Me and my son want everything shaken, not stirred.

Yep. We are bonding.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
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Shaken, not stirred...
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/obi-1_cannoli
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
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Shaken, not stirred. Pressed, not ironed. imgur.com/Tq2MdjH
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stickydatepudding
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2013
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What do you call an alligator that always tries to stir up trouble

An Instigator

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsKnotThatBad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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The teacher caught me stirring up trouble in chemistry class...

...so she sent me home with a colloidal suspension.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uptwolait
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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The local police station has had its toilet stolen

Officers have nothing to go on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lenzar86
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?

"It was a wok in the park."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ragna_Blade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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There was no fork to stir my eggs, and though my wife asked me not to use it for this purpose

It was a whisk I had to take

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyeyedmcgee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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My family has been getting stir crazy. So we decided to take our son to the local zoo. Problem is, it’s a small zoo. They only have one animal. It’s a dog.

It’s a real Shih Tzu.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reepicheep08
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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What do you call James Bond taking a bath?

Bubble 07

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goongoof
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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My wife got mad when she found me cooking stir fry on our dog.

I don't know why she got mad. She told me to take him for a wok.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Danielaurence
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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I made a cabbage, carrot and corn stir-fry tonight! The recipe called for tilipia, but I put in pork. I realize now that I should have put in chicken, though...

...it's supposed to be a C-food stir-fry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmcduff
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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I stole a mixer from the kitchen in work today

It was a whisk i was willing to take

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jmf95-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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Every Friday for dinner, I make everything deep fried

I call it Deep Fry-day

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Baby-Penewine
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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What do you call a zombie who stir fries?

Dead Man Wokking

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wallagm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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Why does a chef not cook stir fry for his family ?

He doesn't like bringing his wok home.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BuddhaBlessThou
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
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I like stirring my coffee while it's very hot.

Does that make me a hip stirrer?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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What happened to Betty Crocker?

She went stir crazy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Couldbeurmom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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I asked my chef friend how hard it would be to make a stir-fry in a meadow?

He said it was just a wok in the park

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πŸ‘€︎ u/davidrobertson344
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
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Just finished watching a documentary on how Kool-Aid was made

It was stirring

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πŸ‘€︎ u/martianrome
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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The True Meaning of Pansexuality
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VinceFearsAEW6440
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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I don't mean to stir the pot, but...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/otfjokes
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
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Why did James Bond keep his library book?

Because it was Due Another Day

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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What does Daniel Craig and Sean Connery do in a bar?

Bond. They Bond.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Meriloinen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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I rented out a room to two beautiful Chinese Women..

They never complain, they keep to themselves and they always pay their rent on time. The only weird thing is they insist on paying me in stir-fry. But all in all, I guess they're pretty lo mein tenants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schnauss
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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I just found out how to burn 2000 calories

I left my brownies in the oven too long

πŸ‘︎ 424
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mafiaworks_08
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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What do you say when you see Bob Marley cooking?

What Jamaican?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zZREQUIEMZz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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My dad made his first dad joke in a long time

For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max

During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said β€œwell then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.”

I reply, β€œwell what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens.

And without hesitation my dad replies, β€œwell he can’t lay eggs”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asian_dodo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
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Added a rainbow to my dinner stir fry... I'm trying to eat light.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smei2388
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
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Have you ever wondered why it’s better to shake paint instead of stirring?

Because this way, it will bond better

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marcuccione
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2018
🚨︎ report
This must be the soupervisor
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Real life dad joke. Yesterday I was cooking a stir fry and added some diced carrots β€˜for carrot-ness’, I said.

My daughter who was helping, added some peas, β€˜for pea-ness’ she said. Then fled laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
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Came out backwords / at a loss for words / just one big bowl of soup / proper punctuation: the colon / man,ure on a roll / just stirring the pot / poo-lease stop / can't. IOU potty humor / Y you say that? / It's fun, butt OK - mind my P's and Q's - I'll put lid on it
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πŸ‘€︎ u/barwhack
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2017
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My asian friend is pretty popular among his profession of being a chef.

He's a wokstar

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/U4gotmycheese
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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Police Officer: β€œHow high are you?”

Dad: β€œNo officer, it’s β€˜Hi, how are you?’”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tony-1610
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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Did you hear about the depressed stir-fry?

It hit wok-bottom.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliverRereads
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2018
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How do you make trash soup?

It's easy!

Dump, stir.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/magicoddeffect
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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I didn't even know what it was called.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_vasiliss
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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What did the judge say to the physician cooking multiple dishes at a stir-fry competition when time ran out?

Woks up, doc

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hello_Kitty07
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2017
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Whatever you do, don't take a, s, r, d and add them to i, r, s, t, and e, and then stir...

That's a recipe for disaster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardFM
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2016
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Making stir fry with my girlfriend

She says: "We need to have a wok at some point".

I responded: "But it's so cold, can't we just drive?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/capitanogoodhue
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2016
🚨︎ report
I created a dance called the "hip stir."

You've probably never heard of it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OleDetour
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2017
🚨︎ report
A woman asks her husband in the morning regarding breakfast.......

"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It must be the Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says: ""Can you now stop and get off me? I'm bloody starving!!".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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I just finished watching James Bond

I was shaken, but not stirred.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justcaleb2001
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
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When I graduated culinary school my parents gave me a gold-plated spoon.

It was a stirring tribute.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emjay144
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm not sure whether to do a stir fry this evening or defrost some fish.

I suppose you could say I'm stuck between a wok and a hard plaice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/starlinguk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2015
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After cooking a stir fry for the first time tonight

"I don't think the stir-fry was a wokking success. I just couldn't get my noodle around it"

Nothing but silence so far..

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2014
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