Gonna brew and market my own beer, and call it βResponsibly.β
Advertising slogan will be a doddle: βPlease drink Responsibly.β
π︎ 13
π
︎ May 30 2020
Please Drink Responsibly
π︎ 26
π
︎ Jul 07 2018
Told my dad I was cold, his response was to tell me to stand in the corner
π︎ 12
π
︎ Dec 04 2020
Told my dad I took care of getting the propane tanks at the house filled. His response?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 23 2020
Torque appropriated circumstances call for -in kind- repeat applied force when concerned with most of yer dried and salted pork products and jovial responses.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Oct 19 2020
Man: Iβm so sorry Iβm late for my ship cleaning job. What are my responsibilities?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Nov 27 2020
Officer : Sir, Maβam, Iβm afraid your child was responsible for burning the building.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
Well calculated response
π︎ 9k
π
︎ May 16 2020
Great power, great responsibility, etc.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
Iβve recently discovered Iβm terrified of elevators, so Iβm taking steps to avoid them.
I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but Iβm slowly getting over them!
UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers.
You make the world a happier place! π€©
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Nov 12 2020
The WHO have a German Doctor now heading up their COVID response..
.. He's Dr Hans Sanitizer.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Sep 11 2020
Interviewer: We only hire people who are responsible.
Me: Well, your search ends today.
At my previous job, whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.
π︎ 801
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
Take responsibility for your actions.
π︎ 112
π
︎ Jul 30 2020
You know, in this job we really need someone who is responsible
The man thinks for a moment, and then replies, βI am perfect for you. In my last job, lots of things went badly wrong and they always said I was responsible.β
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 11 2020
In response to the American coin shortage, Canada has committed to providing the U.S. aid
π︎ 36
π
︎ Jul 30 2020
My girlfriend asked me if I could help bleach her hair. To my response:
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 20 2020
Whenever someone asks me if I prefer maples, elms, or oaks, my response is always the same:
"It's not a poplar tree contest."
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jul 19 2020
I called my friend to tell him about my big promotion and how it comes with a lot of new responsibilities now that I'm running the business. He asked what my new job was and how I was holding up.
I told him "I'm generally managing"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 21 2020
Elephant response
My four year old granddaughter just came home from the zoo and asked why elephants have trunks. I did not miss a beat and replied they have too much stuff for a suitcase.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 08 2020
My response when asked why I go around healing blind people:
Youβll see. Youβll all see.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 07 2020
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Sep 06 2019
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Nov 08 2019
I asked my daughter if she wanted to go to the store with me. She said βIβm good.β
π︎ 33
π
︎ Nov 16 2020
Settle a pun debate
I asked two friends for the best pun Bond would utter if he'd just shoved a bad guy into a huge industrial deep-fat fryer. Their responses were:
Friend #1: "Play with fryer, get burnt.
(Isn't there an old saying of don't play with fire unless you want to get burnt?)"
Friend #2: "Why is my instinct to say cool off there?
Let's assume it's christmas. 'Thats a real Crisped Kringle' is what I'd say
Or do I know the guy's dad? Let's say I do. 'Youre a chip of the old block'"
I know, I need new friends. Do me a favour redditors and please tell me whose pun is least awful? And if you have any better ones, I'm all ears! (Mine was "Thank God it's fry day", I'm sure you can all do better).
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Aug 24 2019
Response to any time your child asks you when something happened.
Well son, you were in Baghdad back then.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 03 2020
The response time was very slow
π︎ 9
π
︎ May 01 2020
Why wouldn't the Republicans impeach Donald Trump?
They insist on bringing a baby to full term.
π︎ 216
π
︎ Sep 08 2020
What is the second to last letter of the alphabet?
π︎ 269
π
︎ Aug 15 2020
I almost missed my cake day!
That would have been real crumby.
Edit: thanks for the gifts! Iβve never felt so kneaded.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ May 21 2020
Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...
...so thatβs just being hippocritical...
π︎ 28
π
︎ Apr 28 2020
Pizza Cheese
My friend just told me that pizza restaurantsβ mozzarella is actually blended with provolone to make it more affordable and my only response was
βThey cut the cheese?!β
And Iβve been laughing hysterically at my own joke for 10 minutes
π︎ 11
π
︎ Nov 29 2020
It's cloudy all over just now.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ May 02 2020
My last job was at the Scrabble factory.
I was responsible for making the T.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
My transformation is almost complete
So my wife is currently working from home and her employer decided to send her a hamper package in the mail. It was quite nice but pretty standard stuff. Wine, some cookies, crackers and also a bottle extra virgin olive oil (came with a cheese platter kit)
Wife was pretty happy about the fancy packaging and showed it to me saying "look they even sent extra virgin olive oil in this little fancy bottle for cheese platters!"
My response? "Aww that poor olive oil bottle never had sex? So sad!"
...Pls send help
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
My response to my wifeβs update to friends and family regarding my surgery
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 02 2020
What did the yoga instructor say in response to the eviction notice?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 31 2020
π︎ 245
π
︎ Aug 24 2019
No response yet
π︎ 39
π
︎ Aug 22 2019
The purrfect response
π︎ 12
π
︎ Dec 18 2019
Hope this one doesnβt blow up on me.
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Feb 21 2020
Never ask a horse for advice.
They are a bunch of neigh sayers.
π︎ 86
π
︎ Jul 19 2020
President Trump just picked a fish to lead the coronavirus response team
Heβs the Sturgeon General
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 21 2020
So the customer asks the chef if anyone orders steak raw and the waiter replied βyeh but thatβs rareβ
π︎ 19
π
︎ Aug 22 2020
My grandpa was responsible for downing 43 German planes in WW2.
To this day he still holds the record as the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jun 23 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.