Did you put the dog out?
I didn't know it was on fire!
What kind of alert do the police put out when someone steals your fire?
"Dad can you put the cat out?"
"Sorry I didn't know it was on fire again"
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I'd put the mask on before I left for work this morning......
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
I put up a random movie, turns out it was about the invention of the tampon
I didn’t expect it to be a period piece
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.
I put out a weekly audio show about the history of fish.
I get so much anxiety trying to figure out what to put my arrows in…
During my first ultrasound, the nurse pulled out the device that goes inside, and put a condom on it.
My kid's dad says, "Oh, so that's how you keep from coming here."
Actual, horribly painful dad joke.
I used to know a guy who was all about getting his waffle in the morning. That's all he'd talk about! He'd even take people's toast out of the toaster and put in his waffles.
Me: I'm going to grow out the hair on my upper lip, then shave it, put it in a box, and hide that box.
Wife: Why...?
Me: It's going to be my secret stash
I was checking out at the grocery store and the cashier didn’t put the batteries in the same bag with my food and I said it’s cool go ahead and put them in the same bag I don’t care he looked at me with a straight face and said…
Is that how you get your electrolytes?
Did you hear the supermarket took its entire breakfast aisle, put it on a truck, and started giving items out all over town?
They call it the Universal Cereal Bus.
I put my clothes in the washing machine yesterday and all of them came out with a picture of Santa on it.
I shouldn’t have used the Yule Tide Detergent.
BREAKING NEWS: The man who wrote the hokey pokey died today, according to officials they struggled getting him into the body bag because they put his right leg in, then his right leg out, in out in out they shook it all about.
What does a pimp use to put out fires?
I couldn’t figure out how to put my seatbelt on
Why are circus fires hard to put out?
I've been having the most difficult time figuring out what audio system to put in my car.
I hate making decisions based on stereotypes.
I took apart the coffee maker to clean it but can't figure out how to put it back together.
My wife says this is grounds for divorce...
My pork belly on the stove caught on fire and my wife put it out.
She really saved my bacon.
How do you put out a cotex thats on fire?
Why did Gotham PD put out a warrant for Batman?
He was wanted for assault and.... Bat-tery.
This is very punny! (someone put me out of my misery)
I just found out my girlfriend puts ice in her milk
Our relationship’s on the rocks
I decided not to put my watch on today before going out.
I wanted to have a timeless look.
How many firefighters does it take to put out an Amazon rainforest fire?
Put a nickel in a cage, then take it out. Nickeless Cage
Company came over and we had nothing in the house, so my wife wanted to put out my gourmet cheeses. I refused but she said I had to be a good host
What did the man put in his eye to stop tears coming out?
Wife: honey put out the trash
Why, I didn’t know it was on fire
One night she told me to put out the garbage.
I told her “you cooked it, you take it out”.
What do you call stupid ants that put out fires?
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
I was in the queue for a nightclub. Just as I was about to walk in the bouncers put their arms out to stop me.
They said, "You can't come in, we're full."
I said, "I'll come back when you're hungry then."
There was a whole wave of people quitting smoking when a government body put out a warning on cigarettes.
It was a surge in general.
As we were heading out the door, my son plopped down on the floor, hoisted both of his feet into the air, looked up at me and screeched, "Daddy, put my shoes on please!"
I looked down at him and chuckled, “I think my feet are too big.”
LPT: Want beer but are too young to buy it? Buy rootbeer and put it in a square glass. The square cancels out the root and all that's left is beer!
reddit.com/r/ShittyLifePr…
"Dad, can you put the cat out?"
"I didn't know it was on fire."
Doctor: your brain fell out during the accident but don't worry I put it back in
Me: thanks for reminding me
I couldn’t figure out how to put my seatbelt
Dad can you put the cat out?
I didn't know it was on fire
I couldn’t figure out how to put my seatbelt on
Dad can u put the cat out?
I didn't know it was on fire
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