Phew Puns

Because they gruesome.

I could talk about it forever.

But I think they are on the way out.

Scientists name them Idontthinktheysaurus

Kilometery Cyrus

Wife: I just got done running. I ended up twisting my ankle. Me: Phew, good thing you didn't twist your ankle on Wednesday. Wife: .... Me: Because then you would have rolled a joint on 4/20.

KitchenAids

A phew!
Aaaaphew!
Aphew!
Aphew!
Aphew!
Aphew!
Aphew!

^s^o^r^r^y

Aphew!

HI I’m Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didn’t even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldn’t stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. “Tim”, he said, “You have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heaven”. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didn’t know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasn’t surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldn’t be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didn’t want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n

I posted this over on r/MaliciousCompliance and was told that it might fit over here as well. > Wife: "I think I left my phone on the nightstand. Would you please run up the stairs for me, dear?"
> Me: "Sure, hon."
> I dash up the stairs, turn around at the top and come charging down the stairs again.
> Me: "Phew, that was fun. Good idea."
> Wife: "..."

Today my wife and I decided to go to the store when she got home from work for stir-fry supplies. I hadn't gone anywhere all day, so I had to grab my shoes and socks. I guess I'd misplaced one of my tiny screwdrivers from my toolbag and it had ended up inside a shoe. It plopped out into my palm when I tried to shake out the shoe, which prompted me to turn to my wife and exclaim, "Phew! That was a close call! I almost really screwed up my foot!" She gave me a look that said 'I am way too tired to deal with this nonsense'. Stir-fry was fantastic, though.

• dad- Has she decided when she's coming yet?
• me- Not sure yet, she's still on the fence about it.
• dad- That's got to be uncomfortable, ha!

Just a phew...

Last night, my dad was opening his mail. As he opens one of the envelopes, out falls a check. Quickly, he bobbles it for a split second, then grabs it before it falls on the floor. I saw this happen and chuckled. My dad looks at me and goes, "Phew, I thought for a second that the check was going to bounce."

An egg and some bacon were frying in a pan. The egg turns to the bacon and says "Phew, it's hot in here isn't it?" To which the bacon replies...

"Fuck me! A talking egg!"

After the big fight in the library in Philly.

Ellie: "Phew. Lets lighten the mood. Space rocks taste better than Earth rocks because they are a little meteor."