tempted to say, obviously, "your name, followed by the pound sign." It being a professional office and all, I can never bring myself to do it. But in this "dad jokes" forum, I think I found my home. Thanks everyone!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Llis1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2015
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