My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...

They just didn't give a fork...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over... now I’m

Sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I was pondering some of the practical arts that are dying out like silversmithing and coppersmithing.

One of the most tragic is the art of hand making exit signs which is really on the way out.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I was lying beneath a tree pondering gravity, when suddenly an apple came tumbling down

. . . and then it struck me.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/l94xxx
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I was just pondering about how lightening works...

Then it struck me.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/baldymcgee919
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into a bar to find pieces of meat hanging above him…

He asks the barman about it and the barman explains, β€œIf you can jump up and hit one, you’ll get a free drink, but if you miss, you have to buy everyone a round!”

The guy looks up and ponders for a minute then replies, β€œNah, the steaks are too high.”

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/snrckrd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A promiscuous girl ponders while bathing

They call her a shower thot

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yummycakefordays
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
🚨︎ report
A dad ponders gas prices imgur.com/bZTHWfR
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/K_Fred
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2013
🚨︎ report
Pondering menus

My colleagues and I were out to dinner and perusing the menu. We noticed that you always see lamb on a menu but you never see sheep and we wondered why.

After a long discussion, we finally figured it out. It's simply because sheep meat is baaaaaaa..d.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pingdk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. ..

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I was pondering how they collected down for pillows and blankets.

Manufacturers must say some pretty offensive things to ruffle all those feathers.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/squeevey
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2016
🚨︎ report
A young man wants to become a lumberjack, so he goes to the forest and starts chopping.

After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, the next, ten hits, the next one, a hundred hits, and the next one after that, a thousand. He kept swinging until the tree he was swinging at was chopped down. Amazed, the young man walks over to the old man and asks, "Sir, what is your secret, how do you chop them down so quickly?"

The old man turns and says, "It's all about the rhythm." Puzzled by the old man's answer, the young man returned home pondering what he said.

The next morning, he was motivated to keep trying to be a lumberjack. "If an old scrawny man can do it, so can I!" he thought.

So he went back to the forest, and tried to use his advice. Trying to time each swing, he realizes this simply doesn't work. Later in the day, he sees the old man again, comes up to him, and asks, "I tried to time my swings, but it does no more than just chopping normally. How do you do it?"

"You can't just make up any old rhythm and follow it, you have to find a very specific one," he says, "you have to find the Logger-rhythm."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MaximusMatrix
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
How do freshwater fish think?

They ponder.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/adyo4552
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a bit of bad news to share about Gandhi.

You know he fasted a lot, which made him skinny and frail. He also walked barefoot for most of his life. Spent a lot of time pondering life's imponderable mysteries. Oh, and they say he had bad breath. In other words, I guess Gandhi was a super-fragile calloused mystic suffering halitosis.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
The clown and the parachute instructor

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a clown listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The clown asked, β€œHow am I supposed to know when I’€™m at 300 feet?”

β€œThat’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

After pondering his answer, the clown asked, β€œWhat happens if there’s no one there I know?”

https://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/the-clown-and-the-parachute-instructor/

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Realistically and Potentially . . .

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?' The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.' So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!' The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt - I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?' The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?' The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on Three million dollars . But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a queer.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you get when crossing an agnostic, dyslexic, and insomniac?

A person who stays awake all night pondering if there really is a dog.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BNYRBT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2018
🚨︎ report
My son said, "What rhymes with orange?"

I pondered for a while and thought..."No, it doesn't."

πŸ‘︎ 234
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2017
🚨︎ report
One of the funniest things my dad ever said.

He was driving; I was sitting shotgun. The moon in the sky was just a tiny sliver. I pondered out loud that "I wonder if it's waxing or waning." My dad said "waning? It's not even cwoudy!"

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Heavvy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
🚨︎ report
A beautiful tradition

Martial arts is as much spiritual training as it is physical training. In fact, there is a school of martial arts in Korea where practitioners would spend large portions of the day just meditating.

