I tried to become a stand up comedian, but it turns out that I am more of a "sit down" comedian.

After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Yeah, I work out. I do one sit-up every day.

When I get up in the morning, that’s half. When I lie back down at night, that’s the other half.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
You are watching a stand-up comedy and suddenly the comedian sits down

Its a sitcom now

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/muddubooboo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Around the turn of 1900, two Friars move to London to start up a florist shop. Well this didn't sit well with the established florist shop down on the corner.

The other shop owner called his buddy to have someone trash their store. They sent Hugh, big guy like 6'3'' 300pounds. Hugh goes in and busts the store up and scares the Friars off, sending them back to the monastery.

The moral of the story is, Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/facts_my_guyy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I was feeling a little depressed, and then I saw a clown doing sit-ups across the street.

Funny how things work out.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I stood up in the middle of a meeting to fix the time on the clock. My boss told me sit down and do it later. I said...

β€œI guess it’s probably the wrong time.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/devin23b
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Growing up I couldn’t do math unless I was sitting in someone’s lap. When I was younger it was never a problem finding someone that would let me sit on their lap, but now that I’m older...

I can’t count on anyone

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spunkards97
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
At a funeral a man sits Behind the woman who’s husband just died. The man leans forward and asks, β€œdo u mind if I say a word?” she responds, β€œNot at all, please do.” the man stands up and says β€œplethora” and sits back down.

β€œThanks,” said the woman, β€œthat means a lot.”

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/turboboob
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Growing up, my brothers and I weren't allowed to sit in the front of the car

We were the back seat boys

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chakasicle
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Frosty started doing his sit-ups

Now, he’s an abdominal snowman

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Sit-ups and crunches are classic forms of abuse
πŸ‘︎ 112
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CNYguy82
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad is picking up tickets to a baseball game tonight and asked where I wanted to sit.

I said in the stadium.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ev_kline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Maybe Millennials are out of shape because we grew up watching sit-coms

Stand-coms would've made for better outcomes.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jurion
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2018
🚨︎ report
She does 100 sit-ups and 100 crunches everyday!

She's so hard-core.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RichNCrispy
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call something you sit on that can heat you up or cool you down?

Seating and chair conditioning!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/domsquad
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2016
🚨︎ report
I woke up this morning to find two birds sitting in the sun in our backyard eating ice cream.

They were Basking Robins.

πŸ‘︎ 132
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
When I woke up this morning, I saw a bird of prey sitting in my backyard eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I was sitting in a restaurant when the waitress walked up and asked how did you find your steak sir?

I said I looked at the mashed potatoes and the steak was right next to them.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
🚨︎ report
There’s two old men sitting on their front porch when a dog comes up and starts licking it’s junk

One of the old men goes, man I wish I could do that.

The other says, you can’t do that. That dog’ll bite you.

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/frozeneskimo02
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...

..it's a brand-new Rolex."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wIXMamamama
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do by raising one leg?

Shake hands.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tekprojekt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is running up the front stairs of a church. She asks the boy sitting at the top, "Is mass out?" The little boy looks at her and says...

"No, but your hat's on crooked."

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sineofthetimes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A priest is sitting at a bar when a rabbi shows up. The rabbi says,

"well I walked right into that one, didn't I?"

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Doctor_Oceanblue
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A boy is shoving candy into his face when his mom yells at him to stop.

"Don't eat so much candy all at once!"

"Why?" the boy replied.

"If you eat too much candy, you're stomach will get bigger, and bigger, and it will eventually explode!"

The boy is shocked by this image an immediately stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and mom go to church together, and the boy sits down next to a very visibly pregnant woman. The boy looks at her stomach, then up to her face, and says, "I know what you've been doing."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/winklesnad31
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I bought a new-build house!

When I walked in the place was great, everything was perfect apart from the kitchen. There were gas mains but no cooker! Work surfaces and water pipes, but no sink; empty plugs and spaces for where the fridge and freezer should sit.

When I bought the house I was told it was fully furnished! Furious, I called up intending to give whomever answered an earful.

I was told that everything should be arriving individually, and the house is being used as an experiment for completely autonomous, self thinking kitchen appliances!

Before I could reply there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a stove strolled in, tilted forward in a bow, slid past me and set itself into its spot! Even attaching itself to the gas mains!

Later that day another knock at the door signalled the arrival of the fridge and freezer.(who had travelled together) They bowed and sat themselves perfectly in place in my new kitchen. I was beaming!

That evening I was explaining to my wife how the appliances had arrived, when came another knock at the door. β€œThis technology is going to change the world, I swear it!” I told her. β€œCan you answer the door? I’ve been on my feet all day”

β€œYeah,” she replied, less enthusiastic than I,β€œbut it’ll get to a point when humans are completely inferior.” She explained β€œWhen these machines develop such sentience, what’s stopping them from overthrowing us?” β€œTreating us as slaves, like we to them now?” She asked, distraught at theses ideas.

Knock knock

β€œIt’s best not to worry about these things,” I said in an attempt to alleviate her fears.

β€œThere are people- professionals developing contingencies for any possible future robot uprising!” β€œThat future you’re frightened about is purely science fiction right now, and the way our collective knowledge and application of technology has advanced, (Even in the past 50 years!) our own scientists and engineers will be able to crush any worries we may have when the time comes.” I explained.

She sighed, agreeing somewhat reluctantly. β€œDon’t think on it now, have some faith!” I told her.

Knock knock

β€œNow let that sink in!”

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/olemonheado
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Two elderly women were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them. One woman has a stroke.

The other couldn’t reach.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Last year, my wife was so angry that I forgot to buy her a Christmas present, but that's not happening this time, because I bought her present two months ago! It's all wrapped up, sitting under the tree, waiting for her on Christmas Day!!

