..I really need to clean a few mugs around here.
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
To hide in strawberry patches.
What, don't get it? Come on, have YOU ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?
Then I guess those slippers are doing a pretty good job, huh?
I thought to myself "I really should buy her a fry pan "
I really need to wash out the mugs...
If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.
Me: No, it must've slipped away
To cover his bear feet
...but the investors got cold feet
He would say "Don't come running to me if you get your legs cut off!".
"Yep, sure is son."
"Oops I dropped it. Too slippery."
He's two and already a dad. I'm so proud.
"Well that's nice they give you both of them."
He asked if he could get them and said "I've always wanted bear feet." "Fine," I said, "take off you shoes." He did, smiling. Next, I told him "take off your socks." He excitedly eyed the slippers as he pulled off his socks. When he finished, I said "there, now you have bare feet." My wife just sighed and shook her head.
"I'm fairly sure I'm slipperier than you."
I told him they were my slippers.
A pair of slippers.
What kind of shoes does a Ninja wear? -Sneakers
What shoes does a skater wear? -slippers
What shoes does a Lumberjack wear? -Timberlands
What shoes does a doctor wear? -Sholl’s
What shoes does a priest wear? -don’t know but I’m sure it’s got a Sole
I’ll see myself out
I know this isn't strictly a Dad joke, but I feel it is in the spirit of the thing. My dad is getting is getting his leg amputated in January. Essentially he has no cartilage in his ankle, and it causes him severe pain all the time. He has an amazing sense of humor, so I wanted to get him a gift basket of foot-based things. So far I have: -fruit by the foot -Happy Feet -Footloose -an Ihop gift card -pack of tube socks (since now he gets 2 for 1) -Bologna (because his amputation is below knee) -a card saying congrats on the weight loss -all put inside of a stocking
What other foot based pun items would you include in the gift basket?
The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.
Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!
Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.
How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To... keep reading on reddit ➡
I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.
I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, “Do you want a lift”. “No thanks”, they replied, “We’re Walkers”.
I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all £5 apart from one that was £10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said “that’s maderia cake”.
Bought some cream, it said “store in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.
Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.
A man says “I keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says “I’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.
I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled wa... keep reading on reddit ➡
We just had our first child Saturday evening. On Sunday, she fussed at me about making her laugh (because it hurt), so I agreed to limit myself to dad jokes. She was okay with this. She then asked for her slippers. As I'm putting them on her, I say "I'm not sure why they call them slippers, that's the last thing I'd want to do." Now I'm not allowed to tell dad jokes either.
Her: Hey do you have any slippers I can borrow? Me: No, I only have slip-hims.
He preferred slippers.
OK, yesterday was my sons 6th birthday and he wanted some sort of dog-robot for present but i didnt want to trow money away because i know what they (he and second son) do with toys :) so i told my wife that i would buy him skateboard, because he asked it half-year ago for it, wife said ok, but please buy him also new slippers.
I picked up him from nursery and sit him in his seat and asked him what he want for present, he still wanted robot. Then i told him that i want to buy him something he can ride. He was so exited, he asked me is that a car, i said " can u drive", he said "no, i am too yung", then he asked is that motorbyke, i replayed same, then he asked is that bike, i aksed him, does he already have bike, and he replayed yes, alse happend for scooter. After that he didnt have any more ideas. Then i told him that i will bought him slippers, because u ride slippers (sords of it :D) he was so angry/mad/sad i cant explan :D
ofc i bought him skateboard, but that was so funny for... keep reading on reddit ➡
My girlfriend is leaving for vacation tonight, and earlier she was trying to be all lovey dovey and snuggle, but I was trying to watch the football game.
Her: "Why don't you want to cuddle with me?"
Me: "I'm trying to watch the football game..."
Her: "But I'm going to be gone for an entire week!!!"
Me: "So are the Ravens..."
She threw a slipper at me and tried to fight back a smile.
My dad yelled down into the basement where we are watching the Bruins-Canadiens game.
Dad: Hey, are my slippers down there? If they are, can you throw them up?
My brother: Sure, but that'll require me to eat them first!
It made me chuckle.
She said, "Someone left their slippers and a watch just sitting over there."
I responded with, "I guess time just keeps on slippin...slippin...slippin..."
I could hear her eyes roll as I mumbled, "into the fuuuutuuuuure!"
I really need to clean some mugs
I really need to wash some mugs.