As they train their spirits to ponder over their place in the universe, the practitioners would also train their bodies to forgo the needs of the physical world. The practitioners would endure days on end without sleep, and live on a single loaf of bread for an entire month.

As they meditate, they would repeat the mantra: β€œI am one with the universe, it sleeps not so I shall not sleep. This bread is my only worldly attachment but I shall only TAKE ONE DOUGH”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Charlemagnalpaca
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Was grumpy the other day and my wife accused me of being "HANGRY"

After pondering I commented, "nope, I'm HORNERY!"

πŸ‘︎ 141
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JeF4y
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad is perfect for this subreddit

Just discovered this subreddit, so no I'll share some of my ole' dad jokes.

So, my mom is upset at my dad because he didn't get her a 25th anniversary ring.

Mom - "I can't believe you didn't get me a ring. Listen, if I am the one to die first, and you remarry, which I would be fine with, and then you get your second wife a 25th anniversary ring, I will come back and haunt you."

My father ponders this threat, and after a short pause, he looks at her and...

Dad - "Tell me, how would that be any different than now?!"

πŸ‘︎ 472
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/logancook44
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2013
🚨︎ report
a glass of water decided to have a conversation with a pond one day

the glass asked "water you doing"? the pond responded "pondering life".

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyTheShyGuy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
🚨︎ report
So it's my boys birthday and my wife reminds me to blow up some balloons ..

Minds gets to pondering next minute I say to her "the balloons seem to be wounded... should I helium?" I'm certain the groan could be heard from blocks away!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OscarFish86
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Early morning breakfast joke

Wife finally agreed to cook breakfast and asked "What kind of eggs do you want?" (How do I want them cooked?).

After pondering for a moment I responded: "I think Chicken eggs today".

By that time she was slicing a bagel with a knife and with a furrowed brow made threatening motions toward me with the knife... :-D

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chargen2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2014
🚨︎ report
Urgent pun request.

I always wish people happy birthday with a pun. For example, "have a SARAHmazing birthday!" However, now I need a birthday pun based off the name "Louise." I have been pondering this for days, and I simply can't think of anything. I wish I could give you her last name to help with the punning process, but that would obviously not be a good idea

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/squidward2016
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2014
🚨︎ report
Losing shoes at the pool

My youngest daughter hates wearing shoes to the point where I hardly ever see them on her. As a result she often loses them. A few weekends ago my girlfriend dropped me and the kids off at the local outdoor pool so we could get some energy out before a long drive to see family. As expected my youngest barely made it out of the parking lot with her shoes on, and as soon as we hit the grass by the pool she kicked them off and we all ran into the water to play and stuff.

I looked up at that big incomprehensible clock they have at swimming pools and saw that we were running late for that long drive, so we fled the pool rushed around getting dressed, only to discover one ... one of her shoes was missing. I was like ... how the hell do you lose one shoe? So we looked all around, then we went to the lost and found. Strangely there were several other single shoes in the lost and found but not hers. We went back and I called her mom to see if we could swing by and grab a spare pair of shoes.

Some kid next to us overheard me on the phone and said, "Hey did you lose a shoe?" I said, " ... yeah ...?" He said, "Yeah I found it over here -- " pointing like 10 feet away -- " so I took it to the cashier's office." (not the lost and found). My oldest daughter, always helpful, ran to the cashier's office and got the shoe, and all was well! We were only about 20 minutes late. Afterwards I was pondering what I could have done to avoid all that and then it hit me. I just needed to make sure that after my kids take off their shoes they are all in one place.

In other words I had just failed to put shoe and shoe together.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/troyvit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2017
🚨︎ report
I was watching the new Star Wars with my girlfriend yesterday

It was my second time watching it and only her first, so I had had some time to ponder possible puns to make. So when BB8 was introduced, I put my arm around her, leaned in to her ear, and said "Hey baby, that robot is cool and all, but it's only a BB8. I think you're a BB10."

