My dad constantly tells me I'll never amount to anything because I always procrastinate.
I'll show him. Just you wait.
Edit: Goodness, that blew up. My first awards, too!
I want to send out individual replies to thank everyone who gave me an award. I might do it later.
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
Dad, can you tell me the fastest way to the ocean?
Boss: Tell me about suzanne Me: *takes a drag of cigarette* ah, the one that got away
Boss: You're a zoo keeper, none of them should get away
Someone tried to tell me a rabbit joke
I told them I don't carrot all for rabbit jokes
My wife tells me I have 2 major faults,
I don't listen - and something else.
Dune tell me you don't like this pun
Everyone tells me that I'm the king of dad jokes. Here's one...
A Man in a hotel has trouble finding his room, goes down to the front desk and asks ' Excuse me, can you tell me what room I'm in please ? '
Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.
I have been asking around what the lowest rank in the Army is, but no one would tell me.
Apparently it is private.
son: dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?
Did I tell you guys about the side-hustle plan I came up with? I’m going to do personal training for the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
Tell me mommy, at first did you want a boy or a girl?
At first I just wanted to take a shower
Let me tell you a little about myself.
It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'
My friend told me he once met a lady with twelve breasts. "Sounds strange," I had to tell him....
Cheap Phineas and Ferb pun; I know it sucks you don't need to tell me
Why couldn't Doofenshmirtz do his fractions?
Because Perry got rid of the denom-inator
My wife tells me not to listen to the voices that bring me down and make me feel worthless.
She also complains that I never listen to her.
My mate tried to tell me Mufasa was a Hyena...
My smartwatch can't tell me if I have a virus.
But it does tell me if I have ran somewhere.
Can an Admin tell me why my post was removed? It was very inconvenient... My whole fence fell down
Me: “Oh, I wish I’d listened to my mother” Friend: “Why? What’d she tell you?”
Me: “I don’t know, I wasn’t listening”
I never remember what people tell me at New Year's parties
It goes in one year and out the other.
Let me tell you a joke about a vacuum
Me when people tell me I make too many puns
Me: Can you tell me what ‘pourquoi‘ means? Wife: ‚why‘
Me: because I really want to know
Let me tell you kids how I built this house from the ground up..
Kids: Not again Grandpa, we've heard that story a million times! Don't you have any others to tell us?!
Grandpa:
This is a one-story house.
Credit:
https://inkyrickshaw.com/comic/not-very-tall-tale/
My son and I were waiting at a train crossing. He tells me "that train looks bigger than I remember"
So I say, "It's been training"
"All you're doing is listening to what I say to tell me I'm wrong!"
Can an administrator tell me why my post was taken down?
Because my fence has fallen down.
Let me tell you what I know about dwarves
My employer asked me to tell a bit about myself
Can anyone tell me the Japanese word for "good"
I dont know it, but I thought umaido
When people tell me I'm good at the theremin, I have to give credit to my wife.
She also likes it when I don't touch her.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Told my dad I was cold, his response was to tell me to stand in the corner
So proud of my daughter, who ran upstairs to tell me our downstairs toilet was smoking.
She seemed really, really scared. When I told her I couldn’t smell smoke, she showed me this picture: https://imgur.com/gallery/RbplooY, giggling like crazy.
Chip off the old block she is!
Edit: thank you so much for my first ever award!!!
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Every time I ask my son what a new phrase means, he tells me to google it.
Kids these days have a lot of slang for a killer clown movie.
While sailing across the ocean, the night watchman saw a dark shape in the distance. He called the First Mate, who also couldn't tell what it was. So he called the Captain. "I can't tell either," he said. "Fetch me an obstetrician."
The obstetrician came to the bridge, squinted into the night and said:
"Congratulations, Captain. It's a buoy!"
Sauces tell me that you mayo die of laughter at this pun
My Dad: Can you tell me a sensible sentence that uses the word 'because', three times, consecutively?
Me: Not today, Dad.
My Dad: Give up. Let me tell you in his glorious beaming pride face
I use because, because, because is a conjunction.
Boy : "Dad, could you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
Boy: “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
Dad, hey can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?
"Dad, can you tell me what solar eclipse is?"
Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?
"Hey Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
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