Have you seen his Electric Revenue?
Dad: "I am."
They can buy the rest of the shoes themselves for all I care...
He was coffin.
I'm going to call it IP in Pools
Sails are through the roof!
It was very illuminating.
I would have predicted a trial period.
As a sole provider they'll likely get you something that's laced.
You totally should. It's legion-dairy.
IS AN AMPERERER
A wireless hop-spot.
Another season, another bad crop.
My job is in raisin awareness.
but they had 0 interest
I wrote “Birth control.”
I told her she should probably talk to a priest instead.
It provides me energy and it’s also my biggest fan.
Serves him white.
We really need a faster wife-eye provider.
I love you Google
I’m not happy with my current provider.
He calls it The Tooth, the Whole Tooth, and Nothing but the Tooth.
So help me Gauze.
I don't know if this is allowed but I'm running out of ideas. I'm trying to make puns dealing with candies relating to the words "Leadership", "Service", and either "Fellowship" or "friendship". I figured this is the place of experts and hoped you could provide me with a solution. I'm planning on using this for big little reveal in my fraternity.
Thanks again ahead of time!
providing context cause it caught me off guard which made it more funny.
Bro: If Pinocchio said his nose is about to grow, would it grow or would it not grow?
Me: I don’t know, you’ve created a paradox.
Bro: I created two doctors?
Me, to dog: "It's cold out, I don't want to walk you, just go do your business in the yard."
Husband (providing dog's voice): "I'm not incorporated."
"No, ask me tomorrow."
Courteously provided by my father.
The year is 1541 and the French have just begun colonization in North America. Young Jean-Luc is in his newly crafted home when suddenly his friend Jean-Pierre bursts through his front door. 'Jean Luc!' he exclaims. 'You weel nevar believe! I 'ave 'eard word of a bacon tree!'. Jean-Luc looks confused and scoffs 'Imposseeble! You cannot grow BaycON on a tree!'. 'Come! And I weel show you ze bacon tree!'. So Jean-Luc & Jean-Pierre set off down the river, with Jean-pierre providing direction to the enigmatic 'bacon tree'. Finally, they pulled over onto a small beach that lead to a large forest. 'Stay 'ere and watch ze canoe, and I weel bring ze bacon back from ze bacon tree!' said John-Pierre. Hours go by and John-Pierre hasn't returned. As night falls, and Jean-Luc is about to enter the forest to look for his friend, he hears a rustling in the nearby brush, to which Jean-Pierre stumbles out, bloody and with arrows through his legs and arms. 'Jean-Pierre! What 'appened!!' exclaim... keep reading on reddit ➡
Me: banging an ice cube tray on the kitchen counter to get the ice out
Dad: Who's making all that racket?
Me: Me, I'm trying to break the ice
Dad: Why, is nobody talking to you? Ahahaaaaaaa.
Dad goes back to eBay
I'll call it "Tailor Swift"
Her: "I remember hearing last year that the Corn Festival in Sun Prairie is pretty fun, want to go?"
Me: "I'm in but it'd better be aMAIZEing"
Through their cellular providers.
I am a mail clerk at a huge office. I dropped this while delivering boxes today:
Me: (Knock Knock) Hey Karen, I've got something for you. (Hand her a box.)
Karen: OOO What is it?
Me: Its a box.
I was checking the weather and the forecast for Sunday said "Potential for significant icing"
Dad: "Chocolate or vanilla?"
I was watching a singing competition on TV (The Voice) with my parents and I noticed that one of the judges had bleached his hair. I turned over to my mom and asked...
Me: "Mom, why did Adam bleach his hair?" Dad: "He had a blonde moment."
doing some last minute marketing, anyone can provide me medical related avengers/marvel pun? no matter how bad it is
Sitting in the Chinese Restaurant, my dad is reading the broken English menu and says:
Dad: Does this dish come out with Beethoven playing?
Me: What? Why?
Dad: Well it's under 'classical dishes'.
