Whats yellow and sits in the tree

A Prostitute tweetie

What does the Prostitute Tweetie say?

"Cheap Cheap"

Just heard that about 5 mins ago at the Christmas dinner table... from my dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bananarang1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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After many years of therapy, my psychologist has finally cured me of the desire to sit in the corner in public and blow on people that walk by! But now I have the urge to wear teen idol t-shirts and lean against the wall...

Long time fan, first time poster.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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Where do vegans sit in a restaurant?

At the vege-table

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rekt555
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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I went to sit down in my dads truck, but there were some wooden stands in the way. "What do I do?" I asked. He replied:

"Put the horses in the back." I hate the song but it made me laugh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shromboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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What do you call a guy with one arm and one leg, who sits in front of your door?

Matt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-sunnydaze-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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Sometimes, I like to sit down in the shower

And pretend I'm the captain of a sinking submarine

I can't remember which comedian this was

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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This guy I know is paid to sit in an elevator and tell jokes all day.

I gotta say, his sense of humor has gotten higher these days.

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πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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When you roll in from a night out but you're tyred so you just sit down in the garden slumped against the wall
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mustardbyname
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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If you're having trouble connecting your bluetooth device, just dress in green, sit on a perch and repeat everything that tech support tells you.

It's the only way to parrot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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In what state do you watch a priest, sneeze, and sit down?

massachusetts.

It gets worse. My kids and I have a ton of these for different states. Should it be one thread?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blurose262
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.

It's called Parking Son's disease.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unlucky_genius
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2018
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Dad:”back when I had to do wall-sits in school..”

β€œI had enough and told my gym teacher I couldn’t stand doing them

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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My dad lost his legs in the war and he sits on a wheelchair.

He gets off on lame jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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Cicadas sit in trees all day and scream.

But when I do it I’m β€œdisturbing the peace” and β€œunder arrest”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kshovhan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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Where are people who sit down in the shower at in life?

A low point.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hmanrulz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
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Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says β€œWhat music do you listen to?”

The turbine says β€œI’m a massive heavy metal fan”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Richie31213
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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What is Irish and sits in the back yard?

Patty O'Furniture..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lavacadotoast
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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I stood up in the middle of a meeting to fix the time on the clock. My boss told me sit down and do it later. I said...

β€œI guess it’s probably the wrong time.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/devin23b
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
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This evening, everyone remember to relax and sit in front of the TV

Because you will see nothing if you sit behind it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaff800
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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Saying the wealthy sit in their ivory towers is really just saying that the rich like Tuskeny-inspired architecture
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ilfiliri
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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My dad likes to sit in his front yard chasing kids off his property...

...Like some Lawn Enforcement Officer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toberoni
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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My grandfather was captured by the Germans in WWII. Being a high-ranking officer, they kept him captive for months but all he would do is sit in his cell saying "tick... tick... tick...". Their top interrogator was sent in to get important information out of him...

When in the interrogation room, he told my grandfather

"vee haf vays of making you tock!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FaultyData
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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I thought I could sit in front of a computer for as long as I wanted

But that's not the case.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hamadler
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
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Growing up I couldn’t do math unless I was sitting in someone’s lap. When I was younger it was never a problem finding someone that would let me sit on their lap, but now that I’m older...

I can’t count on anyone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spunkards97
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
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Did you hear about the sit-in at the polling place?

The police told them to get up, vote and leave.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ivegot_back
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
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If you’re cold, go sit in the corner.

It’s 90 degrees.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Static_Gobby
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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Growing up, my brothers and I weren't allowed to sit in the front of the car

We were the back seat boys

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chakasicle
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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Two fresh grapes decided to sit together out in the sun one day...

Pretty soon they were raisin kids

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ottodidakt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later." short-funny.com/best-puns…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2017
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What do you call it when a grape gets paid to sit in the sun all day?

Fund-raisin!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Watermelon86
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What's Irish and sits outside in the summer?

Paddy O'Furniture!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stormkitty
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2014
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In medieval times the knights would sit around a table and tease Lance.

A lot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xminus01
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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Why did the hikers sit down in the woods after a long day?

Forrest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Largedump
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2018
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Studies show when car-pooling, when going through a tunnel, people who sit in the back are shown to experience more anxiety.

Scientists call it "car-pool tunnel syndrome"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeNooNinja
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
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My wife and kids say I'm lazy because all I do is sit in my lounge chair all day.

I'm half inclined to agree with them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jr_b17
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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Someone in my office asked her boss if anyone else usually sits on the same desk

Her boss replied "yeah, we got a bit of a hotdesk arrangement"

I chimed in and said "Well if it's a hotdesk, you could always turn the fan on."

She was not impressed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
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Which paddle do you use when you sit in the front of a canoe?

Either oar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SugaFreeART
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Sometimes a dad joke just sits in your hand...

http://m.imgur.com/gallery/6SdMTOF

... Mini-Soda Vikings, everyone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cunt_Inhaler69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2016
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My neighbour built a patio on his flat roof and now he sits and stares at us in our garden.

He’s a total terraceist.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_am_smartypants
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
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Best prank to pull on Stevie Wonder? Sit him in front of a piano tuned two keys low.

He'll never see it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zooph
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
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On Christmas Eve, three eggs, named Dora, Moira, and Gloria, sit in a chicken nest...

Suddenly, Dora hatches and the mama hen says proudly, "Dora in the nest; Day One!"

Then, on Christmas, Moira hatches. The mama hen says, "Dora in the nest; Day Two! Moira in the nest; Day One!"

Dora is confused, and asks, "Well, what about our other sister?"

The mama hen explains, "Gloria In Eggshell, Sis; Day Oh."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greedantoid
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife said that we should get an ottoman so we can sit more comfortably in the family room.

I replied: "We ought ta, man".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/craigers01
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2017
🚨︎ report
In what state do you watch a priest, sneeze, and sit down?

massachusetts.

It gets worse. My kids and I have a ton of these for different states. Should it be one thread?

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/christianleft
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2016
🚨︎ report
When I reach home, my youngest son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it while making car sounds. His cute antics always make me forget that he is suffering from a rare disease.

It is called Parking Son's disease.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What's Irish and sits in the sun?

Patty O'Furniture

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2016
🚨︎ report

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