A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...
"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."
Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:
"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"
When I predict the weather,
50% of the time, I am right all the time.
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of
Sad news. The man who invented predictive text has passed away.
Why are nuns so predictable?
Because they're creatures of habit.
I just called GameStop Customer Service...
They asked me to please Hold. 💎🤲
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
On the way to the therapist, I told my wife, “You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren’t you?”
She said, “Yeah.”
I said, “I knew it!”
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
I predicted Covid-19 3 years ago. Guess I got 2020 vision
An Amoeba predicted that it would successfully split itself in two.
It was a cell fulfilling prophecy
Your mother couldn’t believe that an actual skunk could predict the future.
But it was a real fortune smeller.
Do you know what they call the ability to predict sports scores?
ESPN.
(Credit to my husband who just laid this one on our kids and I)
I predict clocks will take over the world.
It’s only a matter of time.
At the therapist’s office, I asked my wife, “You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, won’t you?”
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
The wife has a new Ewok fur coat.
She looks totally wicket in it.
Which of the saints could predict the future?
George Washington predicted that some day in the future, a dollar bill will contain his likeness.
In that sense, he was on the money.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
Not to brag, but I have this incredible talent in predicting what’s inside a wrapped present.
Many years ago there was a vicious viking named Rüdoff.
Rüdoff was one of the best fighters in his village and a terrifying opponent on the battlefield. He would often return from battle, so drenched in his opponent's blood that he became known as "Rüdoff det røde", meaning "the red".
After years of wars, and regular battles, Rüdoff finally grew old, and decided that his fighting days were behind him. He became the best farmer that his village had ever known and people would travel from.far away to ask him about his crops and to predict the weather, as he was quite proficient at it.
One morning he wokeup, and looked out the window, the skys were clear and the sun was shining, but Rüdoff could feel the pressure in his old bones and battle scars
"It will Rain soon", he said to his wife while she made breakfast.
She glanced outside and told him he was nuts, it was bright and sunny.
He simply hiked up his pants and reminded her:
Rüdoff The Red knows rain, dear.
What did the indigenous Canadian man say when he predicted the future?
I watched a documentary about graphs, but it was really disappointing.
The plot was predictable. The special f(x) was terrible.
Ommmmm....I predict in the Middle East, there'll be one country and The Persian Gulf
My end of the world prediction is pretty far away.
I wouldn't bet on it though. Hindsight's 2080.
I bet my son $10 I could predict the score of the Pats-Rams game tonight before it starts, and he said you’re on.
If you could predict what scents you will smell in the future...
...you would be Nose-tradamus
A viking by the name of Rudolph the Red was sitting in his home, when he looked out the window.
He told his wife that it was going to rain soon. His wife, never hearing her husband predict the weather before asks, "How Rudolph, how do you know its going to rain soon?"
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
The psychic I go to can predict what's going to happen two years from now.
I'm going to make a bold prediction
Would you say that people making financial and climate predictions for next year have... 20/20 vision?
Did you know the Bible actually predicted that gay parades would be held during the summer?
Pride comes before the fall.
Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?
Because they're not tenants
The leader of a church kept making false doomsday predictions.
The church recently filed to be a non-prophet organization.
I just watched a Movie about a y= x graph!
The plot was a bit predictable
And a little flat!
Had good Special f(x) though
I feel like I really can’t tell what’s gonna happen next year. Movies, politics, my personal life. I can’t predict anything
It’s like I don’t have 2020 vision
Alot of people were saying The Simpsons predicted Pokemon Go but me personally,
I think that's a little farfetch'd
George Orwell predicted that we would have Thought Police
Instead, we got the Thot Police
Why are Father Time's Dad jokes so terrible and predictable?
Every single punchline is 'week'
In 1975 Queen predicted Apple being scary...
Thunderbolt and Lightning, very, very frightening.
I would make predictions about next year
But I don't have 2020 vision.
I watched a movie about graphs last night, but I was slightly disappointed.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
TIL: George Washington predicted that eventually the $1 bill will contain his likeness.
In that regard, he was on the money.
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