Why did the meat cutter decide against a career in stand-up comedy?

He was afraid he would butcher all the jokes.

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👤︎ u/Joesdad65
📅︎ Apr 19 2021
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My pizza cutter broke the other day so I used an old Bryan Adams CD

Cuts like a knife!

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👤︎ u/338geek
📅︎ Oct 15 2020
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What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented?

Lil Caesars

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👤︎ u/notdadbot
📅︎ Nov 17 2019
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Did you hear about the new and improved Cricut vinyl cutter?

It was developed using cutting edge technology.

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📅︎ Jun 13 2018
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What ever happened to the man who failed as both a stone cutter and bounty hunter?

He could never find his quarry.

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👤︎ u/kbdekker
📅︎ Sep 03 2016
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At Joanne's with wife waiting in line at the fabric cutters

My wife starts getting her fabric cut and I tell her to watch out not to cut in line. I calmly say to her, "Everyone knows how these fabric people get. They would have us by the seam of our pants."

The best part: there is a lady who said, "do you have kids because that sounds like something a dad would say"

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👤︎ u/josephgene
📅︎ Nov 13 2013
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Two men go to a job fair seeking employment [long]

They scan the room and approach the table of an available recruitment officer. "Hello gentlemen, please have a seat and we can begin." The two men sit in the chairs and pull up to the table. "Now," says the recruitment officer, "hopefully we can find employment for both of you based on your prior work experience. We have a wide variety of jobs available. I'll ask you some questions and we can go from there." The two men nod eagerly in agreement. The officer turns to the first man. "Can you tell me what you did for work before today?" "I'm a pilot," the man replies. "Oh, that's great," the officer exclaims, "I already know that we are definitely looking for pilots!" He takes some notes and turns to the second man. "And can you tell me what you did for work before today?" "I'm a wood cutter," the man says in reply. "Oh, dear," the officer says, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, but we have don't have any positions like that. I'm afraid we can place your friend, but not you." "That's impossible!" the man sputters in disbelief. "I'm sorry, sir. There's nothing I can do." says the officer. "We aren't currently looking for any wood cutters." "But that's insane!" the man shouts in frustration. "If I don't cut the wood, how is he supposed to pile it?"

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📅︎ Aug 25 2019
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OmG HaAHa DaD YoU'RE So FuNnY!

What did the pumpkin shaped cookie who was cut with a pumpkin shaped cookie cutter say at the Christmas party?

I wasn't cut out for this.

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📅︎ Jul 09 2019
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I'm a street performer at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival. I tell punny jokes there, thought you'd enjoy them.

The King is in love with the Spanish Armada, in fact you could say he warships it.

I got into a fight with a group of jesters, I escaped by going for the juggler.

I recently read "Gulliver's Travels" it was a Swift read.

Have you read the book about traveling through hell? It's a Dante-ing read.

Q: How many animals can you fight into the Lord High Sheriff's tights? A: Ten piggies, two calves, a rooster and an ass.

Vikings raided the royal cheese supply, they left nothing behind but de Brie.

I met a wizard, I told him he looked like a mana action.

The unskilled mason forget to put a water supply in the new castle. He did not keep well.

The angry archer was so surly he had everyone convinced he was a cross bowman.

The failed stone cutter also lost his job as a bounty hunter. He could never find his quarry.

The nun kept spilling sacramental wine on herself. She made a bad habit of it.

The pope enjoys chocolate on his boat. He like sailing indulgences.

The pope loves summer, they say he is infallible.

Two fae fell in love. They keep fauning over each other.

The knight suffered from boils, he had to get them lanced.

Why did the wood nymph use some much lotion? Because she had dryad skin.

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👤︎ u/kbdekker
📅︎ Sep 09 2016
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A dad got dad-joked by his own daughter

Took the kids to a bug museum this weekend and was walking behind this other dad and his kids for a good bit of the time. When we get to the leaf cutter ant exhibit, my three year old loudly says something to the effect, "Look at all those ants!". The dad turns around and says, smugly, "How do you know they aren't uncles?" My kids groan, his kids groan, all in a dad's work, right? Then his daughter, who was probably 8 or 9, pipes up, "Well, Dad, since they're all female, it's safe to say that are, in fact, aunts!"

Her timing was impeccable. She's going places.

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📅︎ Dec 16 2014
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What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented?

Lil Caesars

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👤︎ u/notdadbot
📅︎ Nov 15 2019
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What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented?

Lil Caesars

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👤︎ u/notdadbot
📅︎ Oct 30 2019
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What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented?

Lil Caesars

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👤︎ u/notdadbot
📅︎ Nov 01 2019
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