What do you call someone who pretends to love classical music?
What do you call a talentless bee that pretends to be famous?
What do you call someone who pretends to be Swedish?
What's the difference between an orchestral piece of music divided into 3 or 4 movements and a man who pretends to be obsessed with a particular woman?
One is a symphony and the other is a phony simp!
My ex GF pretends she's a crooked cop....
No matter who's around, she'll just pick a guy and handcuff him overnight.
What do you call a pepperoni who pretends to be something he's not?
I know a guy that pretends to take pictures for a living
My neighbor kept running across my lawn and then pretends to get blown up by explosives.
I’m tired of his mine games.
Whenever my sprinter friend runs a race, he leans over and pretends to vomit
What do you call a person who pretends to be a college student?
I hired a babysitter the other day who pretends to be an owl
Called her a hootin' nanny
what do you call a model who pretends to like their job?
Ever since my wife got fired from the grocery store she developed a terrible disease where she pretends our house is the store and she stocks it full of different products.
It's called Stockholm syndrome
As a kid, my brother and I would pretend to be appliances around the house..
In therapy, we pretended to be water. I chose to be the ocean.
The therapist said I was missing the point of the exercise. Next time I'll try to be Pacific.
Me: Stop pretending to be a fish.
Her: What?
Me: Stop pretending to be a fish!!
Her: What are you talking about??
Me: Don’t play KOI with me!
My 9 year old son just asked me to pretend I was a police officer arresting him for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Me: Young man, you're under arrest for downloading the entire Wikipedia!
Him: I can explain everything!
(It's his best joke yet I think)
What do you call a noisy pigeon pretending to be a crow?
Why can't my kids stop laughing when I pretend to be a daddy squid?
They can't help it against my ten-tickles.
My wife hates how I always pretend we are on walkie-talkies
Wife: our relationship is over.
Me: our relationship is what? Over.
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her new Christmas present teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
My kids love to pretend they own a German restaurant
For me it's a Wurst-Käse scenario.
What do you call an Irish person pretending to be Dwayne Johnson?
what do you call a tiger pretending to be a fish
My niece asked me to pretend I’m a bicycle.
As a kid I often pretended to be sick to stay home and watch cartoons...
Nowadays I have no rugrats
I was in a band...
called Hinges... We opened for the Doors.
called White Line... We did middle of the road stuff.
Called Middle of the Road... We loved doing white lines 😉
Called Lost Cat... You probably saw our posters?
Called 999Mb.... We never had a gig.
Where we all had ADHD... We hated jamming.
That played U2 covers... Our gigs were pro Bono.
My daughter was pretending to be a poorly butterfly, my wife said “can’t you fly”…
My response… “I can’t believe your just butter”
Groan.
Pretender: (noun)
Chicken tender before cooking.
My kid asked me if I enjoyed pretending to be on the beach...
... I said I wasn't shore
If you were born in September, chances are…
Your parents probably started out the new year with a bang.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
Wrestling is so stupid....
Men with no pants, fighting for a belt.
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, all the other guests are supposed to pretend as if nothing happened.
Noble gases have no reaction.
My imaginary 10 year old daughter came up with this one
What do you call a hen that likes algebra?
Mathmachicken.
Did you know that Koi always travel in groups of four?
It's so the A-koi, the B-koi, and the C-koi can get away since predators always go after the D-koi.
I'm really bad at writing normal jokes
So I pretend I'm a Dad. Now I'm cleaning up. But no one believes me anymore.
She gets her way by pretending she's sad.
She's an expert in sighcology.
To my 7m/o
-
'Knock knock.'
-
Says nothing, obviously.
-
(More insistent) 'knock knock.'
-
Still, understandably - nothing.
-
(Even more insistent) 'KNOCK KNOCK.'
-
Silence. I wait a moment until I'm completely satisfied she won't say a word.
-
' That's right. There are Jehovah's Witnesses at the door and we are pretending we aren't home.'
What do you call someone who looks like a norse god?
How do you get a country girls attention?
Conversation my wife just had with our kids....
*4/yo is wrestling with 11/yo.
*11/yo rolls over and pretends to die.
Mom: He's dead you don't need to keep attacking him.
4/yo to 11/yo: You're a car now! Vroom.
Mom: What? He was dead and now he's a car?
11/yo: Yeah it's reinCARnation.
I got a girlfriend by pretending that I play football. My friends don't think it's going to last but I don't worry.
She thinks that I'm a keeper.
If you think 90 degrees is too hot then try to pretend you are a triangle.
From that angle, you’ll feel just right.
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...
“No thanks, I’m stuffed!"
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