The Automatic Puns

It scared the shit out of me

DO NOT carry them in your back pocket.

My aunt recently had a baby, and she was telling us about the experience the other day at a family get-together. How beautiful her little girl is, how amazing the experience was, yadda yadda. Then she told us about my uncle's reaction, which she was less than thrilled about.

When my uncle saw his daughter for the first time after my aunt had just labored for hours, he said:

"Damn, it's 2013, you'd think they'd have started making these things cordless by now."

Bro: A bike's the only thing you can drive without a license.

Dad: That's not true. What about a hard bargain?

Am I the only one who drives an automatic?

Just witnessed the greatest dad joke of all time. This woman was about to leave the grocery store with a full cart. All of a sudden this older man runs over and says “let me open the door for you”. He walks in front of the automatic door, waves his hand to open it and proudly walks away as it opens automatically. He is my role model in life.

They automatically stair when I enter the room.

Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.

His other crab people used to be away from him. Due to this sound.

Once he was captured by a predator and was bumped on a rock and got loose from the predators grip and ran away.

After the bump his ta-ta-ta-ta sound went away automatically.

Since that incident, he got friends and a new name- Santa Claus.

It was at this point that the Slap-A-Twat Automatic 3000 came into its own!

Hello everyone! I am part of a team project from the Computational Linguistics department in Saarland University. We made an automatic pun generator and we want to test our system. The following questionnaire will ask you to rate punchlines. It's short and we hope you can get a giggle out of it. Thanks for your help (and please delete it if it goes against the subreddit rules).

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdTRNrncAZTemkojUBZytgevxXx5FJ5qh0kquZiirlaGioNPA/viewform

A panda goes into a restaurant and orders some bamboo for dinner. After he is done he asks the waiter for the bill.

As the waiter approaches he pulls out a semi-automatic and starts opening fire.

The scared and confused waiter asks him why is he doing all this.

The Panda just hands him a dictionary with a bookmark pointing to panda.

Panda: Eats shoots and leaves

I think the earlier challenges in comprehensive diagnosis came from the difficulty in getting results from patients. BMI is so easy it's automatic.

Meanwhile, getting body fat percentage required calipers or an intensive water displacement test. The distribution of body fat is never concrete; when does back fat stop and butt fat begin? Then, negative physiological effects of these two is the third indicator. Those need a host of diagnoses.

We are moving to a time when getting those figures has never been easier and thus could have never before been done on a large scale.

Okay so I get off at 4:00 and I didn't waste any time leaving the office. Shut down my computer, grabbed my keys, and I was on the road by 4:05. It had been a pretty crazy day and I was ready to get home.

As I'm driving home I notice I'm running on Empty. I probably could have made it home but I was really craving a Coca Cola so I decide to stop at the nearest gas station.

Anyways I'm filling my tank I see an old lady a few gas pumps away putting gas in her old beat up station wagon but didn't really think anything of it and just continued to enjoy my icey cold Coca Cola.

Next thing I know I see this old lady holding the gas pump nozzle spewing gas everywhere. I guess she had taken the nozzle out of the vehicle w out disengaging the automatic trigger or whatever but it went EVERYWHERE. Her car, her arms, the ground, all over the place and by the time she got that thing to stop spraying there was at least a gallon of gas everywhere.

So I immediately run over to see if she's okay and she smells like straight up gas. I gave her napkins to dry off her hands and to clean what gas was spilled on the car. She said she was okay and thanked me for my help so I leave and head home.

So now I'm a few blocks from home, driving over the last hill right before my next turn and all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere, she comes flyin past me in that same old beat up station wagon with, I shit you not, her arm CAUGHT ON FIRE. And as if that's not bad enough there are two cops right behind her in hot pursuit. So while I'm freaking out trying to pull over to the side she zooms past so fast I barely catch a glimpse of her frantically flailing her arm out the window as they all go over the hill.

At that point couldn't believe what I was seeing it was just too crazy. So I quickly get back on the road and make my way over the hill and I spot her. She's pulled over in the emergency lane. I see the same old lady being handcuffed and put in the back of the squad car.

Yeah turns out she was arrested for waiving a fire arm in public.

¯_(ツ)_/¯

My dad and I went galling this morming, and a flock of birds was sitting on the fairway of the third hole as we got to the tee box. I asked him how many strokes we would get off our score if we hit a bird.

As he stepped up to address the ball, he said calmly "It's an automatic birdie."

After filling the washing machine (which was recently purchased), my wife asked me if the load was even.

