If James Hetfield officiated a wedding between Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy.....

He would be the Pastor of Muppets

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πŸ‘€︎ u/proweld7
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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My piggy bank is getting super old...

I may have to change it out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/poiuy03
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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A neighbor who's a hog farmer just showed me his brand new enclosures for his piggies...

I wish he'd stop flaunting his new shoes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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I took my piggy bank to the five and dime store...

I took my piggy bank to the five and dime store and they told me they didn't take any thing under a dollar...

A policy like that just makes no cents...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbjames84
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
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I counted my piggy bank today. Some would say $100 is a lot of money,

But it’s just change to me!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RastaTeddyBear
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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I volunteer at a shelter and this guinea pig's name is Piggy Smalls.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AristonD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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I dared a guy to fill up his piggy bank with one penny every year for one hundred years.

He said he wouldn’t do it.

Cause it would take a cent-ury.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/x3astu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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I wonder if all those piggies were on their way to market?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Niffer13
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2018
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How would Kermit and Ms Piggy get married?

Pastor of Muppets, pulling the strings...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PowerRaptor
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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What material is a piggy bank made from?

Porkelain

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ingrahamlincoln
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
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You could say that when Piggy’s glasses were stolen in Lord of the Flies...

he lost sight of civilization.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RuleStickler
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2018
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My daughter asked if I'd give her a piggy back

I told her I didn't take them

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnotherStupidName
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2015
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Did you hear about the man who stole from Miss Piggy?

The priest said he kermitted a sin!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/piedude3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2015
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What did the French little piggy say all the way home?

"Wee Wee Wee"

No, that's what the American little piggy said. The French little piggy said "Yes Yes Yes"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/testingapril
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2016
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What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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Why did miss piggie break off their engagement?

She was afraid of kermitment

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkazen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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Kermit is having a bad day.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goatcheese1230
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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I went to the bank teller and told him I wanted to change banks and open an account.

Man: No problem Sir. What’s the name of your previous bank?

Me: Piggy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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That is farm more puns than I could have thought of
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarrotMan82
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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"boss, I'm feeling a little short-handed" imgur.com/tOa2p37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/POSDSM
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2017
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Coaster at the local brewery imgur.com/mcSEwjB
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpteynor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2016
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I'm a street performer at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival. I tell punny jokes there, thought you'd enjoy them.

The King is in love with the Spanish Armada, in fact you could say he warships it.

I got into a fight with a group of jesters, I escaped by going for the juggler.

I recently read "Gulliver's Travels" it was a Swift read.

Have you read the book about traveling through hell? It's a Dante-ing read.

Q: How many animals can you fight into the Lord High Sheriff's tights? A: Ten piggies, two calves, a rooster and an ass.

Vikings raided the royal cheese supply, they left nothing behind but de Brie.

I met a wizard, I told him he looked like a mana action.

The unskilled mason forget to put a water supply in the new castle. He did not keep well.

The angry archer was so surly he had everyone convinced he was a cross bowman.

The failed stone cutter also lost his job as a bounty hunter. He could never find his quarry.

The nun kept spilling sacramental wine on herself. She made a bad habit of it.

The pope enjoys chocolate on his boat. He like sailing indulgences.

The pope loves summer, they say he is infallible.

Two fae fell in love. They keep fauning over each other.

The knight suffered from boils, he had to get them lanced.

Why did the wood nymph use some much lotion? Because she had dryad skin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kbdekker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
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What is a farm animal's favorite rapper??

Piggie Smalls

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jahshoewah
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2018
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It's a shame, he'd make a great dad.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/digitalmonkies
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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Don't judge me because I only have $4.

Judge me because I stole it from my daughter's piggy bank.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fukhed69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2018
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Proud of my 10yo daughter

This morning we were discussing pigs and the wonderful tasty meats we get from them, and somehow I ended up saying "Poor tasty piggy..." to which my daughter responded "Don't you mean PORK tasty piggy??"

I'm doing something right!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/austinrob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2013
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