I have a coworker who at the end of the day everyday slowly reads off Dad jokes, mostly from here because theres new ones so often and because he knows it drives me crazy. I blame this place for that.
A ferrous wheel.
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
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No worries Steve, this will work out just fine. It’s an easy procedure.
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But doctor, I’m not Steve!!
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I know, I am Steve.
A cannibble
Who's thinking out of box now Kevin?
The process is a little painstaking.
"I'm measuring your patience!"
He re-Poe-ed them.
Cannibal Leader: "What did you do before we captured you?"
Man: "I was an editor for a newspaper"
Cannibal Leader: "Soon you will be editor-in-chief"
"I'm losing my patience!"
When he asked for money from his friends and family, they refused,
as it wasn't their dam business
I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
"Where the fuck is my roof?"
So I added more ram
“Nine... eight… seven...”
I guess they were Stalin around.
It wasn't until i spanked a statue that i realised i had hit rock bottom.
Parachuttio
Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.
The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.
Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, “Darling, don't you think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted?"
The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.
After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.
One day during an argument, his wife has had it with his coughing and hacking and tells him "Im making a bet, if this damn coughin kills you i'm writing ' I told you so' on your tombstone!"
The man laughs her off since they both have a twisted sense of humor, and tells her its a deal, if the coughin kills him she can carve that.
The man continues on for another week
One day the man is out going for a walk through his neighborhood, when a freak accident occurs between a truck carrying coffins and a car, which results in a coffin flying off the truck, tragically landing on the old man and kills him.
Later at his funeral, his wife makes a very odd request to have them carve "I told you so" on his headstone.
When the caretaker asks her why she wants to do this, she tells him about their dark humor, and fills him in on the bet they recently made.
The caretaker is touched by the story, and agrees to do it for her, because in the end,
It was that damn coffin that killed him
Me, noticing that my two boys have been playing great together for a while: "Hey you guys, quit playing so nice!"
Younger Kid: confusion
Older Kid: exasperated sigh Dad's trying to make a joke.
Nobody: laughs
Now it’s a Dell rolling in the deep.
other people think its boring.
Wife: ? Me: "There's a bottle neck."
I guess I’m transginger.
Him: "Ok. Why don't I practice with another burrito?"
This kid is going places.
Butter disbelief.
My father is deceased and my brother has no children. I feel this is my obligation to the family.
girlfriend: im worried he might have a hole in one.
me: worried? i thought people usually got excited when they get a hole in one?
So I told him to Mufasa
Credit to /u/mactree
A cannibble.
A cannibble.
