Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".

I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.

The physical pain on his face was priceless.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 163
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Megaman_90
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 22 2020
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What are terminators called when they retire?

Exterminators

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/siphodeus
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 20 2019
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When should an astronaut retire?

When they start spacing out

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mjatin2007
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 20 2020
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Why did the archivist retire?

He had back issues.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Hero_of_Thyme81
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 24 2020
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Why did the turtle retire and move to the south pole?

He couldn't handle any more hare-racing adventures

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 22 2020
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How to retire at the age of 18

Get a job at the tire shop.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 25
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 18 2019
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What do you call a thot whenever they retire?

An after thot.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 22
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ImASpoopyGhost
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 15 2019
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When Bruce Jenner said he wanted to retire abroad I thought he meant he’d be going overseas
πŸ‘οΈŽ 136
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/cornskin
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 04 2019
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I have decided to retire as a pilot

It was too Boeing

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Pinknoodles2000
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 15 2020
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I hope to one day be rich enough to buy a ring-shaped island chain formed of coral, where I can retire to relax.

I’ll call it my No Worries Atoll.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/abridgetooclose
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 03 2020
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I’m a failing, frustrated Doctor trying to decide if I should retire.

I just don’t have the patients...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 21
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Nkkcmo
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 02 2019
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When a weatherman retires..

..his rain comes to an end.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/resmungomandinga
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 06 2019
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A man named Nicholas Justin retires early from his job at a prominent magazine

At the retirement party, his boss says, "You might be getting to the next stage in your life early, but you'll always be Justin, the Nick of Time."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/command_block_guy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 04 2019
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I bought a new rear tire for my motorcycle today. As the clerk handed it to me, I looked him in the eye and said "guess I can retire now"
πŸ‘οΈŽ 34
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/confibulator
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 09 2018
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How do you call Bob the Builder when he retires?

Bob.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 45
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kwietog
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 20 2018
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My friend decided to quietly retire from his job as a eye glass manufacturer.

He didn’t want to make a spectacle.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 05 2019
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How was Jesus able to retire from carpentry early?

Because Jesus saves...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kero_on_the_bass
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 18 2019
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What do you call a boxer that retires and plays video games?

Xboxer

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Deeman_27
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 06 2017
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What's postman's Pats name when he retires?

Pat

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bunneylovin
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 26 2017
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Turns out the sun is planning to retire and asked me for advice

"don't quit your day job," I said

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/garbagearmy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 12 2018
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What do you call Postman Pat when he retires?

Pat.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 16
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/fingerofblame
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 31 2017
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I hope when an actor retires they start making music.

Cause I'd love to hear some Rock covers

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Sub03
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 27 2018
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"I want to retire to Switzerland"

"They're so optimistic, even their flag is a big plus" Good one, Dad.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/zombiejesus1991
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 09 2013
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My dad could retire on this joke

My mom tried to steal a fry from my dad's plate at dinner.

Dad: Hey! I'm going to eat that!

Mom: Sorry, I didn't know. I don't want it to go to waste.

Dad: You mean you don't want it to go to MY waist!

He snickered proudly as he chomped the fried tater.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/megannotmeagan
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 13 2014
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Why did the turtle retire and move to the south pole?

He couldn't handle any more hare-racing adventures

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 22 2020
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