Last week, I went from agony to ecstasy in a span of a few days.

At this rate, I’ll finish reading the dictionary in a month or so.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My Dad got me when I was 16, bleeding in a field and in agony.

I was 16 and at a rowing regatta I was competing in. It was middle of the day and very hot everyone was under these massive gazebo/tent structures with big guide wires and these huge rusty steel tent pegs sledgehammered into the dirt.

Anyways I was running late for my race and my crew were yelling at me so I started running. The shortest way was through the spectator area on a big downhill towards the water so at full pace I went that way.

About halfway the top of my barefoot trips on the rusted top of one of these steel pegs and I fall face first and tumble through the dirt with my foot and ankle split open.

People run from all directions, medical staff etc someone holds a towel over my head for shade and I see my dad. He's looking down at me but it's hard to see through the dirt in my eyes and people around.

He asks "bloody hell mate, what happened?".

In agony I manage a "I kicked a tent peg".

He knelt down beside me, looked me in the eye and said "how far did it go?"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sennais1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
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Why are bakers in France always in agony?

Because to the French, bread is pain.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandehmand
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
🚨︎ report
friend asked me "have you ever felt the agony of defeat?"

i said "of course, these shoes are killing me!"

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HaddockMaster
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Getting Into A Guillotine Backwards Is The True Meaning Of The Agony Of Defeet
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scarydrew
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Four men are sitting in a hospital waiting room because their wives are all giving birth,

A nurse comes up to the first man and says, β€œCongratulations! You are the proud father of a pair of twins!”

β€œThat’s funny...” the man said, β€œI work for Twin Peaks!”

Another nurse comes into the room and goes to the second man and says, β€œCongratulations! Your wife has just given birth to triplets!”

β€œThat’s funny...” the second man said, β€œ I work for the 3M company!”

Yet another nurse comes into the room and says to the third man, β€œCongratulations! Your wife has just given birth to quadruplets!”

β€œThat’s so funny...” said the third man, β€œI work at the Four Seasons Hotel!”

The last man is groaning and whining in obvious agony, β€œWhat’s wrong?” the other men ask.

β€œI work at Seven Eleven.” He replied.

Happy Fathers Day!

πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NighTraiN7804
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Marathon runners with bad footwear

suffer the agony of defeat.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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My girlfriend and I smashed toes trying to kiss each other

I replied in agony nice toe meet you.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/djv1018
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Well, at least someone cares..
πŸ‘︎ 321
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kash2892
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do people with foot fetishes never win?

Because they like the taste of defeat.

πŸ‘︎ 333
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wwrxw
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Why can't many people move to the metric system?

They are suffering from the agony of de feet.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My brother and I made a bet as to who could walk barefoot on Legos on the floor. I lost the bet.

I suffered the agony of defeat.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad, I have sand in my shoes.

Really? I have feet in mine.

No dad! It really hurts.

That's called agony of defeat.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Inch-Allah
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2014
🚨︎ report
I went for a walk once and got lost for several days

I had agony of de feets

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yumebaka
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Bob got into a horrible accident and had to have his legs amputated below the ankles.

The suffered the agony of de-feet.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CobraPony67
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
🚨︎ report
While visiting family for Thanksgiving, my wife and I saw a nice bicycle laying, unlocked, beside a tree across the street.

Wife: Huh, looks like someone left their bike there.
Someauthor: No, no. It's lying down because it's two-tired.
Wife: uughhhh
Someauthor's Dad: Nice! That was a really good one, well done.
Wife: uugghhhhhhh (with deeper agony)
Someauthor: I think I leveled up.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/someauthor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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My dad after coming out of an eleven week coma

I was just randomly visiting my dad. He woke up when i was there. He opens his eyes, he's in agony and uses, what looks like all his strength to raise his finger pulse oximeter and says "E.T phone..... your mother"

I just remembered this. It was 20 years ago and I'm happy to say he is still telling terrible jokes to this day

πŸ‘︎ 114
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baskmeollox
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2015
🚨︎ report
What is a pronoun?

I was testing my daughter over dinner tonight..

What is an Adjective? I asked.

Daughter: it describes something.

What is a noun?

Daughter: A person, place, or thing.

What is a pronoun?

Daughter:.... I don't remember...

Me: "It's a person, place, or thing that does that for a living."

My wife actually laughed out loud at this one! first time she's ever laughed at a dad joke! Once I explained it my daughter just groaned in agony. I'm so proud... of myself!

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucky5150
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2016
🚨︎ report
My husband's dad game is getting much better.

Yesterday, I was running back from the school bus after asking the driver to give me a moment because my disabled son had had an accident and I was about finished cleaning him up. It was raining and muddy and I was in my bare feet, but this is the norm out here.

On the way back I managed to get my big toenail ripped up off the nailbed down to about halfway to the cuticle. Never done that before in 31 years, and oh my, I have to say it was a whole different level of exquisite agony when I finally noticed it. Funny how you never notice things like that until you see all the blood and how it doesn't even hurt until you touch it.

Sparing you the details of tracking in blood for five minutes before I even noticed I'd done it, the husband cringed quite a bit when he got home from work and saw it.

Fast forward to today--my period started and I had one hell of a headache all day long. He gets home from work and asks, "you ok, babe?" Because I'm usually pretty cheerful when he walks in the door, but today I was cranky as fuck.

"Eh, period started. Headache. Glad you're home, I can take a pain pill and you can watch the kids."

"Oh." He looked me up and down slowly and grinned. "So... now you're hurting from head... to toe?"

Motherfucker.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmutGoddess
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2015
🚨︎ report
Nurse taking out my bedpan after #2s.

Told nurse she had a crappy job. Rest of the patients groaned. (not sure if it was all my joke or they were just in general agony)

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonty57
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2014
🚨︎ report
Trash talking my golf buddy this morning

Him: I have blisters from my new shoes!

Me: that's not going to be your only agony of de feet!

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dunkledunkle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad Joke Daily - Cheeta, Cheetah

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xX2LYyaaaU

Michael explores the agony of the zoo and talks about the regal and elegant Cheetah...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/impulsive-ideas
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad joked the girlfriend

Covered my eye pretending to be in agony.

Gf: "are you ok?"

Me: "its.....it's my left eye, it's not right"

Gf: (slightly panicked) "what's the matter"??

Me: "it's left." :D

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinkle84
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Just this past week, I went from agony to ecstasy.

At this rate, I’ll finish reading the dictionary in about a month.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I went from Agony to Ecstasy over the past 7 days.

At this rate, I’ll be able to finish reading the dictionary in about a month.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
🚨︎ report

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