I once asked a Hawaiian if he had a high pitched laugh.

He said mahalo.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jetz92
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
It’s philosophy at a higher pitch than usual...
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.

Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 742
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A tuning fork is a pitch fork
πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cranky_Windlass
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Imagine you're in a pitch dark room and you have no idea how to escape.

Just stop imagining.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KrisyGGgamer23
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
There was so much water on the pitch of my daughter's football match this morning.

They needed to bring on the Sub early.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar after a long day at work.

He sits down, orders a beer, and begins to mull over his day.

After a few minutes he hears a quiet, and high pitched voice say "I like your shirt". He looks around and doesn't see anybody, so he goes back to his drink.

A few sips later he hears the same voice say "You have lovely eyes". He looks around again half expecting to see Alvin the chipmunk, but there is nothing.

After a few more sips, he hears it again, "I bet your parents are real proud of you". Finally he has had enough. He slams his drink down, looks over at the bartender, and says "what the hell is that high pitched voice I am hearing?!"

The bartender looks up and says "Its the peanuts...

They're complimentary."

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smoffatt34920
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
No matter how we pitched the human organs to the other team, they'd swing and miss...

They didn't even bat an eye.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Help, can someone help me make my elevator pitch more interesting, and can anyone think of a good Egyptian related pun to put as an opener?
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScareOdin00608
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

You walk him, and pitch to the rhino

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thetindoor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aun-de
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
From my dad, a minute ago: β€œyour mom and I went to a completely pitch black restaurants once”

β€œThey didn’t have any seafood there!”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackwellsucks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
If one speaks in a perfect cadence and pitch in all languages

Does that make one "intonational?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wootlesthegoat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What did Heinrich Hertz say when he heard a high-pitched sound?

My ear hertz.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GedT1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I don't like high-pitched noises.

Listening to them hertz too much.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IncompotentCyborg
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Pitching Staph
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oczysrebrne1
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My neighbors were trimming their pine, so I thought I would pitch in to help

But I fell and now am in a very sticky situation...

I know this will resin-ate with many of you out there.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trickyd9
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My rental car is making a really high pitched noise.

It Hertz

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PM_UR_MACHINING
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2018
🚨︎ report
How do we combat Erection Fraud?

We pitch tents in front of the White House and protest.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadow_strife
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
When baby delights, and pitch of voice increases

We call this high coo.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainPatent
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
🚨︎ report
I don't like high-pitched singers.

They put me in a world of hertz.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IncompotentCyborg
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
🚨︎ report
My son just pitched a perfect game in the Little League World Series!

The game was a classic, "threw" and "threw"!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
🚨︎ report
If you're having voice problems I feel bad for you son,

I've got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/illumi_nazi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He looks behind him again, and the shadow is closer.

Bump…bump…bump.

The glow of a streetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the man’s horror, it is a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk.

He quickens his pace, running as fast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly.

BUMP…BUMP…BUMP!

He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for his keys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps.

He slams the door and leans against it, catching his breath.

Bump…bump…bump.

There is a moment’s silence, and the man wonders if he dares to breathe.

Suddenly…. Bump…bump…bump…Bump…

BUMP! BUMP!

BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH!!!!

He rebounds away as the door breaks off its hinges.

Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffin races after.

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP!

Terrified, he backs into a corner and starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin β€” a handful of papers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp β€” but the coffin keeps coming!

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE, and nothing seems to slow it down!

His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin, too!

The coffin stops.

πŸ‘︎ 208
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
🚨︎ report
I'd tell you a pilot joke

But I don't have the right attitude.

I hope yaw appreciate my pitch though

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Some people say that good hitting always beats good pitching

I dunno. I’m still on defense about the whole thing.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/realfakedoors000
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
🚨︎ report
It's actually pretty hard to pitch a good joke about tents
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZephyrZephyrGreen
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2017
🚨︎ report
This is my elevator pitch. I run a company that sells literal things.
πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheepschemes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2014
🚨︎ report
Why are chickens bad at pitching?

Because they’re constantly balking.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AccountDeleteBot
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2018
🚨︎ report
This is my sales pitch:

D#

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2017
🚨︎ report
My GF asked me if the Mets' closer had been pitching in the league for a long time.

I told her I wasn't familia.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Genetic_Heretic
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2016
🚨︎ report
How does a soccer player insult someone?

"You son of a pitch"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Free_Forever876
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Studying Civil War history when my dad decided to pitch in.

Me: I can't believe I have to memorize the entire Gettysburg Address by tomorrow.

Dad: Make sure you don't forget the zipcode!

Me: -_____-

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/haycalon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2014
🚨︎ report
Why Don't Roofers Like Getting Married?

Because they prefer the shingle life!

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAmXChris
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
During a round of golf, my playing partner's pitch lands on the green next to mine

" Great, now we can be putt buddies!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WolfofMainStreet
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2014
🚨︎ report
BASEBALL IN HEAVEN

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Amirite?
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SeeWhatEyeSee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm unobservant, and I keep bumping into things, so I made a note of it.

Bβ™―

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Feet2Big
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2016
🚨︎ report
A man comes up with a great idea for a new shipping method

A young man comes up with a great idea for a new shipping method. He designs everything himself, hires people to create models, and deduces that he can use old fashioned boating technology to increase shipping speeds by up to 350%. This is obviously a great innovation, so he calls up a former Business professor from college and gets into contact with a manufacturer. The manufacturer makes the man come in and present his design to the board of directors, so they schedule a meeting in two weeks.

At the meeting, the board is blown away. The man’s charisma, design, and equations all point to a massive innovation in shipping. The company is poised to make a huge profit. Construction starts immediately.

On his flight back, the man happens to sits next to his old buddy from high school, Jimmy. Jimmy tells the man that he has just blown the farming world wide open. His new GMO potato produces five times as much energy and has been the talk of the world. Jimmy says that all the news outlets have been reporting potatoes to be the next big superfood, and his design is poised to make him millions, if not billions of dollars. Jimmy pitches the man for the entire plane ride, and convinced him. They hop on the next flight back to visit the board of directors once again. The board is shocked. Both ideas stand to make billions of dollars for the company, but there is one slight problem.

The CEO says to the man, β€œwe know you have these two ideas. However, we can only allocate enough resources to make one of them profitable. I recommend you take some time off and really decide which of these ideas you want our company to produce. We can schedule a meeting in a few weeks if that works for you.”

The man says right back to the CEO, β€œI’m going to take a walk and clear my head. This is a big decision” and walks right out of the room.

Not even five seconds later the man comes back into the room and says β€œI’ve made my decision. Let’s go with the shipping method.” This shocks the CEO, who says β€œare you sure?? This is a billion dollar decision and you only took five seconds to think about it.”

The man looks back at him and says β€œwell, in this business time is moneyβ€” so I decided to make my decision schooner rather than tater”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BearGuru
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
🚨︎ report
My Favorite Dad Joke

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

πŸ‘︎ 341
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fracturedsplintX
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Staff Meeting imgur.com/VsupLvQ
πŸ‘︎ 116
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2016
🚨︎ report
What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

You walk him and pitch to the rhino.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPossible
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you do with a rhino with three balls?

Walk it, and pitch to the Tiger.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report

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