Me: Doesn't this have an automatic load-evener? Her: I don't think so. Me, grinning like an idiot: So what you're saying is, this washing machine literally can't even?

Make an entire comment chain of puns somehow relating to what's on your right. The person who replies automatically joins your game. They must reply with a pun that is related to the same thing. Whoever makes the most puns is the winner. They must be real puns, not just sentences that you say are puns. C'mon, reddit. You can do this. You're like, the website for puns. If I get enough puns, I will draw the pun of the first person to post a pun here (ex. if the first person says, "Well now I'm drawing a blanket," I would draw someone drawing a blanket.) Have fun brahs!

while holding a block of cheddar like a camera

Hey mom! Say cheese!

She then flashed her silly grin

^^^^This ^^^^is ^^^^a ^^^^bot ^^^^that ^^^^automatically ^^^^reposts ^^^^old ^^^^content. ^^^^If ^^^^you ^^^^are ^^^^the ^^^^op ^^^^and ^^^^want ^^^^this ^^^^removed ^^^^comment ^^^^"remove ^^^^this"

So I was driving my car, an automatic, and I noticed that there's a position on the gearshift labeled "S". I'm not a huge car person and had never really payed attention to it before, so I asked my dad what the S gear does.

Dad: Well, the S stands for snail! The cars of drivers who use the snail gear really well in races are called S-cars. When people on the sidelines see these drivers race, they say "look at that S-Car-go!"

First and foremost, I've decided to add a rule 7. Please, for the love of God, have the slightest bit of creativity and do not put the punchline of the joke in the title. The reasoning being as follows.

Most importantly, putting the punchline in the title ruins the joke, unless it is a one liner!
*
Secondarily, this is a puns subreddit dedicated to wordplay, if you lack the creativity to restate something in a humorous way rather than regurgitating the punchline as the header, perhaps this isn't the subreddit for you...

#Secondarily,

I've made a few minor spam filter tweaks. Your post will be caught in the spam filter if:

1. Your account has less than +3 combined comment and link karma.
2. Your account is less than 7 days old.

What will happen if your post is filtered is it will automatically go into the spam queue, and I'll try to have it unfiltered in the span of a couple of minutes/hours, but sometimes I do sleep so sadly it may take longer.

My post isn't appearing! How do I fix it?

If your post is not appearing and it has not violated any of the rules, feel free to drop us a mod message and I'll get a mobile notification within 30 minutes or so of the post removal, putting it on the fast track to being restored.

My dad (57) and I (17) were washing our hands after taking care of business in the public restroom of our local grocery store. The sinks were automatic, the kind you don't have to touch. After wetting my hands and getting some soap, my sink shut off and his kept running. I could not get mine to turn back on as he rinsed his mitts. As I struggle to get it back on by waving my hands my dad grabs some paper towel and looks at me with the most serious expression and he says "Ever feel like you're... Invisible?" Then giggles like a schoolgirl out the door.

In this society, companies and businesses are not legally allowed to give themselves a name. Instead, companies are ID's alphanumerically. The first businesses were Corporation A, Company B, Business C, ... Organization Z, Company A1, etc.

The world's current largest corporation is Company B. They're particularly known for their robotics manufacturing. One day, Company B had just finished the design for two new robots. One that would automatically play blues songs on a record player at the press of a button. (What we know today as a jukebox) The other was a companion robot for lonely people, modeled after a beagle.

Unfortunately, when the final version of these robots were being manufactured for a worldwide release, there was an error in the automated assembly line. This error caused the two robots to be built simultaneously, creating a single robot.

The resulting product came to be known as the Boogie Woogie Beagle Bot of Company B.

We get to the front doors and he says, "Let me get the door for you." He just steps on the pad to open the automatic doors.

So we were in the bathroom, and we were using the automatic hand dryers. They were pretty cheap ones - Me: These dryers suck! Dad: Actually they blow...

I was just out to dinner with my dad, and somehow the topic of malaria came up. My dad asks, "Do you guys know where the word malaria comes from?" He likes to quiz us on trivia, and this is a question he's asked us lots of times, so my brother and I automatically answer, "Yes, it means bad air." To which, he responds "So, could you get malaria in Buenos Aires?" God fucking dammit, Dad.

And he came across 4x11 to which I automatically reply 44. He then rebuffs with, "No, four times two."

"Two? Where'd you get two?"

"There." He points at the two 1s. "See? One...two."

I groan. "Apá, it's not mixed with Roman Numerals."