Before the clock strikes midnight on december 31st be sure to lift your left leg
That way you will start off the new year on the right foot
π︎ 203
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︎ Dec 29 2020
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent
π︎ 11k
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Hereβs a little early access to a pun I made. Iβm not sure if this joke has been said before but I hope not. I love making up puns
π︎ 50
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︎ Dec 16 2020
Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other βDang, I left my electrons in the car.β The other replies, βAre you sure?β
βYa, Iβm positive.β
π︎ 180
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︎ Nov 28 2020
My mother is much smaller than me. I'm not sure how tall she is...
...But I know she's the minimum height.
π︎ 8
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︎ Dec 23 2020
Saw this on r/unexpected, thought it was funny so here we are :) Iβll be sure to add the link to the OG post in the comments incase you wanna see it
π︎ 9
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︎ Dec 22 2020
If i could, Iβd make sure everyone had a dolphin.
Because everybody needs a porpoise to their life
π︎ 11
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︎ Dec 19 2020
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure theyβre the same..."
"Then youβll have a match."
π︎ 18
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︎ Jan 06 2021
I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, βCan you describe the symptoms?β I replied, "Sure..."
βTheyβre yellow, Homerβs fat, and Marge has blue hair.β
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︎ Jul 01 2020
Aro sure he can see where heβs going?
π︎ 38
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︎ Nov 23 2020
Sure, you are welcome !
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 12 2020
I sure got a kick out of seeing the comedian perform.
I would have preferred a handshake, though.
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 27 2020
With the holidays near, to set a festive atmosphere at your table, be sure you have a shiny chrome plate to hold your condiment sauce. Why?
Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
π︎ 39
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︎ Nov 18 2020
I am sure you've heard of Murphy's Law, but have you heard of Cole's Law?
It is thinnly sliced cabbage.
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 21 2020
If Hermes was the messenger god, the he sure was lucky not to have met the god of pain and old age...
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 24 2020
I'm not sure why pirates are so interested in this...
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 09 2020
My kid wasn't sure if he wanted eggnog or not.
You might say he's eggnostic.
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 21 2020
An atom called the cops to report he had an electron stolen. The cop asked, "Are you sure?"
And the atom replied, "I'm positive!"
π︎ 54
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︎ Oct 28 2020
I'm thinking about buying a new mattress, but I'm not sure.
I think I'll sleep on it.
π︎ 54
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︎ Nov 21 2020
Not sure how my wife views my hunterβs outfit.
Says she canβt see me in camouflage.
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 25 2020
Dwayne Johnson is a really nice guy, so he always makes sure he's as close to the wall as possible...
He hates putting anyone between The Rock and a hard place.
π︎ 21
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︎ Nov 06 2020
Those Duke boys sure do like to jump their car over things...
... General Lee speaking.
π︎ 19
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︎ Nov 13 2020
I was so sure my new hire was Spider-Man
Because his resume said he was a web designer.
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 06 2020
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It's literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I'm sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill?
Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant... dead ant dead ant....
π︎ 7k
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︎ May 30 2020
Did you hear about the queen who wasnβt sure how long she had ruled for?
π︎ 7
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︎ Nov 29 2020
Found it on facebook. Nor sure if it was posted here before
π︎ 49
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︎ Oct 01 2020
An electrician asks if I could hand him his step ladder. I said sure no problem.
He said βThanks! I never knew my real ladder.β
π︎ 11
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︎ Nov 22 2020
I used to be so confused about everything but now I'm not sure.
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 11 2020
My dad went to the store to buy milk, i said βsure, old manβ and he said βim not good at comebacksβ
π︎ 11
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︎ Nov 20 2020
I don't know what decisions the Supreme Court will make in 2021 but one thing is for sure...
π︎ 61
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︎ Sep 22 2020
You know, I'm sure wherever my Dad is right now, he's looking down on me..
He's not dead by the way, just very condescending.
π︎ 11
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︎ Oct 29 2020
Dad, are you sure this is the way to London?
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 01 2020
Not sure if I should be proud of this
π︎ 47
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︎ Sep 14 2020
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not
I go back and forth on them
π︎ 71
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︎ Oct 05 2020
after the dam failed, the engineer thought he'd lost his job for sure
but at the performance review he was consoled by his boss, "it's all just water under the bridge"
π︎ 9
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︎ Nov 06 2020
Joe sure is patient when it comes to waiting for the results of the election
All I hear is Joe Biden his time till the results are finalized!
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 05 2020
As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.
π︎ 227
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︎ Aug 23 2020
I went for an interview. They said, βCan you perform under pressure?β
I said βIβm not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsodyβ
π︎ 733
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︎ Nov 17 2020
My Doctor told me that I may have a curvature of my upper back but he was not so sure.
π︎ 7
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︎ Nov 12 2020
They sure do know how to promote lol
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 17 2020
would provide energy for sure
π︎ 125
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︎ Aug 14 2020
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well!
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 05 2021
They sure do know how to promote lol
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 17 2020
My therapist told me Iβm too indecisive
but really Iβm just not so sure.
π︎ 13
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︎ Jan 03 2021
Whenever my son has to make a picture for homework, I always make sure he signs his name last
Because Andrew is a lot shorter than Andrawing
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 06 2020
Iβd first like to make sure this thing is working. If your name is Michael, please stand up.
That concludes the mike check
π︎ 4
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︎ Nov 05 2020
I'm pretty sure the milk I drank was expired.
π︎ 12
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︎ Oct 02 2020
Make sure that your left leg is up before the clock hits midnight tomorrow.
That way you start 2021 on the right foot.
π︎ 37
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︎ Dec 30 2020
Before the clock strikes midnight on December 31st be sure to lift your left leg.
That way you will start the new year off on the right foot.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
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