A wun
I told him to Mufasa
knot today my friend
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
him: ugh I wish you could squirt
me: wtf I don’t call out all your flaws so don’t call out my short cummings
You mix up two letters and your whole joke is urined.
Sadly even that was to Edge-y for me!
It was quite the shindig
-Could you describe the symptoms?
-Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy
A constellation prize
"Nude Colony Ahead, Keep Your Eyes on the Road!"
It was a slow death but a beautiful finish.
Heard this one on Whose Line last night. Credit to Ryan Stiles.
Because they can't get their escargot.
Because they can't even.
I have no idea what they're talking about.
It took him 84 years.
I hope his speech therapy works
I just tell her I hadn't noticed a vas deferens
Especially if you take them when you are driving.
Mu-fasta.
I quickly replied, if it happens, you can say Hosta la vista, baby.
That got me a round of slow clapping from the whole family.
[cue confused looks]
"Because, today is a draggin'!" (dragon)
[cue "I hate you" looks and/or painful eye-roll]
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
IF YOU SMMMEELLLLLLLL... WHAT THE CROCK... is cooking.
My worst fears confirmed. I have Novid-19!
Unless you’re prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
He’s a pickup artist.
...I must determine if I’m Russian or Stalin.
Pickup the pace.
They go back and forth for a while, neither convincing the other that they are right. Finally they decide on a place to eat. When they get to the restaurant, one of the friends asks the person taking their order to settle it once and for all. "Me and my friend are having a debate and hopefully since you live here, you can set my friend straight. Would you please tell us... and say it clear and slow for my friend here... where are we?"
The person behind the counter gets a puzzled look on his face, then says
>!"Buuuuuurrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiiiiinnnnggg"!<
I mean, it was the 7th of April months ago...
They keep saying, SLOW THE SPREAD!
Engineers
At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.
One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.
The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.
The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.
In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.
A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.
The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.
After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.
The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."
My boy, Arthur, is slow. He is the slowest child I’ve ever met. And I don’t mean mentally, he just doesn’t move quickly at all no matter what the urgency.
He takes an hour to get out of bed and stand up in the morning. He takes an hour to eat. When we go anywhere we have to tell him 20 minutes in advance because he takes that long to get his shoes on. His showers…we had to install an industrial sized water heater and hook it up to his shower exclusively because he would drain the tank and shower in ice cold water and started getting sick from it.
The worst part is that even if you help him out he doesn’t go faster. We can feed him and he’ll just swallow slower. We can wash him and he’ll just sit there for longer.
I’ve learned to live with it and be content because I know he won’t change. But my wife can’t take it. Just the other day she told me she was going to punish him to make him go quicker:
“I’ve had it with him! I’m going to start giving him timeouts and taking away toys for going so slow!”
“Honey,” I said, “it’ll never work.”
“Why not?!”
“Because you can’t rush Art.”
Because the staff was short handed.
They must’ve been off their Chick-fil- “A-game”
Because he had no body to go with.
It was the alpaca-lips.
This day is like a medieval movie... it’s really dragon. 🐉🐲
Tell him to mufasa
slaps knee
Because the are making a beeping noise - beep! beep! beep! because they are are backing up.
I replied, “he ransomware.”
I'm lag-tose intolerant
It’s still fowl language.
'Cause everybody in history has passed him.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Because his family was in a jam
which was my 40th birthday. The BIG Four Oh! As in "Oh, you're 40 and not married? What's wrong with you?"
And my friends, as awesome as they are, kept setting me up on blind dates, but I never seemed to click with any of the women. Pretty women, short women, tall women, rough women, successful women, lazy women - I dated them all and more often than not, they just weren't interested in me.
I think I probably went on twenty or so dates that never resulted in a a single follow up date.
But two months before my birthday, I started dating two women and both fledgling relationships seemed like they were going somewhere as they were getting really, really serious. I couldn't choose one, but I didn't care. I just couldn't believe they were into me. Okay, maybe they weren't the best looking, but I was so desperate for a wife, and I'm definitely no prize myself.
With a few weeks to go before my birthday, I knew I had to act if I had any hope of being married. I bought two rings and proposed to them both (on separate nights, of course) and they both said no. In fact, though they never knew of each other, I went from two good things to both of them not returning my calls. I guess proposing in a mall food court (for Jenny) or down on my knees in front of the bathroom at a minor league baseball game (Susan) were not my best laid plans, doomed to fail. Or maybe I just reeked of desperation.
So the morning of my birthday, I was practically in tears, deep in depression as I knew I missed my deadline. But my friends came though, kind of. They took me out bar hopping and then we all went back to my place where they had a stripper waiting in my favorite chair. She got up, sat me down, and gave me a grinding lap dance. She said nothing, but after a minute, stopped, turned around, looked me in the eye and said "one." Then she started up again, stopped after a minute, turned around and said "two..."
This went on all night until she got to "forty."
It's been a few months now, and I'm not too sad. My friends really tried to get me married, and after two near mrs, I guess it was the thot that counts.
I told him I was being counterproductive
but they really turned it around with the 360.
Snail slides into a Tesla dealership after seeing Elon Musk on TV. Inches his way up to a salesperson. Snail asks to go on a test drive, the sales person shrugs, says sure, why not. It's been a slow day.
After it's over, snail is impressed. "I gotta get one of these!
Saleswoman asks if he can afford it. He is, after all, a snail. Snail retreats into his shell comes out with a wad of cash, the exact amount for the car.
"Yeah lady, I can pay! Can I get it customized?"
The woman says of course, but it'll cost more. Snail whips out more dough.
Snail says "Paint it with pink S's all over the vehicle!"
The saleswoman says sure and asks why.
The snail says "When I'm driving around, I want people to say 'WOW! Look at that fast, pink electric S-car go!'"
Oh boy she really snailed it.
I don’t want to go nuts right away.
Not all heroes, where crepes?
...no rushin’
No sun.
...but the lemon juice in it wreaks havoc on my dentures. My dentist said he has just the thing: Dentures made of chrome. Because there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
It hasn't come out yet
So I told him to Mufasa.