She sighed, pulled my arm off of her, and scooted a seat away from me.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ROTCnaziBandgeek
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2015
🚨︎ report
A silly nfl world pun. .perhaps better in r/atheist?

If the Vikings QB were questioning his religion. . would Christian Ponder be pondering his Christianity?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iwoodreddit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2013
🚨︎ report
My uncle got me in the car today.

Uncle: Don't you know how geese fly in a V formation all the time?

Me: Yeah.

U: Do you know why one side of the V is longer than the other?

Me: * Ponders about it for a moment or so * No why?

U: Because theres more geese on that side.

πŸ‘︎ 101
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TinyCyclopsArmy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2014
🚨︎ report
After a nice day's hiking in Uganda..

We get to the little lodge thing, and my friend leaves his sodden boots outside to dry. The next morning, we get up to find that the local mutts have torn them to pieces.

He's pretty upset, and wondering what to do: 'Do you think my insurance will cover it?' he ponders...

'Nah mate, check your policy. You'll find there are exemptions for 'Theft, Fire, and Acts of Dog'

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/8979323
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2015
🚨︎ report
Professor dad jokes entire conference

We're at a research conference this week, and my professor was the session chair. He started out with "we all know that H2O is water, but - and I want you to really think about this - what is H2O4?" He then shows a diagram of the molecule for us all to ponder. After a minute he says, "so, what is H2O4? For drinking, bathing, washing up..." Cue a room full of groans and chuckles.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Phizzwizard
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2014
🚨︎ report
We got a delivery at work today.

My boss is nearby when the delivery comes in, one cardboard box with stuff for our birthday parties.

Boss: "Wait, didn't we get this yesterday?"

Delivery Guy: "Yeah, you got two boxes."

Boss, confused: "But why did they show up on two separate days?"

[they ponder this]

Boss: I ordered them for two-days delivery.

Me: Well, the delivery did take two days.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hamlet7768
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you do when the peppers won't stand up?

You teach them to stand up for themselves.

Context:

Actually said by my dad tonight while helping me cook stuffed peppers for supper. I was pondering what to do because the peppers kept typing over and my dad responded with this lol. My husband thinks it's also - future dad joker right there.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xxdrunkenslothxx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad joke to the neighbor kids.

Whenever the kids on our block are out playing, my dad stops the car, rolls down the window, and says:

"Hey, they're looking for ya.."

pondering pause

"Who..?"

"The squirrels they think your nuts!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/clay_ton
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
🚨︎ report
My new favourite Dad joke

An Aussie blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'but Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the entrance exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?''

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' The blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' He walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'and what is the answer?' 'It's Andy.' 'Andy??' 'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde. This totally floored St Peter and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrTelly
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2014
🚨︎ report
A young man wants to become a lumberjack, so he goes to the forest and starts chopping.

After a few days of doing this, he realizes he is simply not fit for this type of job. On his final day of trying to chop down trees, he notices an old scrawny man chopping down trees as if he was a woodpecker, the amount of hits he made grew more and more each swing. The first swing was one hit, the next, ten hits, the next one, a hundred hits, and the next one after that, a thousand. He kept swinging until the tree he was swinging at was chopped down. Amazed, the young man walks over to the old man and asks, "Sir, what is your secret, how do you chop them down so quickly?"

The old man turns and says, "It's all about the rhythm." Puzzled by the old man's answer, the young man returned home pondering what he said.

The next morning, he was motivated to keep trying to be a lumberjack. "If an old scrawny man can do it, so can I!" he thought.

So he went back to the forest, and tried to use his advice. Trying to time each swing, he realizes this simply doesn't work. Later in the day, he sees the old man again, comes up to him, and asks, "I tried to time my swings, but it does no more than just chopping normally. How do you do it?"

"You can't just make up any old rhythm and follow it, you have to find a very specific one," he says, "you have to find the Logger-rhythm."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MaximusMatrix
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.