They were definitely cheap shots.
How come no one's ever told me that before?
It’s a Cat-5 either-net cable.
Hi, everyone!
I’m a middle school teacher and my school is doing a charity event where teachers team up with students to complete a series of challenges. Every team has a costume and a funny name. My students’ costume selection is pink cowgirl (rodeo shirt, pink skirt, pink hat, boots, etc). They’ve asked me to come up with a pun for our team name and I’m struggling. Can anyone help me out here?
I’m looking for family friendly puns only please! These are kids!
TIA!!!!
No pun in ten did.
My Dad: "No, I've been Targeted."
He puts his Pajamazon
They only take a small fraction of all applicants.
I said: I thought you liked "POP" music
I didn’t mean anything bad by it - it was just an innocent swipe-o
The reason steaks are made from bulls instead of cows is because making them from cows would be a miss steak.
It was a we'll needed break. I'd been busy shopping all day. We had been stocking the cupboards with tins, ketchup, mayo, mustard etc. So me and my lovely wife were gunna have some grub and a drink before cosying down for the night.
After my food arrived I asked for some ketchup. But they didn't have any. They didn't have chance to stock up today and have run out of all their sauces. And this food needed something to mask the actual taste. So I quickly nipped back home and grabbed all of my selection, just in case the Mrs ended up wanting something different. She usually does
While I was eating there were a few complaints and people walking out because of the situation.
The man in the kitchen looked stressed and about to burst into tears. So I called over the waitres and handed over my sauce selection and said " my condiments to the chef"
Moogenics
They were CAPTCHA-d.
I haven't
(Joke from my 14 year old son)
I said “are you gonna give them the No-Bell prize?”
I HAVE WON THE DAY
Instead she just made me falafel.
Friederich Niche!
To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.
My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:
Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.
LN: What happened?
Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.
LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?
Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.
LN: What was in it?
Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...
LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!
Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.
LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..
LN: mmhmm
Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.
LN: What did he tell you to do?!
Dad: Call a tow truck.
LN: ....what?
Dad: Get it, toe truck?!
LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.
DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.
Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!
Natural selection.
I Thoth I'd get more of a Ha, Heh, and a maybe even a Kek out of her, but instead she thinks I'm a Nut! I even got all dressed up in my best Khepri shorts to practice on my material with her. I had hoped she'd be more agreeable to them, but she even started bullying me, grabbed my arm and Hatmehit myself a few times, so I told her to stop with that and Imentet! I don't like being treated like some street Mut!
I tried to tell her, "Babi, please stop!" She, however, was having Nun of it! It was starting to Geb me a bruise! Besides, I hadn't even gotten to my Bastet ones yet! So I told myself Heqet all! I'm gonna tell my jokes, because at least they make me Hapi! She didn't care, just told me to Shu! Said I was a Nemty-headed fool. How rude!
Being a Tefnut to crack, I called for the Aten-tion of my friends so they could at least listen to my whole Set, and busted out with this great Amun-gus joke! I certainly thought it was a Neith little joke, but right off the Bat, they were telling me to Wadjet with the dumb puns, and I need to Wadj-wer I'm taking these jokes. One of them even did a literal face-palm and stood up to leave! I told him to stop that, because I don't like to see Menhit themselves, or anyone for that matter, so thankfully, Hesat down again.
I tried Anhur-ther time, but another friend accused me of Nepit-ism! I told him he clearly never Nu what that word meant to begin with, Aani just spits in my face! Ptah! I really Maat him angry, it seems. Nothing but Ra Ra rabble rabble with him....I wanted to wash his mouth out and see how the Sopdu in fixing that bad attitude of his...
After that treatment, I had no choice but to Pakhet in. Bennu really rough day dealing with all this pushback. Neper again will I tell another pun. Isis the error of my ways now and learned a valuable lesson today: Even the closest people in your life will either like the jokes you Hathor they won't. If they don't, you just have to Reshep your comedy routine to the crowd you're playing to, otherwise, you'll upset your girlfriend so badly, you'll end up sleeping in the Shed!
Because it tastes like shock a lot
Some friends of mine like to rent a boat every year and go enjoy a quiet day of nice summer weather on a nice lake. One friend brought a stereo with her this year and asked everybody, "What kind of tunes does everyone want to listen to?"
I told her, "Pon-tunes!"
Groans were had by everyone else on the boat.
Edit: We were on a pontoon boat, not a pond.
That really pushes my buttons.
Cuz, beggers can't be choosers!
Hugs not pugs.
I heard they only selected people with a runny nose
Fiancee: Let's see: summer squash...
Me: ...and some aren't!
The steaks had never been higher
Turns out they have a great return policy.
I soon discovered that I had made a gross error of judgment.
The sandwich artist began making my selection, using his right hand to place the slices of ham.
Suddenly, he pulled his hand away and cried out in pain.
“Ouch! Hand cramp!”
Before I could ask if he was ok, he finished stacking the slices of ham with his left hand.
“Lucky for you I’m hambidexterous ” he said.
Me: Thanks. You look good too.
No pun in ten did.
