Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one.
Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.
He said "It's too close to home".
The problem with bears as a pun topic is that there are only 6 possible puns and most of them are stretches.
-
bear double meaning with tolerate
-
pandanother thing
-
grizzly double meaning with horrific
4)kodiak double meaning with camera
5)koalalifications
6)and Ursidae the family classification can be shortened to sound like ursa and be used instead of "or so" like in the phrase "or so i was told".
It was my second time watching it and only her first, so I had had some time to ponder possible puns to make. So when BB8 was introduced, I put my arm around her, leaned in to her ear, and said "Hey baby, that robot is cool and all, but it's only a BB8. I think you're a BB10."
She sighed, pulled my arm off of her, and scooted a seat away from me.
It will help them make a gross profit.
A no bell prize
All my life I thought it was something else but whatever, it’s OK.
Go outside and ride your bike
They were Wright.
After all, it always costs more for a womb with a view.
After all, Andy, Sting, and Stewart have each had success with other solo projects.
Does that make me crazy?
A broken drum... you can’t beat it
They were Wright
He was named Justin Case.
Stay safe everyone. This is a global pundemic.
I’m galactose intolerant
Since he started dating, his girlfriend would chastise him to great lengths everytime he felt the need to fart.
After they got married, the situation was maintained. He couldn't possibly fart near his wife. Sometimes he had to leave the house, just to pass some gas.
When he was really old, he died peacefully during in his sleep while lying on his back. She called the undertaker, so the arrangements for the funeral could be made.
When the undertaker rolled the man of the bed, there was a massive fart. The undertaker looked to the now widow to see how she was going to react, but she simply said:
"No need to chastise him anymore. Hee can RIP in Peace!"
But I'm going to need a minuet to get a Handel on things, so please Holst on. There's no Haydn from reality, even if I can't stanza much more. I'm guessing the current madness originated in Britten - possibly during the Brahms age. Alas, I'm so Bizet writing my Chopin Liszt I will have to get Bach to you later when I'm Abel to compose my thoughts on how to overcome. GRRRRR.... I keep forgetting to purchase rainbow Schubert and must write that down. I also have to fix my microwave which Baroque earlier today when my son tried to Satie some vegetables. I do wish he would've refrained. Oh, I still have to go to the Barber as well. But, I digress... Once the madness calms down I hope y'all can Ravel in the moment. If you don't understand it, though, that's okay - it's all Grieg to me and I don't want to cause y'all any additional Strauss.
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him
As mushroom as possible
He then said “he’s been a dad since I was born”
Held together with ark welding.
Anyhing et al.
The new slogan is "With great power comes great rice possibilities."
The possibilities are lemonless!
Ass-skin for a friend.
I try to use it as often as possible.
I’m talking to this girl and I keep making her laugh with my stupid puns and jokes. I keep making jokes about her name so here’s a lot of what I’ve got so far:
Sambuka, Andy Samberg, Adam Samler, Samsung, Samurai, Samberine, Samdy Cheeks, Samta Clause, Sampster, Green eggs and Sam, Samiel Radcliffe, Samtrix, And a few more
They can be as far fetched as humanely possible! They don’t even have to make sense. All help would be appreciated :)
She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "as long as I can sell the car."
"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
No one knows Y.
Well, hun, pv=nrt.
(Too nerdy?... I think so.. but made me chuckle so sharing for you all loser dads out there)
[[in your deepest possible voice]] Here kitty kitty kitty....
I said "how is that possible? I'm a man".
This was before the divorce, of course.
... ... ... WELCOME TO THE FUTURE!
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
A refrigerator
Arse skin for a friend.
At 4th of July party when I saw a buddy from high school there. He has a two year old of his own and lives like two houses down from me.
We were in group talking and as we were both about to leave I said:
"if you are ever in the neighborhood feel free to stop in"
Kind of lame but got a few chuckles!
A doctor is driving home one night along a lonely road when a rabbit suddenly bolted in front of his car. The doctor swerved and tried his best to stop, but it wasn't possible and the car hit the bunny.
He immediately pulled the car to the side of the road and got out to see if he could help the poor bunny. It didn't look good. He raced back to the car to retrieve his bag, but realized almost instantly that he was driving his wife's car and so his bag wouldn't be there.
He frantically rooted through the glovebox, trying to find gauze or water - anything that could be useful. He found a bottle of what he expected was water and brought it back to where the bunny was laying. With great care, he poured a cap full and let the bunny drink.
To the doctor's amazement, the rabbit sprang back to life - jumping up on his hind legs and wiggling his tail. He smiled at the doctor and waved as he began to prance back toward the woods. He hopped a couple of feet, paused, turned and waved again. Hopped another few feet, turned and waved yet again. He reached the edge of the trees and again, he turned and waved at the doctor.
Stunned, the doctor brought the bottle up to the light to see what magic potion he had discovered. Squinting his eyes, he read the label aloud, "Hair restorer with permanent wave".
We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.
A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time.
She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so.
We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today.
I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer.
But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship.
The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie...
She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.
I M.
There’s a solution in sight.
My gf is trying to get as many puns as possible with both in one. Anyone can think of some?
But not twice.
I think I'll start with "What is love? Baby don't hurt me", but then I have to say "we're gathered here today, ect.." and finish with "you may now kiss the bride",
It'll last about 1 minute, and I wanna really embarrass them. Any ideas?
I'm calling it Guac-a-Mole
They always bring their 'eh' game.
One could say I'm a hardcore parker.
We only have 5 glasses in our house
Who's right? You Buttigieg.
Dad: [Comments on something pointless]
Me: No one cares, dad.
Dad: I care.
Me: No one else does.
Dad: Obamacare.
I mean, dollar bills are so much easier to carry around.
Anyone have any tips?
They both could be Lego-lass
I just hope it isn’t today, because otherwise that’s another thing she’s right about.
"Because you'll work grooves into them."
It still has it's hyphen
After all, better early than never.
We have the obvious ones like, let's make like a tree and leaf and our group is always branching out, but we would love as many as you can come up with!
Thanks guys
My old man is quite a character. He once took my sister and I freshwater fishing and taught us how to bait a hook with nightcrawlers. We were perhaps 7 or 8, and somewhat sheltered, so of course what happened next went right over our heads.
Dad: hey, kids! Which of you is better at baiting a hook? Which of you is the •removes sunglasses• master baiter?
My sister and I, of course, immediately begin arguing about it. That wily old man had us going back and forth "I'm the master baiter!", "No, I am!", "No, me!". Dad, meanwhile, was laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes.
Tl;dr- my Dad is a fucking smart ass
Liquor
Me: "You can't possibly B Sirius."
He was bent on success
I nodded and said, "You know what I mean, Vern?"
My wife didn't get it, but the counselor and I couldn't stop laughing.
A broken drum... you can’t beat it
they were Wright
A broken drum... you can’t beat it
As mushroom as possible.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
Arse skin for a friend
As mushroom as possible!
