I was talking to a friend till early in the morning when suddenly there was a huge thud and it scared her, when she went to investigate she saw a very confused deer in her back yard who had somehow hit the side of the house while running from something.
Her: it's seriously a deer, it looks hurt. How did it hit my house?
Me: maybe he's drunk.
Her: yeah, the deer is drunk.
Me: yeah! he spent his last few bucks at the bar!
Her: ...stop.
Still proud of it.
I haven't told my wife because I know she's going to be really upset.
But I know the thyme is cumin
Now I got too much clap clap thyme on my hands
You stay here, I'll go on ahead.
Haven’t confronted her yet but the thyme is cumin.
Right next to the rosemary!
I slept on a pool table once, I didn't like how it felt.
She doesn’t know it yet, but her thyme’s cumin
Well, that was a waste of thyme.
"Did she notice yet?" "No but the thyme is cumin."
He was fired for having his head in the cloud.
So I got her a magazine rack
It was a salt and peppery.
I lost track of all of space and thyme
I said, “We haven’t even started. How lazy are you?”
The best of Thymes, and the worst of Thymes.
I work for a wholesaler and was at a store the other day putting together a Hostess rack. I had a pair of scissors in my hand and was cutting some label strips when I heard from behind me:
"That Hostess guy is a real cut-up."
I turned around and there was on older guy behind me grinning away (they always have the best puns), Low and behold, right there on the rack was my response. I reached up and grabbed a pack of Zingers and said:
"Yes, I always have a few zingers up my sleeve."
Puns for Educated Minds ...
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The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
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I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
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She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
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A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
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No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
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A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
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A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
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Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
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A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.. The police are looking into it.
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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
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I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
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A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
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The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
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The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
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A backward poet writes inverse.
18.. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
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When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
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If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
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A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22.. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
23.. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24.. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
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There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
You gotta try the Orlando Bloomin Onion
I don’t know where he finds the thyme
One is a rack of lamb and the other is a lack of RAM.
But I know my thyme is cumin
It was a Miss Tree to me.
It's okay, though. They just roll with it.
She was just giving me a hard thyme
It's a stocking cap.
My husband and I used to work at a casino and we would cook pizzas. Our pizza crusts were kept on shelves in a walk in cooler. One day my husband came up to me and said,
"Do you know why all our pizza crusts have PTSD? Because they came from a rack!"
To this day my brain still hurts when I think about it.
Evils Parsley
I said, "Not yet, we've only just started"
Their thyme is cumin
She hasn't noticed yet... but the thyme is cumin.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
You stay here. I’ll go on a head.
She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.
She doesn’t know yet. But the thyme is cumin.
I just couldn't find the thyme.
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin...
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes
You stay here. I'll go on a head.
You go on ahead, I’ll stay here.
I'll go on ahead.
One says to the other; "You stay here, I'll go on a head"
... but the Thyme is Cumin!
One hat says to the other, "you wait here, I'll go on a head."
Goodbye for now, I’m leaving on ahead...