Google is useless- I tried searching up lighters, but it just gave me 13,756,072 matches.
Explanation- Matches refers to a substitute for a lighter, but also to the search results that Google provides :)
It provides you with indoor fins
I propose we start a daily competition.
Each day the winner of the pervious days thread provides the word for the day.
Then you lovely lot will go off into reddit and try make the best pun around that word/phrase you can, and link your best result in that days thread. The comment with the most up votes wins for the day. Only one pun per account per day.
Ill start with a relatively easy one: Pun
Being very curious, I then ask "what service does your horse provide?" and the passenger replies "when I fall down it helps me giddy up!".
After all, I provided the seed money.
Okay so the animals have been on the ark for thirty days and thirty nights and frankly they are getting bored. So to provide entertainment B-Deck challenges C-Deck to a game of football. They get it all set up and begin play. B-Deck makes some early gains but C-Deck is unstoppable. They have Rhinoceros and once he gets going you cant stop him. Soon the first half is over and the score is 24-7. The second half begins and while in the huddle Rhinoceros looks over at B-Decks defensive line and sees Centipede on their defensive line. "Give me the ball," he says, "There aren't going to be any centipedes in the new world because I'm crushing this one right here and right now" The Center snaps the ball and the quarterback hands it off to Rhinoceros who begins charging down Centipede. Centipede rears up grabs Rhinoceros by the legs and SLAMS him to the deck. Ball pops loose, centipede grabs the ball. He's rushing down the field weaving in and out and TOUCHDOWN!!! The crowd goes wild! C-Deck's... keep reading on reddit ➡
He is there to provide fire support.
His provider was Virgin Mobile.
"Do you guys provide free home delivery?" I asked.
"Yes sir, we do," said the bloke.
"That's great," I replied, "I would like to have a 2 bedroom apartment."
You provide enough evidance.
Because they provide great morel support.
(This is more parody/satire than a pun, but I tried to make sure it had puns.)
No more than half the people attending can wear trucker hats.
The fences must be measured and spaced using meters. It doesn't matter if you're putting them in someone's yard.
If you pull up a fence post, you cannot reuse it. In fact, you cannot use recycled posts from other people's yards.
Don't keep up with the Jones'. But if you can't avoid this, make sure you give the Jones' the credit due for coming up with it first.
You can bring lunch as sort of a potluck affair, but do not bring canned meat products from Hormel.
If you bring a fence post, it must look like a fence post. If it might be confused with something else, make sure the box or protective wrapping calls it a fence post.
When announcing the event, you are not allowed to make references to punch or people getting in line for punch. Just like Fight Club...
For now, we have no rule about promoting one stock car event ov... keep reading on reddit ➡
But he was able to provide Foo Tractor authentication.
Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! I’m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you don’t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.
Just like me, it’s been around the birthday block a few times, but there’s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If you’re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what you’re thinking, “I bet this is a junker”, but you’d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body I’ve ever had my hands on.
What’s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed becau... keep reading on reddit ➡
A dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
By the way he does not need to pay for medical insurance.
He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.......
A dog is like a “POLITICIAN”
They found all the parts that they needed on online, and we're ready to order. Right before Abraham hit the Checkout button, Isaac reviewed the contents of the order:
Isaac: "Dad, you're missing the memory."
Abraham: "God will provide the RAM."
... My youngling asked me this after encountering a refrigerator in any unexpected location. My natural response was "r", but I was way off, apparently. The provided answer seemed on par for this sub, and I have never heard this joke before. I got a kick out of it. I hope you enjoy it too.
Family and I went on a fancy boat tour of a local rich lake. The captain provided a running narrative over the intercom about the history of the houses, etc.
Captain: You'll notice all the piers look the same on the lake. There's no law governing that, everyone just agrees they should use the same color and materials. Some might call that "pier pressure."
Me: I think we need to dock him some points for that one...
Wife: (groans and pretends not to know me)
Greeting punny people, I require your services to name an upcoming show on my YouTube channel.
