A prick
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lu_jess_jk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
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My son is such a prick. I bought him a trampoline and he won't even jump on it.

He just sits in his wheelchair and cries .

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shdwstar2417
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mairiphinc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2017
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Things got a little prickly and I painted this Cat-tus!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Killbarney1039
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
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I arrested some hay after it pricked my finger, but I've heard it left the country

This wouldn't have happened if judge had set a higher bale.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuperDave-1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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I’m sorry.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noodlemcfoodle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
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I pricked myself with my pen the other day...

It drew blood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bennyboi7910
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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What do you call it when a woman trades sex for a tattoo?

Tit-for-Tatt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Malak77
πŸ“…︎ May 02
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Why are cacti so careful?

They don't want to be pricks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nimja_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16
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When you get a shot, your skin is pricked.

When you get circumcised, your prick is skinned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StaleTheBread
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2017
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Hey dads, get your significant other one of these for valentine's day!

https://imgur.com/VpQ80W3

I know my wife loves a boo-K.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/surfrock66
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11
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My friends "Cactie"...
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ododorktheke
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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I trusted my acupuncturist.

Then he stabbed me in the back.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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What’s the difference between a Mercedes Benz and a porcupine?

The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XxFezzgigxX
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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I ran into my enemy named cactus the other day

What a prick

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lZombieChaserl
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
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My family tree is a cactus,

it's full of pricks

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shirul
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/c12tim
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2018
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Everyone always talks about Anti Vax...

But what about Uncle Vax?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vitalogy1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
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I had to fire my acupuncturist.

Turns out they were a back-stabber.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnGi3103
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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Your family tree must be a cactus ...

... because everyone on it is a prick

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πŸ‘€︎ u/saam_h
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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I had to trim my rose bush today

It was a real prick job

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheNewBo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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True story Dad joke

So not the kind you tell the kids, but certainly Dad jokes, and totally true!

I recently had a vasectomy and the guy 'doing the deed' was some genius wordsmith or was just trying to be punny.

The first thing he said in the prep-talk was "you won't feel a thing".

A few mins later it was "don't worry it will all be over quickly"

and finally whilst administering the local anaesthetic "you may feel a small prick".

We, I thought it was funny and he certainly gave me a chuckle.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DannyGere
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
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The life story of a professional body piercer would be full of holes.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/black_flag_4ever
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
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Cactus Farmers Shouldn't Be Parents

They're only good at raising pricks.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
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This tiny sword keeps getting angry with me.

It must be short tempered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KyleMistry
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2013
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Her: Would you mind grabbing a fork and standing in the kitchen for a few minutes? Me: Ok, why?

Her: The recipe says, Step 3: Prick with a fork to make sure it’s cooked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2018
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This group of kids ambushed me and pushed me into a cactus.

Those little pricks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jhabibs
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2018
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Peas forgive the Facebook post.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/probrian
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2014
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Did I tell you guys about the extremely rude cactus I met the other day?

He was a real prick.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/t3rrapins
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2017
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Egocentric speciality fish mongers

sell fish pricks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kid_Truism
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2017
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One of my clients told me this one.

What is the difference between a porcupine and a middle aged man in a Porsche?

A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Peglegpegasus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2017
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Dadjoked my housemates regarding pets...

One of my housemates said he thought a hedgehog would make a cool pet, I replied "Nah, you don't want a hedgehog, they're all pricks."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cindres91
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2014
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I had a workplace win with an excellent pun, and I'm still smiling about it.

[Sorry for the wall of text, I just wanted to share this with you]

Ok, so technically this was before I knew I was a dad at the time, and it happened a long time ago, so I'm paraphrasing it a bit (have to leave out some details. It's work related lol), but I'm really proud of it.

I was having this workplace dispute with this really snively guy who was being a bit of a prick about some work assignment he was really proud of. Long story short, he was worried about someone else taking credit for something and wanted me to talk to our boss about it for him (What does he think I am lol). Anyway, as I'm walking away I hear him coughing. So I turn around, and with this great big smile on my face, I'm like:

"Don't choke on your aspirations, mate."

Anyway, I thought it was a great line. I was smiling all the way back to my office. I don't know why it came to my mind at that moment, but it wasn't long before I'd meet my kids for the first time in years, and it was really great to reconnec

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CloakedCorgi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2016
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WhereΒ΄s the Wizard of Oz?

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads.... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway.... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads" he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?" "Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!" The toad looks down and sees that he is brown! Except..... for his weenie, which was still yellow. "Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!" "Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way. There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy god

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/janeybabygoboom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2016
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Got my roommate while he was playing grand theft auto

He had to do an emergency landing in the desert and took out a bunch of cacti with his wing. Him: Stupid cacti, I didn't like them anyways. Me: Yeah, they were a bunch of pricks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-Sofa-King
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2015
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When walking into a public restroom...

Dad: "Ah. This is where all the pricks hang out."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnstonxj
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2013
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My family tree is a cactus

Full of pricks

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ozboz3000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
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