What has four legs, two mouths, is very scary and has the power to make a man suffer indescribable torment?

My pregnant wife.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
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Not a dad, but I hope you can torment your kids with this one.

So, Arthur's dad is writing a letter to his sister when he suddenly feels a sharp pain in his hand. So he yells,



"Yeah, Dad, what's going on?"


"Dad, what's wrong?"

Quick, don't ask any questions. I'm going to say some words and you write them down.

"Why can't you write them down?"

Arthur, write this.

(If it doesn't make sense, read the last line out loud.)

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/tiltedlens
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2017
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After years of torment, I finally got my dad back at lunch today

We met up at a restaurant, and I ordered some kind of fancy taco. Halfway through the meal, he looks over at the dribbling mess my taco had become and says, "Looks like your taco has a leak."

I carefully set the taco down, opened it up, peered at it for a moment, and replied, "Nope, I think that's an onion."

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hollowbody57
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2016
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Was told you would like this: As kids on the way to McDonald's, my father used to torment us to the point of tears by telling us we were going to the fictional Wong's House of Liver instead...

This is what I got him for Christmas this year:


πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheHoneyBear
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
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I tormented my child with something that is barely even a pun.

(Background: β€œSans” is the name of a character in a video game.)

me: If Sans were playing D’n’D and rolled a critical hit, would that be a β€œsans-crit”?

child: Please don’t talk to me.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ‘€︎ u/jacknutting
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2018
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What do the grief-stricken and tormented eat for breakfast?

Anguish muffins

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/FajitaPants
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2018
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Brought a tear to my eye

I'm currently teaching at a summer program for kids going into 1st grade through 6th grade. I've been using the opportunity to relentlessly torment the kids with dadjokes and puns, naturally.

This morning, one of my 6 year olds was having breakfast. She looked down at the oatmeal and said "Oooh, this is hot, and I'm cold."

She then instantly looked up at me and insisted "Don't call me cold, don't call me cold, don't call me cold!"

I'm so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/dakana
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2015
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Wanna hear a dirty joke?

A white horse fell in the mud.

I always hated this joke. Figured I'd let it torment you too.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ‘€︎ u/pickle2tickle
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2017
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My father's goto joke-I've heard it a million times.

An old-slow snail decides one day that he has had enough of the townsfolk belittling him for his pace. He spends about three-days making his way over to the Car-Dealership so that he can buy himself a sports car.

While at the dealership he asks the salesman if they will customize his Corvette for him. The Salesman replies, "Sure! What can we do for you!?"

The snail replies, "I would like you to paint a big, red "S" on the side of my car?"

The salesman says, confused, "Of course we can."

The customization is done and the Salesman turns to the Snail and says, "We're all finished, but I have to ask---While looking through your information I couldn't find any reason why you would want an 'S' on your car---Your first or last name doesn't start with 'S', So--Why the heck did you want that 'S' on your car?!"

The Snail turns to him and replies gently- " For years I have been tormented by the people of my town, and now I'll get to fly by them in my fancy sports-car, and they'll all say: 'Wow! Look at that 'S' Car go!"

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ‘€︎ u/zjaws88
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2013
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