He was all bark and no bite
Now, I have back issues.
I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction...
I guess I was the pile driver
My next poop could spell disaster.
I've got a stack of them. The first ones on the house.
Cheap, stacked and knotty
I ate an entire deck of carbs!
I Got stacks of em! First one's on the house
But Iβm just grasping at straws here.
One happened to put the letter T into a toy stacking cup I was holding. I tried to give it to him but he didn't want it.
So I turned to my other son and said, "Hmm, guess it's not his cup of T".
Neither 3yo got it so I had to tell someone.
He only had his shelf to blame
I have back issues.
Groanhenge
In fact, you could even say it was a blockbuster
A meowtain.
F
F
U
T
S
S
I
H
T
You couldn't make this stuff up.
A tripod.
She gave them back with a puzzled look. I informed her we just exchanged words.
Me: Dad, do you need these?
Dad (with a shit-eating grin): YES! In fact, I was going to put them in the bank. Then it would be a pole vault!
Bonus rebuttal! My husband (not a dad): Look, do you want us to help you or not?
I took my piggy bank to the five and dime store and they told me they didn't take any thing under a dollar...
A policy like that just makes no cents...
One was broken I said "that's a pane" many groans were exchanged
You can say it's on the house.
I work security at a large lab. We have a safety rating of green/yellow/red that we need to ask incoming workers. This occurred today when my co-worker greeted an incoming employee.
Co-worker: βHello. What kind of work are you doing today? Green, yellow, or red work?β
Employee: βIβm just going to my office to water my plants.β
Me: βThatβs definitely green work.β
Co-worker: βDid you have to?β
Me: βSorry. That joke was low hanging fruit.β
Co-worker: βReally?β
Me: βGuess Iβm stacking them up like cord wood today.β
He took a bite, smirked and said, "This bacon is great Sarah. It's hard to believe it's sodium free!"
My wife looked at me with a quizzical look on her face and responded, "Ummm... Bruce...this isn't sodium free bacon."
"I know!" My dad exclaimed. "That's why it's so hard to believe!"
As loud as possible: "HEY!"
"Just one would have been fine!"
Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Dad'.
With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:
"Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad.
She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
Nothing like playing blackjack with Jack Black over a stack of flapjacks
But there were some baby goats there using alchemy to paper money into coins near the exit. As I rushed out the door, I tripped over some of their stacks of coins, which knocked me out til the police showed up.
I was so close! And, honestly, I would have gotten away with it too... if it weren't for those metaling kids.
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, βRead all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!β
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, βThereβs nothing in here about fifty people being swindled.β
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, βRead all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!β
Want to hear a chimney joke?
I got stacks of them, first one's on the house
A deck of carbs!
First one's on the house
Got stacks of em! First one's on the house
Got stacks of em! First one's on the house
Got stacks of em! First one's on the house
Got stacks of em! First one's on the house
