All my life I thought Simon and Garfunkel never performed a song about a boxer.

But it turned out to be a lie-la-lie, lie-la-lie-la-lie-la-lie...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpykidfan37
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
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Simon is in the school play and invites his parents, who don't think he'll be very good.

Halfway through the play, a floorboard breaks underneath Simon and he falls through. 'Don't worry' Simon's dad whispers to his mum 'it's just a stage he's going through!'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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Simon Says for adults

Simon Says flashing orange left turn only light, green arrow left two lane lights and red light.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pumpdawg88
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
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Grammer on point
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bongnazi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
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Simon says

This happened last night. I laughed way too hard after it so figured I’d share. Driving with my three sons playing Simon says in the backseat.

Oldest son: β€œSimon says place your hand on someone else’s head” Me angrily interrupting: β€œNO we’re keeping our hands to ourselves” Oldest son: β€œawe cmon dad but we’re playing Simon says we’re not gonna fight” Me: β€œfine......Simon says keep your hands to yourself”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kyleorto86
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2018
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Does anyone know how long it takes to repair a hearing aid?

I sent mine away 2 weeks ago and I haven't heard anything since.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uhavethebiggay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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Why should Simon and Garfunkel rule the World?

Because then at least the Trains would run on Parsley, Sage, Rosemary AND Thyme!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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Did you hear that ICE detained Paul Simon?

They were asking him about a guy named Julio.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadKittyRanch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2018
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Did you know that Paul Simon has a song about the 13th element?

You can call me Al

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VorticoseTax
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
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What’s the perfect name to give to your first sim?

Simone

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wxlson
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
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Simon Says

I came home from work and my 3 and 4 year old kids told me they learned how to play Simon Says. I thought a test was in order.

Me: "Simon Says, clap your hands!"

Kids: [clap clap clap]

Me: "Simon Says, touch your nose!"

Kids: [touch their nose]

Me: "Simon Says, lick your finger!"

Kids: [lick their index finger]

Me: "Put your finger in your ear!"

Kids: [put their index fingers in their ears]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boyfly
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2014
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I said to my wife, "I refuse to believe our son got fired for theft as a road worker!"

My wife replied, "Come on Simon, the signs were all there."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/insideout97
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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An old friend dad joked me at his restaurant

Me to friend: You work fourteen hour shifts, make everything from scratch, and tend your own vegetable and herb garden. Where do you find the time?

Friend: Right next to the rosemary.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Z-Freak
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2015
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Need a funny pun for a bridge name

I'm building a bridge for a competition team and we need a creative name. So far, all I have is Simon & Garfunkel's Path and Red Hot Road. I'm lame.... Help

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πŸ‘€︎ u/polker
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2016
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Did you know that Art Garfunkel is short for Arthur Garfunkel?

And Paul Simon is short for a man.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ghespen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2017
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Double dadjoked my SO with a classic.

We were sitting chilling on the sofa, watching crap telly, she turned to me and said, "I'm tired".

"Nice to meet you tired, I'm Simon"

She's well used to my shit, so she fixed me with a steely gaze, totally unimpressed, and barked, "You're so funny".

"No, I'm Simon. I just told you that".

I snickered silently to myself as I ducked under the remote control that was thrown -hard- at my head.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2015
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While I was doing math homework..

Me- "Ugh he never told us what coplanar lines even are!" Dad- "Simon! Stop coplanaring!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SimonRB
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
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Overheard this dadjoke at a restaurant

A boy tells his dad, "We have a new teacher this week. Her name is Ms. Simon." Dad quickly replies, "Does everyone do what Ms. Simon Says?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mxymm
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2014
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