(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...

The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.

Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.

The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:

"What's sarong with that?"

I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).

His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.

--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)

--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/zipflop
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If my son ever came out to be trans then I wouldnโ€™t have a son anymore

I would have a daughter

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Ah yes, pretty hip
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/entertainer011
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Dis-a-
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/krismoff
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What is the fastest growing city in the world?

Capital of Ireland

It's Dublin everyday

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PeaPanties
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Don't know if this was posted here before
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/choclite69
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Bill and Melinda Gates got divorced. Melinda got the house...

But Bill kept the Windows

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ScubaPride
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What the fuck has happened to this sub!?

http://m.imgur.com/ImM3RWz

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FwootHotCaacon
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Such a pointless conversation.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/david_pridson
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From my 5-year-old son: "Hey"

True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."

I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"

He responds, "it's dead grass."

I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"

.

.

.

He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.

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If you slap Dwayne Johnsons butt

You officially hit rock bottom

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/joeytherealking
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Bit coin or something idk
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/naughtyballsack
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What rhymes with orange.

No it doesn't.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Remo1975
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There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.

And then you will all be sorry.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
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My Bluetooth speaker wasnโ€™t working so I threw it into the lake.

Now itโ€™s syncing.

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In surgery my doctor said, "So what do we have here?" I replied that I broke my arm in 12 places."

He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheAzrael2013
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I told my wife I saw a deer on the way to work.

She said how do you know he was headed to work?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PensionNo8124
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To the person who stole my MS Office License.

I will find you. You have my Word.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Regclusive
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Water pun
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/duckykitty7
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In honor of Motherโ€™s Day, Iโ€™d just like to say,

โ€œthank you for your cervix.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rusto_Dusto
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I've started a boat building business in my attic...

...sails are going through the roof.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xholdsteadyx
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He is right there...
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Sponge bob | (โ€ข)(โ€ข) | , Patrick / (โ€ข)(โ€ข) \ , Squidward ( (โ€ข)(โ€ข) ) , Plankton | (โ€ข) | , Mr. Krabs |โ€ข| |โ€ข|

Made me smile

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/marinmarge
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I got banned from /r/DadJokes for posting, "Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!"

Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
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What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?

A taxi

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SubstantialBelly6
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Initially I didnโ€™t believe that my chiropractor was any good.

But now I stand corrected.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
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*Triggering britishers*
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Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!

Wait. Sorry, wrong sub.

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And on that note
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My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an Ewok....

Wookie mistake.

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I'm so proud. My 12-year old told this joke during dinner: What degree does Dr. Pepper have?

Theoretical Fizz-ics

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Knight Knight
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originally posted on r/tumblr by u/MaetelofLaMetal
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Why is Dark spelled with a โ€˜Kโ€™ and not a โ€˜Cโ€™?

Because you canโ€™t โ€˜Cโ€™ in the dark

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He gave the toy horses a home in his ___
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It is
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/egyptiancowboy05
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My Dad just sent me this
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My wife said, โ€œI donโ€™t really understand the science behind human cloning.โ€

I said, โ€œThat makes two of us.โ€

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There were 30 cows and 28 chicken. How many didn't?
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My grandfather was always terrible until I had my first child

Now heโ€™s a great grandfather

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ErnestEugeneBoggs
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I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...

so I had to ground him.

He's doing better currently.

And conducting himself properly.

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This one cracked me
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
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Did you know that before crowbars were invented...

Crows mostly drank alone.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/eggsinthebaler
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What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/buttered_t0asties
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Found one of our own
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TheIronPumpkin
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Music puns sometimes hit the high notes
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My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

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