A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person who eats other people slowly?

A cannibble.

πŸ‘︎ 259
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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The only way to kill a French vampire is to slowly drive a baguette through its heart.

The process is a little painstaking.

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Simba was moving slowly so I told him

To mufasa

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rafaelngash
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I put original copies of "The Fall of the House of Usher", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue", "The Pit and the Pendulum" and "The Tell-Tale Heart" on credit hoping to pay them off slowly. Unfortunately, I couldn't make all payments...

He re-Poe-ed them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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The leader of a cannibal tribe was slowly cooking a man in a pot

Cannibal Leader: "What did you do before we captured you?"

Man: "I was an editor for a newspaper"

Cannibal Leader: "Soon you will be editor-in-chief"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...

"I'm measuring your patience!"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Piccolo_Bass
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the doctor say when everybody left his office extremely slowly?

"I'm losing my patience!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingPinTony
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
There was a businessman who owned a hydroelectric power plant, and was slowly going bankrupt.

When he asked for money from his friends and family, they refused,

as it wasn't their dam business

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/23Silicon
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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Cat escalated slowly gfycat.com/marvelousalien…
πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MagentaOwl
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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I have an intense fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tardtart
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2018
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Bill Gates is clapping slowly.
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stephansbrick
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
You know, sometimes, as I lie in bed, looking up into the great night sky, counting each star and watching the moon slowly float by, I think to myself:

"Where the fuck is my roof?"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LucasAllenSimms
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...

I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm.

I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.

πŸ‘︎ 664
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
🚨︎ report
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly

So I added more ram

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Slowly losing control
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zdenkacardas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œI’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says to this guy. β€œYou’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” β€œOh, that’s terrible!” says the man. β€œGive it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?” β€œTen…” the doctor says slowly.

β€œNine... eight… seven...”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
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Slowly but surely
πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/endortech
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
🚨︎ report
The Soviet Union did things pretty slowly...

I guess they were Stalin around.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shamieee
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What is a type of Italian ham that helps you fall slowly?

Parachuttio

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alecraffi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
A older man was slowly becoming sicker and sicker as time went on....

The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.

After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.

One day during an argument, his wife has had it with his coughing and hacking and tells him "Im making a bet, if this damn coughin kills you i'm writing ' I told you so' on your tombstone!"
The man laughs her off since they both have a twisted sense of humor, and tells her its a deal, if the coughin kills him she can carve that.
The man continues on for another week

One day the man is out going for a walk through his neighborhood, when a freak accident occurs between a truck carrying coffins and a car, which results in a coffin flying off the truck, tragically landing on the old man and kills him.

Later at his funeral, his wife makes a very odd request to have them carve "I told you so" on his headstone.

When the caretaker asks her why she wants to do this, she tells him about their dark humor, and fills him in on the bet they recently made.
The caretaker is touched by the story, and agrees to do it for her, because in the end,

It was that damn coffin that killed him

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsArgon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm slowly losing the audience

Me, noticing that my two boys have been playing great together for a while: "Hey you guys, quit playing so nice!"

Younger Kid: confusion

Older Kid: exasperated sigh Dad's trying to make a joke.

Nobody: laughs

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wafflesareforever
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
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*slowly claps*
πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OctaveOGB
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
My sexual fantasies have slowly been getting more perverse...

It wasn't until i spanked a statue that i realised i had hit rock bottom.

πŸ‘︎ 805
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KindButthole
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2017
🚨︎ report
In the forest, a sad lonely looking turtle begins to climb slowly up a huge tree. Half way up, it edges along a branch, sighs, then jumps. It falls smacking into the ground, bouncing and tumbling across the forest floor...

Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.

The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.

Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, β€œDarling, don't you think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted?"

πŸ‘︎ 145
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Ben Folds: β€œShe’s a brick and I’m drowning slowly”
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hippomaster6000
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My desktop computer had been moving really slowly lately so I threw it into the ocean.

Now it’s a Dell rolling in the deep.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kirbykickedmydog
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I find slowly drilling holes really interesting...

other people think its boring.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dpaje-Da-Kid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2018
🚨︎ report
If you say gullible really slowly, it sounds like oranges
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/topderp1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm slowly killing the glove industry with my bare hands
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zoplik90
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Me while pouring a glass of wine: "Do you know why it's coming out so slowly?"

Wife: ? Me: "There's a bottle neck."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yossyrian
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
🚨︎ report
So I started to notice that my hair, my beard, and my arm hair are slowly turning red...

I guess I’m transginger.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dchris4
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2018
🚨︎ report
What does incredulous milk slowly churn into?

Butter disbelief.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wizard7926
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend asks her 9 year old nephew, who just ate a huge burrito in record time, to practice eating more slowly in the future

Him: "Ok. Why don't I practice with another burrito?"

This kid is going places.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/faceoftheancients
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2016
🚨︎ report
xpost from /r/writingprompts: A poorly-disguised escaped dairy cow has worked at an ice cream parlor... but now her bovine related puns is slowly starting to give her away.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoldenApple23
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2016
🚨︎ report
Over the course of a couple Facebook posts I'm slowly winning them over to the dad-side.

Come to the dad side...

My father is deceased and my brother has no children. I feel this is my obligation to the family.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gamerspoon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2015
🚨︎ report
talking about tires slowly leaking air today...

girlfriend: im worried he might have a hole in one.

me: worried? i thought people usually got excited when they get a hole in one?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pianoman1092
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2014
🚨︎ report
Simba was moving too slowly [x-post from /r/jokes]

So I told him to Mufasa

Credit to /u/mactree

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darbymowell
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person who eats other people slowly?

A cannibble

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fractiousrhubarb
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call somebody who eats people slowly?

A cannibble.

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report

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