She's going to love these flowers!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I was sitting at a stoplight when a gorgeous woman pulled up next to me and rolled down her window. I rolled my window down and smiled at her. She looked at me and said,

β€œWhat? Did you fart too?”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
🚨︎ report
At the zoo today my wife and daughter were sitting on a bench. My daughter asks me to help her up...

So I look intently and say, β€œIs that fire-ants crawling around on that bench?” It definitely helped them both get up. πŸ˜‰

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Texntodd
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar after a long day at work.

He sits down, orders a beer, and begins to mull over his day.

After a few minutes he hears a quiet, and high pitched voice say "I like your shirt". He looks around and doesn't see anybody, so he goes back to his drink.

A few sips later he hears the same voice say "You have lovely eyes". He looks around again half expecting to see Alvin the chipmunk, but there is nothing.

After a few more sips, he hears it again, "I bet your parents are real proud of you". Finally he has had enough. He slams his drink down, looks over at the bartender, and says "what the hell is that high pitched voice I am hearing?!"

The bartender looks up and says "Its the peanuts...

They're complimentary."

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/smoffatt34920
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
A chicken walks into a library

It goes up to the librarian and says "bok." The shocked librarian looks at the chicken and says, "Excuse me, what?" and the chicken repeats, "bok."

The librarian thinks a moment before asking, "You want a book?" The chicken nods and says, "bok," so the librarian goes and gives the chicken a book, and it walks out.

A few minutes later the chicken struts back in and says "bok bok." The librarian, still shocked, asks if it wants two books, to which the chicken replies, "bok bok." So the librarian gets two more books and gives them to the chicken.

A few more minutes pass and the chicken walks back up to the front desk, saying "bok bok bok." The librarian nods and fetches three more books, but this time decides to follow the chicken outside.

Tailing the chicken, she watches as it walks out to the parking lot, where a frog is sitting by a pile of books. When the chicken lays the new delivery before it, the frog takes one look and says, "reddit, reddit!"

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Every morning I wake up to find hundreds of flowers without heads sitting on my front door.

I think I’m being stalked.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2018
🚨︎ report
I was sitting in the park when this woman walked up to me.

She said, "Hi, can I join you?"

I said, "Of course. There's some super glue in my bag."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm sitting at Starbucks right now in awe of what just happened. I just witnessed a dad-joke pick-up line.

These two ladies (Around 50) were making small talk with this barista of the same age, when he said, "Why didn't you take your mask off?" to one of them. I guess they didn't know what he was talking about and just shrugged it off with an awkward laugh, then he landed it: "You went as a beauty-queen, right?"

πŸ‘︎ 181
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AvenueMan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2013
🚨︎ report
I'm sitting in traffic with my dad today when he scoffs, shakes his head, throws up his hand and says "look at THIS clown over here!"

I look over and there is literally a dude in full clown make-up driving a vw bettle next to us. Pop maintained a straight face through the whole thing.

πŸ‘︎ 320
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/robinson217
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2014
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Andy was frustrated.

His wife always complained that he wasn't good enough in bed and that she wasn't satisfied. He went to the local bar to get a drink and cool off for a bit. On reaching the bar, he ordered a beer and sat down. His friend, Mike saw him sitting alone and walked up to him. He asked Andy what happened to which Andy told him the situation. Mike said that he had a simple trick which never failed and told Andy to hit his meat on the bedpost three times before sex. Andy rushed home to perform this trick. He saw that his wife was lying on the bed with the lights off. Slowly he took off his pants and hit his meat three times on the bedpost. Dum, dum, dum. His wife immediately woke up and shouted, "Mike, is that you?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ginks_21
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman gets on the bus..

A woman gets on the bus with her baby, and the driver says:

"Jesus wept lass, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

Understandably, she's very upset. But she goes and sits down toward the back next to a nice old lady.

The old lady next to her leans in as she sits down, she heard the whole thing, and she says to her:

"I wouldn't take that if I were you petal... If I were you, I'd go back up there and rip him a new one!... Go on love... ... I'll hold your monkey"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I always poop sitting up straight.

That way I can always be on top of all my shit.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ibided
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2015
🚨︎ report
Prom night

It was time for the prom at Klondike High School and Tim's friends were desperately trying to convince him to go. He considered it, but was very self-conscious of the fact that he had had an accident as a young child that caused him to lose his eye, and the best his family could afford was to buy him a wooden eye. After several days of goading, Tim finally decides to go.

Sally was in a similar situation. Her friends desperately wanted her to go prom with them, but she was recently in a car accident and lost her right leg. She had a prosthetic, but it was very uncomfortable, so she had a hard time walking. Reluctantly, she agreed to go.

It was the night of the prom and both Tim and Sally were getting all gussied up with their friends. They both make it to the prom, but when they arrive, they are both too nervous to dance. Tim's friends notice Sally sitting on the wall and say to him, "Look over there! There's a cute girl who's all alone and needs a partner to dance with. Why don't you go over there and ask her to dance?" After some further convincing, Tim sheepishly begins to walk over to Sally to ask her. As he approaches her, he getes nervous, and awkwardly stands in front of her for a few seconds before saying, "Wuh...wuh...would you like to dance with me?"

Excitedly, Sally exclaims, "Would I? Would I?"

Tim responds angrily, "PEG LEG! PEG LEG!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pensrule2007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Curious

A guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "'Cause he's fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spazpekker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...

..it's a brand new Rolex."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wIXMamamama
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is at her deceased father's funeral.

The man sitting next to her asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "Absolutely", she responds. So the man walks up to the podium and clears his throat. "Plethora" he says. Then he comes and sits back down. "Thank you", the woman says. "That means a lot."

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kriskidd21
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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