The show will be about my first impressions on indie games that have been provided to me by developers. I need a humorous name that includes the word "indie" somehow.
Example: I have another show where I cover games over on Itch.io that I call "Scratching The Itch.io".
Thou shalt be credited for the name during the first episode.
provide a way to rhyme with purple.
If you're clumsy, and a door inj-
ures you, that rhymes with orange.
From movie puns we provide you the funniest collection of Star Wars puns
What do you call 5 siths piled on top of a lightsaber? A Sith-Kabob!
Why does Princess Leia keep her hair tied up in buns? So it doesn’t Hang Solow!
Why shouldn’t you ask Yoda for money? Because he’s always a little short
What program do Jedi use to view PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi
What do you call a Mexican jedi? Obi-Juan Kenobi
What do you call the website Chewbacca started that gives out Empire secrets? Wookieeleaks
What do you call a Jedi in denial? Obi-Wan Cannot Be
Where does Princess Leia go shopping for clothing? At the Darth Maul
Greg: Which Star Wars character travels around the world? Craig: Who? Greg: Globi-wan Kenobi!
Matthew: What does a Star Destroyer wear to a wedding? Daniel: What? Matthew: Bow ties, of course!
Deen Why was the droid angry? Mark: Why? Deen People kept pushing its but... keep reading on reddit ➡
I am just providing some contexts
They provide the cutting edge technology
Happened earlier today, Mom was on the phone trying to set up the direct debit payment with the phone provider.
Dad: "How's it going?"
Mom: "He (call centre employee) says he's going to send me a mandate to fill in"
Dad: "That's fine, but you're definitely not going on any mandate!"
Mother was not amused... I was...
David Justice (MLB Commentators provide an endless flow of Dad Jokes)
she finds one that she likes and says "look this one comes with a free gym" to which I respond "Do you have to provide him with a bed and food?" Silence. Glares and silence.
So there I was in the process of helping him walk back to his room. During the walk I happen to look over and he is grimacing in pain with a look of disgust. As a worried healthcare provider, I ask him,
"Patient, you look like you're in pain, how do you feel"?
Without skipping a beat, he looks up into my eyes and with a trembling voice through the pain he replies..
"with my hands"
I was taken aback, not realizing what had just happened to me. He then smiled and startled to chuckle, and only then did I realize I had just been had by a dad and started to laugh myself.
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
Yesterday I was at a Thai Buddhist temple in my city. The secondary meditation instructor was just chatting with the group a bit before things began. He was explaining to me that on Sundays the temple has language classes. Someone else asked if he spoke Thai, he then explained to us that he didn't complete all the courses and considers himself.......A Thai School Drop out.
I laughed so much harder than I should have at this, mainly because I had been trying to think of some dadjokes earlier that day. Universe provided.
The other day he wanted to ask me a math question, "Let's say a lightning bolt strikes a mile long metal train at the very back end. How long until it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he is a good conductor?" He sat there with his mouth open and a bad joke eel smile, waiting for me to laugh.
Last time I went home, dad had a friend over who shared with us the struggles he now encountered with providing daily basic care for his own aging, terminally-ill father.
"You just can't imagine right now," he assured me, "what it's like to wipe your own father's ass after helping him off the toilet."
"Yeah, well I'm sure you're right," I responded, "but I certainly can imagine it's pretty awkward. He's all bent over. You're back there trying to clean him up and pretend everything's normal, of course he's gonna be fine, when suddenly your eyes meet. With his voice filled with pride, he says, "that's a real good wipe, son."
My dad and his friend laughed their asses off.
Jonathan Davis brought the corn and Fred Durst made biscuits but they were a little too limp. Marshal Mathers wasn't prepared, so all he could provide was some M&M's. Neil Peart had to leave early because he was in a rush, and the meal was so bad that it disturbed David Draimen.
Please help me provide science puns. Particularly in physics would help a lot more