I think I might Sudafed.
My Dad: "No, I've been Targeted."
They take an Ubear
Hot, thick, and stacked!
You wouldn't get it though, it's an inside joke.
Makes sense.
We don’t talk about the elephant in “The Room.”
"Why me?" I asked.
They said they had reasonable grounds.
"this joke is worse than the last two jokes you said combined"
I'll let you be the judge of that.
I missed all the signs
She would have had a cow.
Turns out he was wearing slippers.
To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.
My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:
Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.
LN: What happened?
Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.
LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?
Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.
LN: What was in it?
Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...
LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!
Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.
LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..
LN: mmhmm
Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.
LN: What did he tell you to do?!
Dad: Call a tow truck.
LN: ....what?
Dad: Get it, toe truck?!
LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.
DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.
Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!
It's a gag reflex
Therapist: are you?
Me : screams
Therapist : oh i see
Me:screaming intensifies
Because they're usually in stables.
I think it’s the Chopin board.
I guess I wasn't much of a police detective.
Had potential to misfire but worked perfectly.
Also, the other day my wife left a Monster energy drink under her bed, and we waited for her to come and ask "ok who put this monster under my bed?"
Dad: “Of course I’ve heard of cows! Look! They’re all over the damn place!”
I'm calling it Guac-a-Mole
More than once I’ve spotted Dick putting.
Luckily, it was a soft drink.
Me: Not really. There is a 70% chance we will be in the middle of the ocean.
Her: This is why no one hangs out with us anymore.
It’s jarring
Wuacamole
Wife was pleased and called it a nice surprise. "No," I corrected her, "it's an ice surprise."
Something good
A periodic table.
"I was at the National Bank ATM today when this old lady asked me if I could check her balance for her, so I pushed her over."
God dammit Dad >.<
"Hey, how 'bout that Japanese-Jewish girl, Sosumi?"
My dad is Jewish, btw.
Two of my daughters asked "What?"
I said, "That just happened."
One asked, "What just happened?"
I said, "That."
"What?"
The 6 year old continued the conversation while the 9 year old just rolled her eyes.
Dad: You hear about the problems China has since they introduced the iPhone there?
Me: No, what happened?
Dad: They have so many Wongs and Wings, they keep winging the wong numbers.
