Table Apple Puns

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
17. Always go straight home after work or school
18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.

There is 1 green apple and 1 red apple on a table. How many of them are green?

All of them, except the red one.

We were at the table eating dinner when I glanced at the advertisements for grocery stores. I read the ad wrong and said:

Me: I read that wrong, its gala or pink lady apples, not Lady Gaga apples.

Wife: I dont know about Lady Gaga apples, but I know about Lady Gaga tomatoes.

Me: What?

Wife: Ro-ma, ro-ma-ma.

So tonight at the dinner table my mother wanted to explain how she made the salad.

So she begins with: "first i chopped some salat just to begin the salat, and I added some apple and lime to give it some bitterness. I also chopped some hazelnuts to give the salat umami" (to those who don't know what umami is: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Umami)

Then my dad interrupted and said: "If I had made that salat, i would have used walnuts instead. I prefer the taste og upapi.

The he laughed in a way, only a dad can do.

So today at lunch, I'm sitting with all my friends talking and what not. One of my other friends comes up to the table with 2 apples, one friend notices and asks for the second apple.

Friend with apples: No, you can't have it

Friend 1: Why not?

Me: Because its Adams...

Looks of confusion insure around the table.

Me: It's Adams apple!

Entire group: Groans