You’ve heard of elf on a shelf but are you prepared for ?
πŸ‘οΈŽ 68
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/boombotser
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 09 2021
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Being prepared
πŸ‘οΈŽ 58
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Birthday_Euphoric
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 18 2021
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I'm not prepared
πŸ‘οΈŽ 86
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mathucub
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 13 2021
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Little know fact - Jesus was fully prepared to be crucified.

He was cross-training.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 46
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 05 2021
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Prepare to be swept away.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 23
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/shevelled
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 22 2021
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What animal is the best at preparing for trips?

Elemphants, cause they are pachyderms.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/zspratt
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 17 2021
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A man is preparing to cut down a tree in the forest.

The tree says, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"

The man replies, "You're going to dialogue."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 40
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Realistic-Twist-3112
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 12 2021
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I've just lost my job at the hospital, shaving patients in preparation for spinal surgery...

Because of all the cut backs.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 10 2021
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How do composers prepare vegetables?

With a Chopin board

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SQRL15
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 10 2021
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I don’t know what way I should prepare my eggs for breakfast this morning.

I am having an eggsistential crisis, here.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 05 2021
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I definitely feel like we didn't prepare enough for all of last year's terrible events.

But then, hindsight is always 2020.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 28 2021
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How does Michael jackson prepare his eggs?

He beats them

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/killer_sobe87
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 15 2021
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If I am ever in a sinking ship, I think I will be prepared.

If I am ever in a sinking ship, I think I will be prepared.

Because I have a list.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/glowing-fishSCL
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 12 2021
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I'm preparing to teach my son the alphabet.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 136
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ncsuandrew12
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 17 2020
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Man last year was pretty bad, but at least I’m prepared for this year.

Because in this case hindsight is actually 2020

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DadOnTheInternet
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 01 2021
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I’ve just been charged for using sandpaper to kill my victim.

I only wanted to rough him up a bit.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 87
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Anytime200
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 03 2021
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How do figure skaters prepare for competitions

Pract-ice

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/CriticalBiscuits
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 22 2020
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A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.

I think it was Scampoo.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/deceze
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 21 2020
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The missus has been missing for a week now. The police have told me to prepare for the worst...

So I have been back to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/the_houser
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 08 2020
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Son : "Hi Dad. I'm hungry", I am prepared for what he has to say.

Dad : let's order some food.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/johnreese421
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 20 2020
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How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party

They planet (plan it)

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/diejshehakdbakalq
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 29 2020
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I took my son camping the other day. As we prepared I hid in his luggage and when he came over I jumped out and screamed

SUPPLIES!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/diceblue
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 28 2020
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Why was the snowman embarrassed when people saw him buying a bag of carrots?

He got caught picking his nose!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 397
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/frugatti_cuse
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 24 2020
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What did the city man think to the farmer preparing fertilize?

What a load of crap!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DragonBilal074
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 18 2020
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Trump and Pence were preparing to leave the Whitehouse for a big rally. When the helicopter arrived, Trump wasn't ready yet, so Pence asked: "Do you want me to wait for you Mr. President?" ...

"No Mike, you fly on ahead and I'll catch up later".

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 15 2020
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If you walk into a forest and cut down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you cut it down.

Do you think it's stumped?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 39
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ZestycloseTelephone5
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 16 2021
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My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...

I was ready and wading!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 09 2020
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Germany Prepares for COVID-19
πŸ‘οΈŽ 50
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/dukofdeath
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 02 2020
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I had no idea what the word "edit" meant, so I checked in a dictionary

Edit: prepare (written material) for publication by correcting, condensing, or otherwise modifying it.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/jdefgh
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 10 2021
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What's it called when a Tibetan monk wants to kill a colleague, but needs spiritual preparation first?

A premeditated murder

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/BrotherTausil
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 12 2020
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What do you call someone who is prepared to be a father?

Readily A(p)parent

Edit: for clarity.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/joshandthewolf
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 24 2020
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End of February...

We March on!!!!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Mr_PunGent
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 06 2021
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Prepare yourselves
πŸ‘οΈŽ 4k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Mcrlzzle
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 28 2018
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I walked into the kitchen to help my wife prepare dinner and exclaimed, "That’s a nice ham you’ve got there honey! It’d really be a shame if someone..."

"...put an β€˜s’ at the front and an β€˜e’ at the end!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 07 2020
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A Spanish magician prepares the audience for his final trick...

He yells "UNO!"

The crowd falls silent in anticipation.

"DOS!"

Everyone's eyes are wide, laser focused on the preformer.

Then, the magician vanishes... without a tres.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 25 2020
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Three men were onboard a ship playing dice on deck when the oldest man angrily jumped off the front of the boat. The younger man said..

You keeled my father. Prepare two die.

*I sent this to my brother and he replies: Was his name Inyougo?

^(What a freaking professional)

πŸ‘οΈŽ 62
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/calvinweight
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 05 2021
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In Germany this weekend they have been preparing for the crisis by stocking up on sausages and cheese.

It's the Wurst KΓ€se scenario.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/im_made_of_jam
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 25 2020
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My favorite toilet paper was discontinued. Nobody prepared me for how much of a pain in the ass it is to find a new favorite.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bensly
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 28 2020
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How does Moses prepare his tea?

He brews it

πŸ‘οΈŽ 25
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/labink
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 29 2020
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Three fruits decided to have a dragrace match. The Lemon prepared by practcing driving skills, the orange by studying the appropriate tecniques, the grape by relaxing in the sun. Who won?

The grape. He was the only one who went raisin.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/midy-dk
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 24 2020
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Tomorrow is International Mud Day, and I had this marvellous exchange with my 4 year old today, Sunday: "Better prepare your gumboots, tomorrow is Mud Day!" I exclaimed. My child, without missing a beat, replied:

"No it's not, it's MUNday!" The apprentice has now become the master.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 28 2020
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Belgium??
πŸ‘οΈŽ 5k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/prabeshdai13
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 21 2020
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After years of training as a chef, the only job I got was preparing oysters at a small restaurant.

I have to say it really shucks.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 14 2020
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Actual conversation at my house while preparing burgers

Me: β€œBoys, do you want Gouda cheese on your burgers?”

Husband: β€œHurry up and answer your mom. Do you want Gouda cheese or bad cheese on your burger?”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/red_polkadot
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 14 2020
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We definitely should've done more to prepare for the pandemic.

I guess that's hindsight in 2020

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/StoopSign
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 05 2020
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What is a witches favorite gum?

Double Bubble

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 07 2020
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My dadjoke for the day

My wife (japanese) was preparing her breakfast which for her usually includes numerous small dishes and rice. Well she announced to me. "I'm not eating rice today."

I immediately replied "Honey, you cant say that."

"That's Rice-ist"

Cue eyeroll

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Iron_Undies
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report

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