Me: Why?
Wife: I don't want to drive im-pear-ed!
" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.
He ended up coming to his senses
It drew blood.
He just sits in his wheelchair and cries .
When you get circumcised, your prick is skinned.
Needles
Tit-for-Tatt
They don't want to be pricks.
I know my wife loves a boo-K.
Then he stabbed me in the back.
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
But what about Uncle Vax?
What a prick
Turns out they were a back-stabber.
... because everyone on it is a prick
It was a real prick job
So not the kind you tell the kids, but certainly Dad jokes, and totally true!
I recently had a vasectomy and the guy 'doing the deed' was some genius wordsmith or was just trying to be punny.
The first thing he said in the prep-talk was "you won't feel a thing".
A few mins later it was "don't worry it will all be over quickly"
and finally whilst administering the local anaesthetic "you may feel a small prick".
We, I thought it was funny and he certainly gave me a chuckle.
It must be short tempered.
They're only good at raising pricks.
Her: The recipe says, Step 3: Prick with a fork to make sure it’s cooked.
Those little pricks.
He was a real prick.
sell fish pricks.
One of my housemates said he thought a hedgehog would make a cool pet, I replied "Nah, you don't want a hedgehog, they're all pricks."
What is the difference between a porcupine and a middle aged man in a Porsche?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
[Sorry for the wall of text, I just wanted to share this with you]
Ok, so technically this was before I knew I was a dad at the time, and it happened a long time ago, so I'm paraphrasing it a bit (have to leave out some details. It's work related lol), but I'm really proud of it.
I was having this workplace dispute with this really snively guy who was being a bit of a prick about some work assignment he was really proud of. Long story short, he was worried about someone else taking credit for something and wanted me to talk to our boss about it for him (What does he think I am lol). Anyway, as I'm walking away I hear him coughing. So I turn around, and with this great big smile on my face, I'm like:
"Don't choke on your aspirations, mate."
Anyway, I thought it was a great line. I was smiling all the way back to my office. I don't know why it came to my mind at that moment, but it wasn't long before I'd meet my kids for the first time in years, and it was really great to reconnect with them.
Anyway, my kids are pretty popular (my son's a school teacher, so I don't want to embarrass him in front of the kids), and my daughter would be mortified to hear a dadjoke this terrible great so I'd appreciate if you didn't mention any details about me in the comments (might spoil their evening lol) it was just a nice little moment.
Anyway, just wanted to share the moment with you guys.
D. [To the mods, I know this is a kind of just a pun, but I thought it was worth posting here. I hope you guys understand.]
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads.... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway.... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads" he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?" "Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!" The toad looks down and sees that he is brown! Except..... for his weenie, which was still yellow. "Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!" "Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way. There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, okay, it's a coincidence, but it's true). "Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with a purple bear on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off." Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here" she says and with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!" The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.. "Hold up sweetheart!" he says to the fairy Godmother, "My goolies are still purple!" "Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." "Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?" "Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off saying......... "Just follow the yellow-prick toad !!"
He had to do an emergency landing in the desert and took out a bunch of cacti with his wing. Him: Stupid cacti, I didn't like them anyways. Me: Yeah, they were a bunch of pricks.
Dad: "Ah. This is where all the pricks hang out."
