What’s the best thing about only having your right arm and right leg?
You’ve got nothing left to lose.
I was so exhausted when I went to bed that I slept right through my son and his friends having a raging weed and heavy metal party in the yard all thru the night. As the sun came up, the party was still in full swing and my phone had blown up with messages complaining about the noise and the smell.
So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs ‘WHAT’S GOIN’ ON?’
Edit: so happy that one of my home-made dad-jokes is so well-received :) thanks, everyone!
Did you hear about the construction worker who knew it was the right job for him from the very beginning?
It was love at first site.
Y’all have heard of Murphy’s Law right? Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. But have you heard about Coles Law?
It’s a bunch of thinly sliced cabbage with a mayonnaise based dressing.
Did you here about the guy who only has a right side
He doesn't have much left
You know what they say about guys with big feet, right?
They have a firm understanding.
I think Harry would like an order of wings right about now...
I heard a story the other day about a guy who got his right hand cut off...
Apparently his other hand is all that was left.
A bit worried about my friend who can only see with his right eye
He said there's nothing left for him
I took my daughter to her first recital, but she ran off the stage right when it was about to start...
when she came back, I asked what was wrong and she said, "I had to pee ya know?"
Does anybody else already know the right answer to these things about 95% of the time?
Maybe there should be a "Dada"-base for these things...
Did you guys hear about the competing podiatrists who opened offices right next to each other?
My wife was fighting me about doing our kitchen in granite or laminate. She finally told me that we just can’t afford granite right now.
I have to admit... it was a pretty good counter argument.
You know what they say about picking the right species of Christmas Tree?
It's a huge Pine in the Ash
Girlfriend accepts that I'm always right and we were talking about future kids
Me: "I dunno how I'll feel about it"
Her: "Whatcha mean?"
Me: "I'm not sure how I'll feel about kids who will only be half right"
Her: "..."
Me: "But it's okay I guess because they'll be half left too"
Her: "Oh my goodness"
A little punny poem about love. We all need more love right now :)
I had a joke about grocery stores but now is not the right time to tell it
I think aisle tell it later
I can't think about buying any stupid pure freshly squeezed juice right now.
I told my daughter when she was whining to me about her new boyfriend... ‘Don’t complain about the road you’re on right now’
“So, the US is pulling out of the war right? Like, we don’t care about their fighting anymore?”
That time I beat my dad at his own game. In the middle of a heated lecture about not joining my friends' shenanigans, dad said, "Two wrongs don't make a right."
"Two Wrights do make an airplane."
"I'm proud of you. You're still grounded though."
We often hear about the divine right of kings, but we should really be talking about the divine right of queens.
After all, queenliness is next to godliness.
You heard about the restaurant on the moon, right?
Foods great but.... not much of an atmosphere
I could really use a seat right about now.
It's too bad I'm such a stand up guy.
Did you hear about the man who's whole left side got cut off? He's all right now.
BREAKING NEWS: The man who wrote the hokey pokey died today, according to officials they struggled getting him into the body bag because they put his right leg in, then his right leg out, in out in out they shook it all about.
Did you hear about the tortilla shortages going on right now? It's okay if you haven't.
They don't taco 'bout it much.
Had a conversation with my buddy about the Eli movie on Netflix, I think I did it right (Spoiler warning)
Buddy: Wait, so their idea was, "Your son is the devil, we can fix that with a bone marrow transplant and a virus?"
Me: No, I think they were lying about the retrovirus and just putting holy water and stuff into the marrow to exorcise him. That is my guess because they were just nuns, not real doctors.
Buddy: But, when he was freaking out at the end didn't the nurse say, "The gene therapy would have worked, but he was just too strong!"
Me: Oh yeah, maybe they had some of Jesus's DNA. So, instead of the CRISPR gene they use the CHRISTR gene....
I got an eye roll! No kids yet, but at least I know I can rise to the occasion.
You know what they say about living in Oklahoma, right?
Right now over at r/casualiama there is someone doing an AMA about them being deaf in their left ear.
Have you heard about the guy who lost his left arm and leg? It's ok, he's all right now.
Getting a turn of phrase right is not something I take a shit about
Did you hear about the math teacher who disappeared right in front of his class for 43 seconds?
So in school we’re learning about the Bill of Rights, and today we talked about the second amendment. It says we have the right to “bear Arms,” but I was curious where the right to bear Feet is.
People make such a big deal about Axl Rose joining AC/DC, but Slash has been right in the middle of them all along.
My 2-year-old was throwing a fit. Dadjoked a friend: "You know what they say about tantrums right? "
They're all the rage right now
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Did you hear about the guy who's whole left side is cut off? Yeah don't worry he is all right now.
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