Why did the ear itchiness keep coming back after being scratched?
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor and as I got out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.” I replied, “Don’t call me son, you’re not my dad.” He scratched his head and said...
“No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”
Son: I scratched my phone's screen
My dad scratched the P off of my vintage pokemon card
My first response was “okemon”
My wife and I were starting to make out on the couch, when our cat scratched me.
My wife said she was protecting her. I said "no, you just can't have two women in a room without one of them getting catty."
She left the room, came back, told me that was a terrible joke, and left again. I was very pleased with myself.
My friend scratched her eye recently
I was gonna tell her a joke to lighten the mood, but decided not to. I can see that my jokes are beginning to get cornea and cornea.
What did the caveman say when the cat scratched him?
I have scratched and clawed to become the chairman of this company
I am now the #1 chair maker of the company.
Though, looking back, it seemed unethical, considering the fact that tools exist
My 3yr-old scratched up his head pretty badly in a fall the other day. Once he had finished crying he dad-joked "What's my favorite plant?"
I gots two words that will leave you all scratching your heads.
One to make you scratch your pool noodle
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus
Still scratching my head in confusion, trying to understand why was I thrown out of the interview room???
My answer was spot on, upon being asked to give an example on a "Business being completely ruined due to carelessness"
All I said was... "A Pregnant Prostitute"
What did the Japanese man say when he saw his boy scratch his leg?
1 2, 3?
Edit: read the numbers in Japanese
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
My cat scratches me to get my attention, I like to think he doesn't realize he's hurting me,
he just has issues with claws and effects.
Why can’t the T-Rex scratch their back?
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
“Because they have no balls to scratch”
My girlfriend has been experimenting with fermentation and the other day she made a bread from scratch.
A new strain of head lice is going around which is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
A man came in my tech repair shop complaining his nail had damaged his windows laptop and was concerned it wouldn't work anymore
I told him not to worry- he's only scratched the surface
Santa and the elves are drinking around the fire and one of the elves says:
“Santa: you’ve been around since the 4th century, seen alphabets and languages rise and fall. Do you have a favorite letter?”
Claus thinks about it, scratches his thick white beard and says: “A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z”
“Well Santa, I just asked for one. What does that mean?”
“And I gave you one! My favorite letter of the alphabet is the most Christmasy one out there! No-L!”
Check out the battle scar on my arm. Made from scratch.
I never think twice about scratching myself
it's always a rash decision
I have an itch
Scratch that! I had an itch.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called '1001 cures for itches."
I guess, I've got to start again from scratch.
When I dropped my top-of-the-line Microsoft laptop on the asphalt, I figured it was ruined
Turns out I had barely scratched the Surface.
My first job was telling golfers how much time a scratch player should take to complete a hole on the golf course...
I told my mom to teach my kids her skills in making bread and pasta from scratch
I saw my son scratching his knee
I asked him if he had a 123.
Confused, he looked at me and asked what I meant.
I stared back and said, you have an ichi ni san.
I was wondering why Popeye keeps scratching himself at Soul Cycle...
Turns out he has a lot of spin itch...
(true story) My partner had a scratch on his face
I said, "Oh, how'd you get that?"
He was like, "I honestly don't remember, I came home and noticed it."
I put my hand on his forehead and said, "Do you have a fever?"
He said, "Nope, I feel fine."
And I said, "Good ............... it's not a cat scratch then."
He still gets mad about when I bring it up.
You scratch the surface when you make a homemade chicken pot pie.
Why was the elephant itchy and scratching himself?
My Uncle got a scratch off map for his birthday.
As he was walking it over to his car he said “be careful guys 🎶 I’ve got the whole world in my hands🎶”
Wife: I’m going to make the roux from scratch.
Me: Can you make it kanga flavored?
Wife: What?
Why do girls rub their eyes after they wake up?
Because they have no balls to scratch!
Why does my wife rub her eyes when she wakes up?
Because she has no balls to scratch
A new strain of lice is going around that is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
I was in an elevator and got out at the 10th floor.
The operator said ‘Have a nice day son’. ‘Don’t call me son’ I said. ‘You’re not my dad’
The operator scratched his head and said ‘No, but I brought you up didn’t I?’
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